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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is he?

56 replies

Howcloseisburnout · 11/04/2025 00:06

I’m really really struggling. I’m just feeling really overwhelmed by life, normal bog standard life.

This evening I’ve tried twice to explain to DH how overwhelmed I’m feeling. The first time he walked off as he’d seen something more interesting, the second he’s got mega cross with me for not seeing it from his perspective.

Backstory is we have four children. He is away at sea for long periods of time and comes home (current ‘visit’ is four days) so apart from financial burden everything else is on me. We’re currently living in one room due to work being done and outside area is yet to be landscaped (so is rough as). I’m just exhausted. Tbh it’s not physical it’s the mental juggle of everything all of the time, plus lack of sleep because it’s me that’s up in the night and then 6am the day starts again. I love looking after the kids it’s just draining and largely I don’t have anyone to discuss anything with never mind just the random crap in my head.

He’s upset because I’m not thinking how he feels not being here ever and missing everything.

I think he’s being a selfish shit for not realising I’m carrying everyone else and I just don’t have the mental capacity to carry his crap too. He is his only responsibility.

Sorry for the rant I know I just have to pull the big girl pants up and get on with it but it’s hard.

OP posts:

wafflesmgee · 11/04/2025 08:04

its shit but it will get easier, yabothbu but fair enough, because it’s stressful.
i recommend planning his next time at home more so you get a break and it feels special.
eg book a travel lodge for yourself for one night away alone just for some headspace, go on a nice day out as a family for a change of scene
and keep your eyes on the prize… one day the work will be finished!!!! Could you look at Pinterest to keep that goal in mind and enjoy imagining the spaces?

also, if money isn’t an issue, could you buy a tent or several tents and camp in your garden or locally for a change of scene and headspace? Could you errct a single man tent for yourself and have a mum magazine and a torch in and a coffee flask and leave the kids with a ten min timer once a day so you have had some me time?

Evaka · 11/04/2025 08:13

OP, i can't believe how fucking awful some people are being to you. You must be shattered. Can your husband give you a long stretch of rest or even a night away alone next time he's back? Might be worth scheduling time to speak calmly about the situation and agree a plan. If it's an emotional convo you may be going to blame/resentment without realising.

Neemie · 11/04/2025 08:28

Because you are feeling overwhelmed. This is not surprising as you have a lot of children. Obviously, you wouldn’t change that but it does mean you are going to feel tired and overwhelmed. Your DH is in a job that means he misses out hugely on family life. I sympathise with both of you but at the same time these are the choices you have made.

Sharptonguedwoman · 11/04/2025 08:29

Howcloseisburnout · 11/04/2025 00:17

Relevance?

It's harder to look after more children?

Sharptonguedwoman · 11/04/2025 08:33

As a serious suggestion, would a mobile home help if you have space to put it?

DaisyChain505 · 11/04/2025 08:34

You can be struggling without him being there and he can feel a certain way because he’s missing out. The two can live along side each other but it doesn’t need to be a competition of who has the biggest most important feelings.

If he’s missing out on family life is there any chance of a change of job/department so he can have a better home/work life balance.

If you’re struggling can you look at hiring a cleaner/part time nanny/mothers help.

Youre both struggling and somethings got to give. Going at each other about who’s more upset isn’t going to change anything so you both need to stop seeing it as a competition and start coming up with a plan.

HelenWheels · 11/04/2025 08:37

you are allowed to off load but it is a bit tough for him, only home for 4 days.
look on the bright side, this wont be forever

Edenmum2 · 11/04/2025 08:37

BakelikeBertha · 11/04/2025 01:37

As another poster said, why choose to have so many children when you know your husband is going to be away so much? I can understand there are times when it must be overwhelming, bit it WAS your choice.

So….she’s never allowed to feel overwhelmed about a choice she’s made?

AlisounOfBath · 11/04/2025 08:41

Neither of you are wrong, but you aren’t communicating well. You are quite reasonable to feel stressed, and he is quite reasonable to miss you all. I expect he feels guilty a lot about being away so much, so reacted angrily because he already feels bad enough. And obviously you’re going to feel dismissed or shut down by that reaction. You need to try to see it from each other’s perspective, while still explaining your own.

wearyourpinkglove · 11/04/2025 08:42

Isittimeformynapyet · 11/04/2025 00:11

Was your husband away a lot when you decided to have the 3rd child and the 4th?

Wow that's a helpful bit of advice, maybe she should rewind time and not have the third and forth 🙄

Original poster

Howcloseisburnout · 11/04/2025 08:43

Yep change needs to happen but it’s not going to so I just need to suck it up.
The kids don’t affect me, I’d have them home constantly if I could, I can’t wait for the holidays next week. The house stresses me out. I hate it but we can’t afford to do it quicker my paid work wouldn’t make more if I upped my hours, I’d just be more stressed.
My workload goes up when he’s home, mental and physical but I’ll keep it to myself in future that way he can’t have his four day holiday unhindered.

OP posts:

highlandsake · 11/04/2025 08:50

It sounds like a rubbish situation for you both, but unless he changes career or you come into mega money I don’t have any advice on how it can improve. I understand things from both points of view. My DH worked internationally for years, when he briefly came home we would always argue - he could never understand why I wasn’t elated to see him every time. Truth be told I was physically and mentally exhausted from looking after our 3 DCs!

rainbowstardrops · 11/04/2025 08:53

I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a serious chat about how you move forward because it sounds as if you’re quite resentful towards him. I don’t know either of you, so you could be absolutely justified in thinking that but the pair of you need to calmly explain each other’s positions and how, if at all, it can improve.

