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Original poster

Unsure if I’m being unreasonable regarding partners hobbies?

71 replies

Whittab · 10/04/2025 20:00

For context, my partner works shifts and can do his own shifts as he pleases to a certain extent.

On a Monday and Thursday, my partner will give himself an early shift because he plays football in the evening. We currently have a 12 week old and I am on maternity leave where I am exclusively breastfeeding.

He normally has to do one late shift until 10 pm and usually the other shifts are typically 8 am until 4 pm or 9 am until 5 pm with the occasional 11 am until 8 pm

Atypical week can look something like the following -

Monday - 08:00-16:30 football 8-9 (leave 7.30, home for 9.30)
Tuesday - 13:30-22:00
Wednesday - 09:00 - 17:00
Thursday - 08:00 - 16.30 football 7-8 pub 8-9
Friday - 09:00 - 17:00
Sat and Sun off

Sometimes he does work weekends and when he does they are likely to be late shifts he’ll have days off in the week, which are normally Thursday and Friday.

When he leaves for football, he will normally leave 30 minutes before because he picks up friends or has to accommodate for travel time.

My issue is that on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I’m basically solo parenting for the whole day and he’s missing bedtime as our son will go to bed around 8:30 or 9 o’clock.

They are also long days for myself as I don’t really get a break until he gets in and then sometimes he’s in for 45 minutes and then leaves again and has gone for another two hours or more and I’m doing bedtime on my own.

Ideally, i do you want to start doing something for myself (going to the gym or a work out class) but I’m conscious that in doing so is going to take away from our family time because this would likely have to be on a Wednesday or Friday.

We’ve had discussions about this already and my partner says it’s good for his mental health and is essentially the only exercise that he will get at the moment.

Am I being unreasonable to ask my partner to essentially give up one of his football days to spend more time together?

OP posts:
Runningoutofthyme · 10/04/2025 20:06

Is there a mistake in the op as it looks like Tuesday he isn’t leaving until after lunch?

you get more family time than we do in our household with those shift patterns. I’d focus on carving some time out for you, what is it you’d want to do on. The evening he doesn’t go to football?

Buttonknot · 10/04/2025 20:09

Could you go to the gym on a Tuesday morning OP? I think it's ok for him to have 2 evenings a week playing football, as long as you get some time to yourself too and you have family times at weekends.

Daisy12Maisie · 10/04/2025 20:10

Mental health is really, really important and so is family time. That looks like a good balance to me. He is out 2 evenings a week.
Could you do a class in the day? Even online yoga in the morning when he is home? Or meet friends with the baby in the day if you don’t want to go out in the evenings?

A friend of mines husband loved rugby so he always took their 2 girls to rugby on a Saturday morning from when they were tiny. So that was her time to relax on her own.
Could you find a baby class on a Saturday? Swimming or something for when the baby is a bit older? Then make that a dad thing so they can bond. You only go if he is working. Then you could have some time.

SE20schools · 10/04/2025 20:16

I'm obviously in the minority here but I wouldn't be happy with that.
You have a brand new baby who i assume doesn't sleep much, you're breastfeeding so he can't just take over and do a shift with formula, which means that the kind of help that he can provide - doing bath and bed, stories, relieving you after a long day on your own, letting you lie in when he can - is being cut short by the combination of shift work and 2 football nights. I agree that mental health and exercise are important but he effectively is out 3 full evenings a week.
Does he do more than his fair share at weekends? Do you get time to rest?

I'd say one evening a week football at this early stage is more appropriate, and then increase again as baby starts solids and you're less of the primary carer and hopefully less sleep deprived!!!

Jane958 · 10/04/2025 20:17

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MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2025 20:18

Do not make the mistake of allowing him to prioritise his own time while you prioritise family time. That way lies disaster.

Take the morning on his late day and half a day on the weekend for you. Express some milk and/or add a bottle.

This does two things; gives him baby skills, and sets a stake in the ground that you are as important as he is.

Espresso25 · 10/04/2025 20:19

With DC’s at that age me and my DH spilt our evenings. So we’d either take turns to exercise or one would go first and the other afterwards. We’d have a discussion about it though. Your OH sounds like he’s just left you holding the baby.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2025 20:19

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Reported. How rude and mean!

Original poster
Whittab · 10/04/2025 20:22

I was using the talk to type function for efficiency but thanks for this.

OP posts:
SE20schools · 10/04/2025 20:25

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2025 20:18

Do not make the mistake of allowing him to prioritise his own time while you prioritise family time. That way lies disaster.

Take the morning on his late day and half a day on the weekend for you. Express some milk and/or add a bottle.

This does two things; gives him baby skills, and sets a stake in the ground that you are as important as he is.

Totally agree with this. His time and mental health are not more important than yours.

