Am I being deluded to think I can do this job as the main caregiver for DS?

[Usally]

DP works away in the week and whilst he certainly does his bit financially, it’s me who does the nursery runs, pick ups when Ds is unwell etc you get the picture. I have a professional job which has stagnated since maternity leave. Ds will be three in august.

I decided to apply for a couple of better paid jobs which would be a step up for me professionally too. Somehow I’ve managed to get two offers… but here’s the dilemma…

Job 1: 28k pay rise, four days in the office, car allowance. Can leave in time for nursery pick up.

Job 2: 10k pay rise, two or three days in the office depending on the week. Can leave in time for nursery pick up.

Both are in the same location so travel not really a factory, it’s about 25 mins from the nursery (nursery ten mins from our house).

At the moment I work nearly totally remotely. I am hesitant as to whether i will manage so much office/travel etc. I know people do it but I wonder if I’m being a bit silly trying to earn more and progress while ds is still so small. It’s nearly impossible to find part time work in this industry so I can’t really look for less hours. I feel really conflicted as I do want progress but also want to be a good mum and I feel a lot of office time might affect that or make me more tired and less engaged with DS when we get home. Thoughts very welcome!

Are both jobs FT, OP?

@maybein2022 yes they are

Job 1. Totally doable. Even when married my husband worked away when the kids were small , my routine was better when he was out of the way!! Good luck!

Does your partner have any flex at all, ie if DS is sick can he get back within a decent amount of time to pick your son up or is there absolutely no way? Do you have any friends or family who could be called upon to help? Are the 4 days in the office in job 1 fixed days (ie every Friday WFH)? I’d be tempted to go for job 1, it’s a big pay rise (although have you done the maths on the tax?)

@MellowPinkDeer do you say that because of the better pay?

What’s your current salary? If you’re currently in £200k, £28k of a difference isn’t going to be as much of a lure for reduced flexible whereas it might be if you’re currently on £30k.

@FirefIy im on 65 currently

Agree job 1 is doable.
I'm in the office 4 days a week, work is 45mins from nursery, and nursery is 5mins from home.
It's a lot to manage, and weeks are full on but I don't think it would feel any easier if I was much closer to work. If work are flexible to do the nursery run then great!

Job 1. I don’t really understand what’s not doable about it!

How far away is the office and how do you get there? When mine were little it was pre COVID so everyone was in the office all the time. (1 day a week working from home was brought in as an option when mine were about 8 and 5 but the technology was not fully there so I didn’t bother.) However, it wasn’t a big deal for me as I only worked 2 miles from home and could cycle to work and so was not impacted by train strikes or traffic jams.

@blackbadger which day do you work from home? I think I could probably manage it if they will let me do that mid week

No, I said that because when I had two kids under 3 and my husband worked away for months at a time I managed with 5 day office week ( as was the norm then) the money is a bonus you can invest for their future

Sorry - just realised that you said. 25 minutes doesn’t sound problematic unless it is the type of journey where something regularly happens traffic wise that makes 25 minutes into two hours.

Both are doable. Lots of people manage full-time and nursery pick-ups with less flexibility. I did as a lone parent.

I think you also need to consider how things will work in a year or so when having to fit in school. I personally found wrap around care far more stressful because it it patchy (at best) and more limiting. Same with school holidays- finding holiday clubs was a nightmare!

Then think about which company is the best fit for you at this stage in your career. So scope for progression, pension, staff benefits (sick pay and carers leave for example) and culture within the company etc. Increased pay is great on paper but sometimes it is at a cost to other things.

I'd take job 1 and start scoping out childminders who do school pickups and holiday cover. That's what we did and it made the transition to school a breeze. And if you get a good childminder who is local they may babysit etc. For us it was more expensive than nursery/wraparound, cheaper than a nanny, and made both of us working ft in full on jobs really doable.

You're in a power position with a comfortable job and 2 good offers on the table, so can you negotiate? Have you asked about part time working / flexible working / more days WFH. My current job was advertised as full time so i was amazed they offered it to me part time. If you don't ask you don't get.

I’d take job 1, sounds like a no brainer. I’ve always worked full time and will be going back from 2nd mat leave doing the same. I have 4 days in with a much longer commute than you, and 1 day from home. Admittedly husband does do some drop offs. It’s busy but fine so long as you have good childcare arrangements and it gets easier as they get older. I still feel like I get enough time as ‘mum’. Go for it!

You say your career is stagnating. In your position, I would do everything I could to reverse that. So, I would take job number one and use as much of the pay rise as I needed to make the rest of my life easier. Even if you use it all on cleaners, gardeners, extra child care etc. it means you are investing in the next several decades of your career.

This is particularly important as you don't appear to be married. At the moment, your partner is increasing his earning power and paying for it with your time. If he decides to leave you at any point, you will really regret not having done everything possible to progress your own career.

I understand your hesitancy OP.

Not easy being alone and working as it is. Working from home is massively helpful when it comes to little ones. It depends on how you feel about your current job, is it making you unhappy? How important is the pay rise?

I think it’s definitely do-able. One sticking point for me would be in your DC is off ill as presumably you can currently manage the odd day having the off ill while you wfh. Can your DH do any sick days? We are scrupulous about sharing days off 50/50 when the kids are ill (we both work not from home).

Job 1. If you're gonna cause yourself any extra hassle, gun for the bigger pay rise whilst doing it.

I went back when DC was 4 into the office and burnt out doing the whole of the mental load and a job that was full on professionally. When you take into account the increase in tax if you are on £68k, it's not a lot.

I work from home now and it's perfect. My salary is higher although it took longer to get there (now it all goes in pensions contributions) but there is a benefit to being home to slap the slow cooker on whilst you boil the kettle, hang up laundry at lunch.

People who say "get a cleaner, get a gardener". Yes. True. But it's not EVERY DAY. I still have the kids in ASC until 5pm or 5.30pm so I can work efficiently but I'm around on odd nights to have playdates and facilitate their school social lives. I wasn't when I was in the office full time and I found the guilt a real struggle.

@Canthelpmyselffromjoiningin i would love the higher paid one at 4 days but I’m worried if I ask they may withdraw the offer. I would definitely take that and then feel I had more breathing space.

@AliBaliBee1234 the pay rise would be around 1k a month after tax. It would also help me professionally to get into an area that in the longer term is typically seen as more family friendly… so it’s a good move within the industry if that makes sense. I’m so conflicted and stressed about it.

@WaryHiker yes I did think this too. The pay increase is around 1k a month after tax. I am so conflicted about it. I feel I have to move from my current role as it’s really not going anywhere… I won’t get more than 2pc pay rises and it’s just stagnated after so many years