Sofiewoo · 11/04/2025 08:55

My workload goes up when he’s home, mental and physical but I’ll keep it to myself in future that way he can’t have his four day holiday unhindered.

Theres no need to be so snarky.

arcticpandas · 11/04/2025 08:57

I have a friend in your position but with 3 kids. Both you and your husband "have the right to" feel exhausted because it's hard for both of you in different ways. I can understand him wanting to spend the few days his off to relax with family but you also needs his emotional support in dealing with everything while he's away.

What my friend does is this: since her DH has a very good salary as I suppose yours does as well throw money on all practical problems: outsource cleaning and everything else you need. Get a sitter so you can pursue a hobby/see friends. Plan around his days off so you get to spend quality time together without household hassle (get food delivery in, cleaning Lady before etc). Living in one room is temporary so it's not something you have to deal with for a long time. I think your DH could have been more sympathetic: you are raising his children on your own and he ought to acknowledge how hard that can be.

Buttonknot · 11/04/2025 08:59

I can understand you feeling overwhelmed OP. When we were having work done on the house a few years ago I found it soooo stressful! (I "only" had three DC.)

I guess the problem is that there's not much he can do about it as he's away so often. He probably feels guilty and powerless to help. He shouldn't be snappy about it though.

Original poster

Howcloseisburnout · 11/04/2025 09:07

I didn’t mean it to be snarky. I’m literally going to put a lid on it for four days then plough through. I do get how he feels I’m just mega tired.

Unfortunately we’re the same as your friend but without the cash. We simply can’t afford to outsource anything. The house is swallowing everything, there was a lot missed by surveyors etc when we bought it. Don’t get me wrong it’ll be amazing if we ever finish it, but it’s a lot more work than we’d anticipated and honestly I’m not sure we’d have bought it if we’d known.

OP posts:

Natty13 · 11/04/2025 09:07

If he is sad about "missing everything" then what I would do is to take myself to my parents' or sister's for a night when he is home. That way he will get to experience exactly what he is missing - parenting 4 children, alone, in 1 room. You get a rest, he gets what he misses. Win win.

Lots of men only see things from ypur POV when they experience it themselves. Words make no difference whatsoever.

MollyButton · 11/04/2025 09:11

Isittimeformynapyet · 11/04/2025 00:11

Was your husband away a lot when you decided to have the 3rd child and the 4th?

Have you read the thread??????

Naunet · 11/04/2025 09:13

Sofiewoo · 11/04/2025 07:46

I think you’re being unreasonable in that you’re very dismissive of him in this. Being sympathetic to him working away, all the financial pressure of the family and missing out on time with his kids should be normal in a marriage and instead you refer to it as “carrying his crap”.

Both of you are in a shit situation, working away is rubbish, having 4 kids on your own is rubbish.
If you’re both so unhappy at the current situation then it needs to be changed.
Can he work closer to home? Can you work too to bring up any lost income.

I don’t think he’s selfish for voicing that he’s sad he’s missing out on his family. Presumably you wouldn’t want to be away for nights at a time, yet you’re downplaying the same for him.

So she's unreasonable for being dismissive of him, but hes 'not selfish' for not listening to her?! He literally was dismissive of her as well. Amazing how some people see women's roles in relationships. They should both be able to vent to each other, it's not a competition.

OP is there any light on the horizon? Can he change to a more family friendly job?

MollyButton · 11/04/2025 09:15

Getting building work done is extremely stressful. Last time I moved out.
you need to get your thoughts in order and explain it too him clearly. How you feel. That him being home is adding not relieving stress. That living like this is not sustainable.
is there anyway you can move out for a bit with the children? A caravan somewhere or something.
if you can afford it buy in help.
and you have my deepest sympathy, my stomach is knotting from just reading this thread.

Original poster

Howcloseisburnout · 11/04/2025 09:16

Nah no light just got to get a grip I guess!

OP posts:

HotHorseHerbie · 11/04/2025 09:18

Have you been back to the surveyor with details of what was missed? They have complaints procedures and have to pay for work to correct defects if they missed them in the survey.

ItTook9Years · 11/04/2025 09:22

DH worked away 5.5 days a week when I was pregnant and for the first 18 months after she arrived. He hated it. He stopped after 18 months because he could see the resentment I had for doing everything in his absence and his because he was missing out on time with DD. We had a couple of sessions with a counsellor to get back on track. (It drove me mad having him around all the time so now I work away 50% of the time. 😂)

Either of us could need to work away so we stopped at 1.

I don’t think you can reasonably complain if this is what you signed up for. Is he planning to stay in this job forever?

pimplebum · 11/04/2025 09:26

Maybe do some gratitude work and reframe your words

if you are having garden landscaping you are in a v privileged situation the one room thing is temporary , I know a family of 8 in two b and b rooms no chance of that changing anytime soon

not trying to be unsympathetic , genuinely it helps me when I get overwhelmed I remind myself that my kids SEND situation could be a whole lot worse and I own my own home and we both have secure jobs , 2 kids after ivf etc etc list all the positives

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