Mandylovescandy · 10/04/2025 20:35

My DP worked away all week at that stage so I know it is really hard doing lots of it yourself but he is around quite a bit and can you focus on getting specific help in those time slots - like can he do dinner and let you rest/go for a walk or whatever Monday and Thursday evenings and go to the gym yourself Tuesday morning

Endofyear · 10/04/2025 21:15

I think it's unreasonable to ask him to give up his football. Just leave the baby with him when he's home and go to the gym or an exercise class. Make sure he does bedtime with little one when he's home and take yourself off for a bath or a bit of time to yourself.

mrlistersgelfbride · 10/04/2025 21:51

It looks like Tuesday morning is free?
Use this time for you and leave him with the baby...gym, exercise class, coffee with a friend etc.
You'll feel better carving this bit of time out for yourself.

Malorcamum · 10/04/2025 21:51

I’m struggling with this too at the moment- I don’t have advice, just sympathy!

I feel like I want to prioritise spending time together as a family over ‘me’ time. The idea of doing a class or activities feels draining. Leaving my baby is hard, especially when breastfeeding! The pressure to suddenly develop some hobbies on top of everything else doesn’t help me x) Personally, I’m happy just meeting a friend for coffee, doing some painting, doing a light workout in my kitchen whilst baby naps, or having a nice bath.

My partner was off playing sports 2 evenings a week plus Saturdays in addition to working 7-5. He works long hours in a grim office so I understand that he needs the release, but it is hard. I told him it would be helpful if he picked one thing to give up, so he gave up one evening per week and it has helped a little.

Eenameenadeeka · 11/04/2025 06:01

I think you should both get time for yourselves, as well as family time. Looks like Tuesday he doesn't start till the afternoon, so can you do something in that morning, and then one evening?

tootsfan · 11/04/2025 06:08

Don’t ask him to give up his football- it’ll be beneficial for his physical and mental wellbeing- which is ultimately good for you and your DC

But you do need to build in some time for yourself and find something to do (e.g. gym) for the same reasons

GiroJim100 · 11/04/2025 06:27

So he’s working all week while you’re at home and you want him to give up his sole hobby so instead you can go off to do something you want to do? That’s a pretty selfish attitude from you if I’m completely honest.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 11/04/2025 06:31

@Whittab so when is your mental health evening off????? he sounds really unyielding to you!

Trumpsgoneloco · 11/04/2025 06:32

I would struggle with this but know lots of families where one parent does this & the other parent does the same on different nights. I would then struggle to fit in family time, dc's activities, eating together etc.

HelmholtzWatson · 11/04/2025 06:42

So your reason for asking him to stop is to have more family time together, meanwhile you're also thinking about doing something by yourself?

This isn't just good for his fitness, it's likely the only time he gets to spend time with friends. By all means do something for yourself, but it's not reasonable to expect him to give up some fairly modest social time.

Codlingmoths · 11/04/2025 07:29

Also interested in if there’s Tuesday until lunch he’s at home. In which case I think you should lock in 3 hours every Tuesday morning that he solo parents, while you sleep in, gym and coffee. Forget family time op, these men are all ‘my mental health needs 2 football sesssions a week and a pub session and no I don’t provide you with any equivalent time off or even any time off because why would I give a shit?’ That’s what he’s telling you when he talks about his mental health. You can’t prioritise lovely family time until you get them to also prioritise you. Baby gets daddy time for a few hours straight while you go out and baby gets mummy just about 24/7. You need to fix his attitude now before baby is 6 and does want both mum and dad. If mum and dad splits up baby never gets family time, so your number 1 priorities should be baby, and getting your husband to be a dad and partner by parenting and giving you time off like he expects you to do for him.

MonkeyTennis34 · 11/04/2025 07:39

I’m married to a golfer. You’ve got it easy.

Agix · 11/04/2025 07:41

Two evenings a week is absolutely nothing. Don't ask him to stop, it's his exercise and friend time . You use two of the evenings or mornings he's free to look after the kids to go do your thing.

Trainstrike · 11/04/2025 07:43

There's no issue here unless he disagrees with you also having 2 evenings/mornings out yourself. He's out for 3-4 hours twice a week, so just tell him (don't suggest or ask!) that you'll be doing the same.

I'd suggest Tuesday morning and Friday evening so it's a bit split up.

Plumedenom · 11/04/2025 07:48

The only way that he's doing to understand his two football sessions means there is no family time is by you going out all of that Tuesday morning and one evening a week. Sacrifice the family time and look after yourself. Book into some classes, or get used to doing a regular trip to the library or coffee shop Tuesday morning, a music lesson, and call it your hobby. Never skip it. Wait for him to whine (he will whine). Then renegotiate. You may however like the new arrangement and never look back. Everyone likes and needs time doing their own thing. It's more important than family time and allows you to maintain friendships. Don't feel guilty, you're with the baby all the bloody time.