Or is he?

[Howcloseisburnout]

I’m really really struggling. I’m just feeling really overwhelmed by life, normal bog standard life.

This evening I’ve tried twice to explain to DH how overwhelmed I’m feeling. The first time he walked off as he’d seen something more interesting, the second he’s got mega cross with me for not seeing it from his perspective.

Backstory is we have four children. He is away at sea for long periods of time and comes home (current ‘visit’ is four days) so apart from financial burden everything else is on me. We’re currently living in one room due to work being done and outside area is yet to be landscaped (so is rough as). I’m just exhausted. Tbh it’s not physical it’s the mental juggle of everything all of the time, plus lack of sleep because it’s me that’s up in the night and then 6am the day starts again. I love looking after the kids it’s just draining and largely I don’t have anyone to discuss anything with never mind just the random crap in my head.

He’s upset because I’m not thinking how he feels not being here ever and missing everything.

I think he’s being a selfish shit for not realising I’m carrying everyone else and I just don’t have the mental capacity to carry his crap too. He is his only responsibility.

Sorry for the rant I know I just have to pull the big girl pants up and get on with it but it’s hard.

Was your husband away a lot when you decided to have the 3rd child and the 4th?

Relevance?

I can understand the struggle of 4 kids and living in a house with work going on.
All I can suggest is, can you speed up the work so your space will be more calm and hopefully then things will feel easier for you.
P.s. Ignore unhelpful comment above, some people are just rude.
Also, pat yourself on the back for doing an awesome job bringing up your 4 kids.

I'm not surprised you're overwhelmed OP, that's a huge amount you're carrying. Of course he wants his 4 days at home to be nice but that's just not realistic when he's not supporting you in the hugely unbalanced load you're carrying for family life.

The relevance is why have 4 children in those circumstances

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. We have 4 children as well and if we were all living in one room I'd feel overwhelmed too! He should be able to listen and support you. I find that sometimes men think we're asking them to fix things, when we might just want them to hear how we feel. I'm sure he misses everyone when he's away and that's valid, but it's also valid that you are feeling exhausted doing all the childcare for 4 children on your own.

How can he not empathize with you living in one room with four children whilst he is away at sea? I'm assuming he has his own room when he's working away.
Poor man. He needs to go to spec savers. He's missing some very obvious family needs when he's home.

Tbf it seems like it was it is, nothing either you have much control over without blowing your lives up. He could have been more sympathetic, but there's nothing he can say or do to make it better seemingly.

Presumably you have chosen this life? Probably have a big posh house as the end of it?

Depends on what you follow.

As another poster said, why choose to have so many children when you know your husband is going to be away so much? I can understand there are times when it must be overwhelming, bit it WAS your choice.

What was the plan when you decided to have so many children? Was he going to get another job? Hire in help etc?

Obviously it's going to be exhausting looking after four children by yourself and now you're dealing with major renovations.

Interesting how the amount of children is relevant. Would I have more right to ‘tiredness’ with less or more.
After 7yrs of fertility treatments to get the first two the second two came as a massive surprise.

I wouldn’t however change them for the world.

• Interesting how the amount of children is relevant.*

Of course it is!

Of course it is, 4 children is double the work of 2 children 😂 not that I'd change a thing but most definitely more exhausting!!

Not really it's the work on the house causing the main issues not the amount of children

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but he snot being unreasonable either. Of course you’re exhausted, you’re doing everything with no support, you don’t get much of an opportunity to really switch off and sit back. How long will the work take on the house?
He’s clearly missing being with you all so when you discuss it with him, he feels like it’s moaning because it’s all he would really like to do.

Is there any family around to help with things?

Not really it's the work on the house causing the main issues not the amount of children

😆😆😆

The number is children is relevant not because of a ‘right’ to tiredness but rather that you’d be less tired, and life would be simpler.

It does sound overwhelming and exhausting. Do you just need to vent to him and have some sympathy, or do you want to make changes?

If you want changes perhaps you could come up with some solutions such as temporary accommodation, or paying someone to get more rooms ready, or a focus on fixing the landscaping when he’s next back, or getting some help in the house, etc.

It’s fine to moan, we all do it and need it, but change won’t come without some action.

How old are the children?

Duplicate post.

I think you’re being unreasonable in that you’re very dismissive of him in this. Being sympathetic to him working away, all the financial pressure of the family and missing out on time with his kids should be normal in a marriage and instead you refer to it as “carrying his crap”.

Both of you are in a shit situation, working away is rubbish, having 4 kids on your own is rubbish.
If you’re both so unhappy at the current situation then it needs to be changed.
Can he work closer to home? Can you work too to bring up any lost income.

I don’t think he’s selfish for voicing that he’s sad he’s missing out on his family. Presumably you wouldn’t want to be away for nights at a time, yet you’re downplaying the same for him.

The number is children is relevant not because of a ‘right’ to tiredness but rather that you’d be less tired, and life would be simpler.

My dc were at gps yesterday & overnight. Next week they are going to a camp one day. I finished work but it gives me a breather to have days to myself. Of course number of dc impacts this.

Ok, the number of dc is something that can’t be changed but the work on the house can. When will you be able to have more than one room? What other help can you get in the meantime? The ideal is to take all the kids and stay with an energetic relative for a few days, if that is possible

I think it's both, plus the ages.
Who on earth buys a house needing complete renovation when they have 4 kids?

How old are they