Am I being deluded to think I can do this job as the main caregiver for DS?

[Usally]

DP works away in the week and whilst he certainly does his bit financially, it’s me who does the nursery runs, pick ups when Ds is unwell etc you get the picture. I have a professional job which has stagnated since maternity leave. Ds will be three in august.

I decided to apply for a couple of better paid jobs which would be a step up for me professionally too. Somehow I’ve managed to get two offers… but here’s the dilemma…

Job 1: 28k pay rise, four days in the office, car allowance. Can leave in time for nursery pick up.

Job 2: 10k pay rise, two or three days in the office depending on the week. Can leave in time for nursery pick up.

Both are in the same location so travel not really a factory, it’s about 25 mins from the nursery (nursery ten mins from our house).

At the moment I work nearly totally remotely. I am hesitant as to whether i will manage so much office/travel etc. I know people do it but I wonder if I’m being a bit silly trying to earn more and progress while ds is still so small. It’s nearly impossible to find part time work in this industry so I can’t really look for less hours. I feel really conflicted as I do want progress but also want to be a good mum and I feel a lot of office time might affect that or make me more tired and less engaged with DS when we get home. Thoughts very welcome!

I think if I ask for 4 days rather than 5 then they will think I am not keen and withdraw the offer. Is it worth rising this and asking?

Well I didn’t push, treaded water and you can miss the window - I waited and waited until my youngest was 10, and there’s always something, it’s always a juggle. As for job 1 or 2 I’ve found the company culture makes all the difference not the actual terms @Usally . You may hit a bad run of child sickness, if the 4 days a week job has a supportive culture it’ll be fine.

you’ll regret it if you don’t try for one of them. Do you have any other local backup?

I’d have said you were better off getting in there, establishing credibility and then seeing where there are tweaks.

@Usally it would be very weird for an employer to withdraw a job offer simply for a request for .8

I’d operate on the basis that the worst they can say is no. Plus you have another offer even if they do.

You haven’t said if DH can do more? Will he do pick ups, drop off etc? If you can get in early and leave early (for example) this makes a huge difference.

I’m a sole parent & work FT in a senior corporate job (kids aged 6 & 10). I’ve been full time since my kids were 3 & 7 and my exH was not very helpful so yes it can be done. That said - if you can afford it, a nanny is a godsend. I did a mixture of nanny + crèche.

Take job one and see how it rolls sounds absolutely fine. If you have 1 day a week working from home anyway you’ll be all set up if you need to have an extra working from home if dc is ill.

pass probation and then put in a flexible working request if you still think you’d like it then you’ll know the lay of the land and whether it’s likely to be approved. Worst case scenario stick it out a year and apply for a more flexible job from a position of salary strength

I would have thought about all this BEFORE I applied, not waited until I got an offer risking wasting people's time.

It’s obvious @Usally wants to take the jobs and is having a wobble now the offers are in, understandably. And if I was not married, there’s no way I wouldn’t take job 1. I hope your dp is paying extra money into savings for you or dc for the extra responsibility you have…

it’s not just about the money those jobs are clearly a significant jump in level and responsibility

Negotiate with them. If you don't ask you don't get. Don't be apologetic with asking. Tell them you would like to discuss possibility of working from home 2 or 3 days a week then push it down to 1.

@Endoftheroad12345 thanks. No he can’t do anything in the week as he’s not here. I agree I need to just roll with it and hope for the best

Think of school, life is a lot easier when they are in nursery (even taking into account bugs!) How will you and DH cover school holidays, drop offs, pick ups?

In our local area only 1 school offers holiday clubs and other clubs available don’t cover enough hours to cover work and commute time.

@Nc500again thank you. To be fair to dp he does pay 400 into my savings each month so I do have some of ‘my own’ savings too. It’s just overwhelming feeling like I have to manage the whole week. I’m always waiting for that call from nursery

@HoskinsChoice thanks for the support 😅

@AppleKatie thanks. Do you think if it went wrong then a year would be ok on a cv? I’ve been at places quite a bit longer in the past

That’s hard @Usally but take it from me it can be done! I’m 5 days in the office with 2 x kids.

