Unsure if I’m being unreasonable regarding partners hobbies?

[Whittab]

For context, my partner works shifts and can do his own shifts as he pleases to a certain extent.

On a Monday and Thursday, my partner will give himself an early shift because he plays football in the evening. We currently have a 12 week old and I am on maternity leave where I am exclusively breastfeeding.

He normally has to do one late shift until 10 pm and usually the other shifts are typically 8 am until 4 pm or 9 am until 5 pm with the occasional 11 am until 8 pm

Atypical week can look something like the following -

Monday - 08:00-16:30 football 8-9 (leave 7.30, home for 9.30)
Tuesday - 13:30-22:00
Wednesday - 09:00 - 17:00
Thursday - 08:00 - 16.30 football 7-8 pub 8-9
Friday - 09:00 - 17:00
Sat and Sun off

Sometimes he does work weekends and when he does they are likely to be late shifts he’ll have days off in the week, which are normally Thursday and Friday.

When he leaves for football, he will normally leave 30 minutes before because he picks up friends or has to accommodate for travel time.

My issue is that on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I’m basically solo parenting for the whole day and he’s missing bedtime as our son will go to bed around 8:30 or 9 o’clock.

They are also long days for myself as I don’t really get a break until he gets in and then sometimes he’s in for 45 minutes and then leaves again and has gone for another two hours or more and I’m doing bedtime on my own.

Ideally, i do you want to start doing something for myself (going to the gym or a work out class) but I’m conscious that in doing so is going to take away from our family time because this would likely have to be on a Wednesday or Friday.

We’ve had discussions about this already and my partner says it’s good for his mental health and is essentially the only exercise that he will get at the moment.

Am I being unreasonable to ask my partner to essentially give up one of his football days to spend more time together?

It seems ok to me given he’s working full time. Two nights a week is very reasonable. Monday he’s in for three hours right over dinner / bedtime, and Tuesday he’s there all morning so it’s only really one day he’s out all day.

I agree you need time yourself as well, but there seem to be plenty of options for that?

It's healthy for everyone to have interests and to get exercise, if one can combine them that's an efficient use of time.
The only thing that looks wrong here is that you are not carving out time for yourself to have those things. Don't slip into a situation where you resent your husband for his two sessions of "me time" a week just because you didn't do the same, if that was a choice for you.
I think it's important that my child sees me modelling behaviour that women don't stop being individuals with an individual's need for exercise and mental stimulation and good mental health, just because they become mothers. It would set up some very poor expectations. We have to walk the talk.

By the way, I speak from experience. I started going to the gym and husband got annoyed he was left looking after the children a lot. Now he has his own hobby which takes him away a whole night a week and half a day of the weekend and suddenly everything is ok. It's resentment for the time he has to do his own thing. Don't fall into the trap, do your own thing. He will prefer that to you being resentful. I know it's hard leaving the baby when it's so little but the baby will survive, whereas this still reckons marriages if resentment is left to boil.

She says she could do this but it takes away from family time.

Personally OP you have the morning he goes in late and weekends where you could do classes as well as the evenings he is home early. I would also look at gyms that have creches. There are usually quite a few around that do.

Why will he whine? You have no idea whether he will or not. Maybe he would be happy to have his wife getting out to do her own thing too. Many men are you know.

It's healthy for everyone to have interests and to get exercise, if one can combine them that's an efficient use of time.

Of course but it doesn't have to equal separate gym sessions. I don't think my parents stepped foot in a gym when I was a dc as they weren't really a thing. We did lots of bike reading & walked a lot as a family & then did tennis, badminton etc together but in separate sessions.

@Whittab do you go out together with friends & as a couple?

He is only doing hobbies 2 eve per week, you can have 2 evenings to do yours, the other he is working. Sadly this is normal family life, if you work and have hobbies. Wait until your baby is older and you have to include their clubs, you will spend hardly anytime together.

We both work full time and prob only spend evenings from 8pm till 10 together unless one of us is working or is out.

You need to leave the baby with him a couple of evenings or you will deeply regret that you are the babys sole carer and he is off living his life.

Don't have another child until you have established he is a fully involved father, not out living life like a single man, his life unchanged, just yours.

