Unsure if I’m being unreasonable regarding partners hobbies?

[Whittab]

For context, my partner works shifts and can do his own shifts as he pleases to a certain extent.

On a Monday and Thursday, my partner will give himself an early shift because he plays football in the evening. We currently have a 12 week old and I am on maternity leave where I am exclusively breastfeeding.

He normally has to do one late shift until 10 pm and usually the other shifts are typically 8 am until 4 pm or 9 am until 5 pm with the occasional 11 am until 8 pm

Atypical week can look something like the following -

Monday - 08:00-16:30 football 8-9 (leave 7.30, home for 9.30)
Tuesday - 13:30-22:00
Wednesday - 09:00 - 17:00
Thursday - 08:00 - 16.30 football 7-8 pub 8-9
Friday - 09:00 - 17:00
Sat and Sun off

Sometimes he does work weekends and when he does they are likely to be late shifts he’ll have days off in the week, which are normally Thursday and Friday.

When he leaves for football, he will normally leave 30 minutes before because he picks up friends or has to accommodate for travel time.

My issue is that on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I’m basically solo parenting for the whole day and he’s missing bedtime as our son will go to bed around 8:30 or 9 o’clock.

They are also long days for myself as I don’t really get a break until he gets in and then sometimes he’s in for 45 minutes and then leaves again and has gone for another two hours or more and I’m doing bedtime on my own.

Ideally, i do you want to start doing something for myself (going to the gym or a work out class) but I’m conscious that in doing so is going to take away from our family time because this would likely have to be on a Wednesday or Friday.

We’ve had discussions about this already and my partner says it’s good for his mental health and is essentially the only exercise that he will get at the moment.

Am I being unreasonable to ask my partner to essentially give up one of his football days to spend more time together?

What is he like when he's at home?

You haven't said he'd resent you having time for yourself but that you wouldn't take it because family time

No, you time is important too. There's plenty of scope to suggest you'll take some time for gym classes etc when you feel up to it

If he moans then you have a problem

Ah yes the lowest common denominator. What both these posters are saying is Some men are very absent parents and out endure week women just put up with it, why don’t you be grateful yours is less bad? Waiting for someone to come along and say be grateful he doesn’t hit you. Every minute he’s out at his hobbies is another endless minute where the op is solo parenting a tiny baby she gave birth to 12 weeks ago. He doesn’t support her to have such minutes. It’s not ok. Why don’t you posters say you already care for that baby all day and all overnight how come he doesn’t realise that evening gap where you have some support is just about essential? Why are his mental health and life balance needs so much more important than the new mums?

Speak for yourself... I said playing a sport twice a week for 60 mins or whatever it is, is not a terrible thing. He is getting some exercise, he's not down at the pub drinking every night/ weekend. Why on earth you are banging on about being greatful for not being hit I don't know.

Maybe I cant relate as much as despite being exhausted as new mum, I was still back in the gym and playing sports 8 weeks after I gave birth. Doing that a few hours a week worked absolute wonders for me, but I've played sports all my life and being a mum hasn't changed that.

I'm not saying she has to do that, but I stand by my opinion that OP and her husband should equally have time out to themselves to do something they enjoy. Whether that be the gym, or shopping, coffee etc.

I wasn’t sleeping more than about 90 minutes at a time ever at that point, and not much more than that in total every night so was 90% zombie still recovering from birth, and what I needed was my husband rolling up his sleeves with the home load and his new baby so I could cope, never mind be in a healthy space or take actual hobby time, none of that was on the table. Just coping. If the op needs more support, they both need to dig in instead of one be left to it and the other work hard on optimising their mental health at his wife’s cost.

A good compromise could be he drops the football to once per week , but I don't think he should have to give that up completely. OP has said she wants to go to the gym, but she hasn't because she feels like it will impact family time, it doesn't sound like she isn't coping as such, she's just finding the days long and probably a bit lonely. Her husbands hours don't sound that bad either to be honest.

If he doesn't help at all when he is at home, she's completely exhausted and he wont allow her to do a hobby, well that's a different story, but she hasn't said anything to suggest thats the case.

The tiny baby phase will be replaced by the sleep regression phase, then the teething, more regressions, toddlerhood etc.

Tiny baby isn't long, but parenting a small child who probably doesn't sleep well often lasts years (and has the extra joy of working at the same time).

2 nights a week doesn't seem excessive (especially as one of them finishes at 9pm). But going go thinking that it's either ok/not ok, because it's just a short phase. Find something that works for you both, knowing that you'll need each others support with child AND juggling your physical and mental health for a long time. So it needs to be something you can both live with.

He’s out three evenings but he’s home a lot in the day time. It honestly looks fine to me so long as he is pulling his weight when he is home. Can you move the baby’s bedtime earlier so that he’s around for that more often?

Personally at this stage, I'd be expecting my partner to drop a day of football, and pick it back up again once baby starts going to bed earlier and sleep has improved a bit.

Me and my wife (both women) have a 10 month old. My main hobby is board games. My wife's is fencing. Obviously very early days, neither of us were going anywhere. A few weeks in, i used to take baby with me to my evening board game group once a week (EBF and never took a bottle). My wife would go fencing once a week. After caring for a newborn alone all day, I wouldn't have wanted my wife going out twice a week on an evening.