Youre allowed to apply and then make up your mind, it’s a job offer not a blood oath to hand over your first born.

A year in a job is fine if you have a track record of longer duration in other places and a good reason for moving on.

@Usally that’s good to hear re savings - the opportunity cost is probably higher than that for you though! I've been there, and after that there are a million school projects, school events, friendship dramas, endless school holidays and random closure days to fit in - in fact I’m exactly in the same spot as you, salary wise except my dc are 10 and 14, and now redundancies looming as takeover happened, and I’m mid 40s…and have been plodding for years. And most of the team I work in including boss are now in their 30s.

I turned down promotion twice when dc2 was 2 and 4 and I wish I’d pushed on…going pt from a higher salary and better position is a better option.

there are an awful lot of women in mid and senior positions in what I do, with dc now - that wasn’t the case 10 years ago.

This - take job 1 and see how it goes. Easier to ask for flexible working or PT once they know how amazing you are and want to keep you. Plus you will see if it part of the company culture,

I would have no issue with doing this @Usally – I worked FT in the office five days a week when my DC were younger than yours. I agree tho look at school care as that is harder in some ways. Best of luck.

I don't understand the reluctance to ask about 4 days a week or more flexibility on working from home. There are ways to ask that test the water as to the employers predisposition to be flexible . Surely that is an important factor in your decision ?

I'd be happy in job 1 in a place where I know that ( subject to meeting the job needs of course) there is some flexibility to work from home or change working hours temporarily if I needed to occasionally. Much less happy if the place was in of those very rigid employers I hear so much about on here.

Asking about things like that before accepting are fine and the answers can tell you a lot about the sort of place it is to work in.

As to 4 days a week instead of full time , I have been asked that as a manager interviewing in a role and have said the job needs to be done as is. If they feel able to do it in 4 days they can but the parameters of the job won't change. Sometimes people accept that and work 4 days anyway , though I'd say they end up working the same amount for less pay overall but having more flexibility about when they work. That is their choice . Others choose to work full time.

You don't need to say yoi have to have 4 days a week, just ask if they would be open to rhe idea. They can only say no. If they withdraw a job offer just because you ask about the mere possibility of doing the job in 4 days a week, would you really want to work for them? I'd say you dodged a bullet instead

You also have the second job as a backup plan.

Good points actually by @bumblingbovine49 – if they withdraw the offer if you ask about 4 days then yes, sounds like somewhere to avoid anyway.

I would think tho if it can be done as a 4-day role. For some roles that's difficult. I have certainly worked in roles that would not really have been practicable part time. Would you need to get all your work done in four days? Or would it be OK to delegate to another colleague for the fifth day?

Job 1 - I basically agree with the other posters.

But also consider getting some additional childcare help. Maybe someone locally your son could build a relationship with that can continue through to early school years? Could he do two half days with a childminder/part time nanny now that would continue on post nursery?

Reading your posts you sound quite nervous about asking them to accommodate your needs, is that imposter syndrome or common in your industry? If you've already got 2 offers on the table, you've obviously got skills worth hiring. Personally I think its disingenuous to take a full time job knowing you plan to ask for part time a year down the line, I'd have an upfront conversation now explaining you're keen, and can make 5 days a week work, however you'd be able to do xyz with an alternative working pattern. My new employer gave me part time as I could do the advertised full time job in my part time hours, and it saved them 0.2 of a salary, so I got slightly more per hour than they'd advertised and they were still under budget, it was win win for everyone.
Also, if the culture means you cant have a grown up conversation about working patterns, what are you going to do when nursery call?

You don’t do anything until you’re certain it will work?

Job 1. No question.

Take job one. Yes it’ll be tough for a few years but if you get good childcare in place before your DC starts school then it is perfectly doable. If you have sufficient space, could you consider an au pair for additional help at home?

I used to have Wednesday as my non work day when DS was little. That way I knew I’d only have two busy days in a row, then a day to catch up a bit.

If it doesn’t work out after you’ve tried it for six months or so, then ask to reduce your hours.

In these situations, i rely on my gut feeling. I totally understand your conflict. Good luck whatever you decide!