Guy just doesn’t speak

[Rememberthelittlesthobo]

Would you find it awkward?

A couple of times per week, I go to teach at a house, the child is amazing, dad is nice, but never really speaks to me, aside from to say Hi. He doesn’t engage in the normal social niceties most others do. It doesn’t actually bother me as I don’t love small talk, but will partake in it to be polite.
Is this normal, would you take it personally? I’m wondering if he’s neurodiverse perhaps

You force yourself to make small talk with your babysitter although you’re shy and don’t like small talk because you think it’s ’polite“. He’s shy and has made a different decision. I’m not sure why it’s bothering you so much if you’re also shy and don’t enjoy small talk.

It sounds a bit as if you’re annoyed he doesn’t force himself to do something that you force yourself to do, even though you don’t actually enjoy the thing itself.

Me too

He's just socially awkward and/or not into small talk.
My daughter has had a boyfriend for 3 years and DP doesn’t say a word to him unless they’re at the dinner table together. He can’t be arsed and has zero interest. He’s perfectly charming on work calls and chatty to me and DD but no one else.

It might be more than shyness, he may have social anxiety, he may have selective mutism or he may have both.

But isn’t that a bit rude to her boyfriend? Maybe that doesn’t make him feel very welcome

Well from your post OP you actually came over as someone very young and whose expectation is that every man she meets should be making some sort of small talk with her.

And actually being married doesn't necessarily mean some women don't expect validation from men in general.

I just find you ruminating on the fact someone who employs you to tutor their child doesn't do small talk when you expressly say you don't particularly like small talk inexplicable.

If you were going into a home and the father was talking to you in a familiar way I could understand you being worried . But this chap is behaving in a way not to be worrying. Yet you are worrying about him! How peculiar.

I get it, OP. With your babysitter you are forcing yourself to do something a bit uncomfortable to make her comfortable and welcome in your house.

With this guy, he isn’t inconveniencing himself for you to feel comfortable. I’d lean into this and match his energy. I think as women we sometimes feel compelled to smooth over awkward social situations and men don’t. But you’re there to teach his child. I’d say hello, answer his questions and then just focus his work. If he’s silent when the child is out of the room, just focus on your books. Hopefully it feels liberating!

Perhaps he is comfortable with silence and doesn't feel the need to chit chat. I wouldn't let it worry you, I'm sure it's nothing personal.

I love your username and yes, I do remember! Loved that dog! They don't make programmes like they used to.

Some people just don’t find silence intimidating or awkward or needing to be filled for “comfort”. I’m one of them: I don’t make small talk in these situations either. Hello, would you like a drink, is there anything you need, end. I could put myself out to be “polite” but why would I? I don’t personally need or want that “politeness” and it’s a transaction. I frankly don’t care what the plumber or the window cleaner have been up to since I last saw them, or what they think of the recent weather, they aren’t my friends.

Yes, but literally just a muttered ‘Hi’

It could be to do with previous tutors OP who talk for England but still leave dot on the hour.

If paid by the hour, it's best not to start chatting as it leads to being shortchanged.

Or he might be chatty himself and knows not to as it will waste time/make you uncomfortable.

Could be his wife asking him not to be chatty with females due to her being controlling or him having an eye for the ladies.

Could be embarrased by his voice.

Could be a singer saving/resting his voice.

Could have throat issues.

Could just be not bothered to make small talk.

Could be anything really and you'll never know, so best to take it in your stride and not take it personally.

If I could get away with not speaking I would, particularly dislike small talk. I'm not ND, just don't much like people.
Leave the bloke alone and get on with your job.

Frankly I wish more people would take his lead. People who want to small talk don’t generally actually remember much about what the person they’re making it with has said, because their main concern is filling the silence with the sound of their own voice. My hairdresser prattles on every time I visit her, and never once has she remembered what I said the last time, so it’s a completely pointless exercise - because I dislike having to take part in the prattling, and she doesn’t learn anything about me. Why are we bothering?

He probably wants you to spend your time tutoring and not talking to him!

You are hired help there to do a job no more no less. He has no reason to talk to you.

This.

I love a good chat but won't talk to people (beyond a hi and whether they want a drink) who are providing services that I'm literally paying by the hour for. I would only be wasting my own money.

I'm a big bloke. If I'm in the house by myself and a woman comes in to do some work I feel a bit uncomfortable as I don't want to make her feel like I'm some kind of threat.

I understand. Sometimes it feels that you just can't win.

Oh ffs. Get on with your job! You claim you couldn’t care less, but orchestrated a whole post about it.

I'd really be asking yourself what it is that is bothering you so much about his silence. I agree with a pp that it sounds as if you've decided that making chitchat is 'polite' and something you force yourself to do when you have someone in your house to do a job, so you've decided that everyone has to, and you're annoyed he's not putting himself out to be 'polite' in the way you've decided is necessary eg 'I have made myself do a thing I don't like and it makes me cross that other people don't obey my self-imposed rules'.

Is this normal, would you take it personally? I’m wondering if he’s neurodiverse perhaps

What I was trying to get across in my previous post is that you seem to be inferring that if he is neurodiverse, then it's absolutely fine that he doesn't want to make small talk.

But it's absolutely fine anyway even if he isn't.

So it doesn't matter, does it? As long as he acknowledges you, he's not being rude.

It seems as though if we all said 'Yes, he probably has autism or something', you'd think 'Phew! I won't take it personally then'.

But there's no need to take it personally anyway even if he is NT, because you've just stumbled across someone different to yourself that's all.

But you're not a friend or a member of this man's family that needs to feel 'at home'. You're literally just turning up to tutor his child. He doesn't need to say any more than 'Hi' and then leave the room to let you get on with it. Especially if he's paying you by the hour. Presumably he wants to get his money's worth rather than spending ten minutes of your session chatting about the weather.

Your example of a babysitter is a bit different, because with a babysitter you're going to leave them in charge of your home for a few hours and of course they need to know where things are, whether you've left them snacks, anything they need to know about your child etc. But with you as a tutor, you're just going in, teaching the child and leaving again.

If you don't like small talk either, which you say you don't, I'm not sure why this is bothering you. He's probably just shy. But even if he is just rude/standoffish, does it matter? He's still paying you and you don't have to spend time with him, only with his child.

Ok thanks everyone, not sure why I was taking this a little personally

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. What would "winning" be in this context?

I feel differently from some on the thread. I don't think you're miffed because he isn't chatting you up; that interpretation has got a few people's backs up. I think it's a polite human thing to speak to another human who comes into the same space as you. This is more pronounced when they are there to do something of a personal or intellectual nature. The job is to some extent relational- actually, you can't do your job except in an atmosphere of comfort.

I think it's foolish of him not to try and set you at ease. Also frankly, he could use the 5 mins to find out how it's going with his child, how you're finding the tutoring, any progress or concerns, anything he could help with or reinforce at home. It's insulting to treat you like a sort of servant bot, rather than a skilled relational professional who might have something useful to share with him.

In my own home I would make small talk with -
a nanny or babysitter
a tutor
a music teacher
a cook or someone setting up an event, like a kids' party or a hen night thing.
And out of home - a hairdresser, someone doing my nails, a parent or teacher waiting at a school gate with me if we were the only ones there. A psychotherapist. etc etc.

I would not necessarily feel I needed to make small talk with:-
a window cleaner
someone fixing the toilet
someone delivering a new sofa.
These are very transactional things where the relationship doesn't matter.

Sometimes I would talk to the cleaner - but sometimes not. She's in an in between space!

And I might ask the Sainsbury's dude, is he having a busy day, or something. Just a moment of contact helps the world go round.

Still think he's Swedish.