Now baby naturally goes to bed earlier, I go out twice a week once I've put her to sleep, and wife goes fencing twice a week. Baby doesn't wake up anymore though, only rarely. One of those nights I stop at my mum's though, as the fact remains, that I've been with baby all day everyday, and do most bed times (I have to do the actual sleep part as she feeds to sleep!), and it's nice to have the support. It also just gets quite lonely to be with baby all day on your own, then you're still alone for most of the evening.

It's easy to say two evenings a week is nothing, but when you've cared for a young baby alone the entire day (particularly when EBF tbh when baby is glued to you in the early days), when it gets to the evening, you're really ready for your partner to help for a while.

When I was a new dad (30 years ago) I gave up EVERYTHING (hobbies etc) to prioritise the family. While in retrospect it probably wasn't totally necessary, it just felt like the right thing to do. We were the first in our friendship groups /siblings to have kids. As others joined us in parenthood, I became increasingly aware of other dads NOT doing this. Some would prioritise work, others would lie to their partners about having to prioritise stuff. Some couldn't handle being a dad, and left.
All of them, however, were finding excuses not to pull their weight. Imho, so is your husband.

Bloody hell he’s out 4 hours a week doing a hobby, hardly excessive! When my dd was a new baby, my husband worked away Mon-Fri, I just got on with it like thousands of other mums. She’s not working, which a lot have to do as well, she needs to make some friends, go to baby groups etc if she’s finding it lonely having long days at home. Looking at that rota they have a lot more family time than most!

He’s going out 4 hours a week, why does she need all Tuesday morning and an evening as well? You have no idea if he’ll whine, he may very well like her to be a bit more independent and getting out and about! Some of you mums are so biased, if she was on here saying she went out for 4 hours a week and her husband was moaning, you’d all be going mad and saying he was totally unreasonable and yet when a man wants a few hours, he’s terrible!

My DH was like @InterestedDad37and tbh I was a bit more like the OP's husband (I was not working shifts though and term time only). It needs to be a balance. Get a family calendar and bid for time on it. I was always conscious of how much time I'd taken and made sure DH took some.

I think it's generally a good idea to start as you mean to go on with these things. It's harder to change an entrenched situation.

I'm not sure I'd want to give up an organised activity for some vague idea about "family time" but I would if DH wanted to do something specific of course.

It probably is good for his mental health-but what about yours?

I think it's a reasonable amount of time, it's only twice he is out for his hobby and once for work which is necessary. You have all weekend together which not all couples have and that should be prioritised as family time.

How helpful is he when he is around though as think this would be the deciding point as to whether his hobbies are too much. Does he do housework, cook dinner, take the baby from you?
While I appreciate people are saying go out to equal out the time, you might not want that just yet, but maybe you could make sure you block time off to have a long bath, go for a walk or something without the baby. As the baby gets older though you might want to think about if you have a hobby you want to do and that he is then the one to look after the baby.

I'm in the he needs to be home more camp, especially when the baby is so small. And slightly later on - if he gets 2 me time sessions a week for his mental health/fitness/activities so should you. He needs to pull on his big boy pants.

What about Wednesday and Friday he is at home and weekends. Do you have other children? At least he comes home before going off to football on Monday and Thursday
Now baby is three months you can go to baby groups at local church halls or libraries all very cheap or free.
Use nap time to do what you want to do - read, online yoga or pilates or if you are really desperate to do cooking and cleaning.
Arrange your day around baby and not him.

Personally I think it's really really hard and even most mothers have forgotten by the time their kids are five just how hard it is at the start with the first baby. I think hobbies are not important in the first year. The important thing is avoiding post natal depression. That means time out from holding the baby but still being close enough to not feel stressed. So it means the dad being at home and being supportive. Football will be there when he wants to pick it back up.

A 12 week old is the proper trenches. Whilst having time for hobbies as parents is important, I think it’s very early days for OP’s partner to be taking quite so much time for himself.

You have Tuesday morning, Wednesday and Friday evening to choose from and most weekends as family time with other family time at different times.

Having kids does mean quite a bit of juggling. We used to usually go out together as a couple pre kids but now we both use our out time to pursue our own hobbies and see our close friends - not that we never do stuff together but it is different.

Football twice a week is an efficiency way to combine socialising and exercise and is vastly preferable to having a couch potato for a partner. Just make sure there’s time for you to pursue your own thing too.

Absurd

I would have a similar set up with my husband when our second arrives (2 evenings out at a sport and one working), and I've already told him that I expect him to not go out to his evening activity on either 1 or both of the evenings if I'm feeling overwhelmed, especially with a toddler to get to bed as well.
He understands that its a temporary thing, he didn't start up this routine until our first was older and more manageable in the evenings and to be fair to him, I don't have a regular evening out like he does but I am more likely to go out for dinner with friends etc which he always accommodates.
I feel similarly though in that I want the time together, not necessarily time by myself without him & our kids, so for me, that's my priority generally over my own activities (I would work out at home for example to minimise the disruption to family time).
12 weeks is still so early on to be just getting on with his normal routine! There will be a time when it'll be easier to have that time for himself but its not right now. It doesn't matter if other people have it worse or have coped with this set up, its not working for you as a family right now so compromises should be made.