You should have equal time out for yourself
maybe you will have to organise it in chunks like a week where he has baby and you go on a yoga retreat ( or similar )
my partner runs in the morning I gym in the evening

I would raise the issue of your time out , can you go to the gym when he is at football and get a babysitter ?

Find an exercise class or get your nails done, or whatever on a Tuesday morning. And the same for Friday evening. You have all weekend to spend together as a family, so use the time he is home in the week to have some time to yourself. All it takes is a little give and take, and his shifts could mean that you both get time to yourselves and feel fulfilled away from parenting.

I'm quite surprised by all these comments. The baby is 12 weeks old! Not 12 months. Which likely means the OP is bloody knackered (particularly if ebf) and the pressure from everyone "to have time to herself" probably feels overwhelming. When I was in that exact situation what I wanted...no NEEDED, from my dh was his presence, his time, his help. Not a "tag team" situation where we passed the baby back and forth. Great if that works for you, and that often ends up being the situation as the baby gets older and the mum feels more ready to rejoin the world again and has more energy, but the OP obviously thinks family time is important and feels lik her dh is taking advantage of that.

I get it OP. Imagine you're hormonal, tired, not really sure what you want/need, but you are sure that it's not having your dh out 3 evenings a week leaving you to do everything and then likely everything at night too. And then being told by a bunch of people on the Internet you've got it easy and loads of time to yourself and stop complaining.

The tiny baby stage is hard and doesn't last long. He can prioritise you and your new baby for a while.

Soubds absolutely fine to me. You need to find a hobby of your own and leave the baby with him on the times he is home.

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel - you’ve taken the words out of mouth!

Glad it's struck a chord. Its horrible feeling something and it seeming like nobody gets it.

Maybe try and have a chat with him? I think men can struggle to really understand quite how tough it is when you have your first baby - and it's more than just "tired and no time for myself tough". I mean that's true of course, but at 12 weeks post partum I'm guessing you don't feel ready to leave the baby and go off and do classes/meet people for dinner etc anyway? You want time and space and help, but in your comfort zone and near your baby I.e. he needs to be there with you. Let you have a long bath or a sleep or a hot meal or a movie in bed or yoga in the garden or a walk in the park or whatever it is you need. If it helps, I didn't go anywhere without either of my dc until they were over 4 months old, and even then it was an hour walk round the park to clear my head. It was my choice and when I was ready to leave them and not because everyone kept prattling on about taking time for myself or doing exercise or whatever. When I was ready I did it, and then that progressed to regular gym sessions/meeting friends etc, just like other posters are suggesting.

We now have 2 small kids, both work full time and have a pretty equal set up when it comes to childcare and hobbies. Took us a little while to find the rhythm but we did eventually.

It's different for everyone of course but I just want you to know it's totally normal to feel like that.

You're not being unreasonable to expect him to step up and take care of you and the baby, in a way that works for you. He's out the house getting baby free time at work (yes work is hard but it's still time to himself) and then the one night of football followed by pub is time for him.

Try and talk to him - he may just be totally oblivious to what you need, i know my dh was first time round! By the time the second baby came along he knew what to expect and what to prioritise.

If he can pick his own shifts why can't he do 9-5 on Tuesday and spend the night with you? Cuz tbh I don't think 2 evenings playing footie is terrible

I think having time to yourself is important when you have young kids and I don’t think two evenings a week is unreasonable. I would say that getting some time yourself is also important as it is for him to have solo care of your baby. Many women will essentially take over all childcare leaving little opportunity for the dad to bond. When my two were babies I did a Saturday job to earn extra money, get out of the house and make my husband step up to care for our children. Can you not take a few hours for yourself over the weekend or Tuesday morning and let him take over looking after the baby?

When mine was small, my DH had a job with a 90 minutes commute each way... He was doing 12 hour days five days a week. I think you're lucky yours has such flexible hours. Two evenings a week playing football is a healthy hobby. What does he do from 16:30 until he leaves for football? Could he give you the chance for a nap or a sit down?

Haha I was just about to say this, be thankful your husband isn't a golfer!

I don't think he is being unreasonable at all to be honest OP, you would be being unreasonable to ask him to stop. It's only 2 evenings a week, and it's not even for that long. You just need to find your own hobby so you don't feel resentment.

There will still plenty of time for family time if you add in an activity once or twice a week.

I think it depends a lot on how involved you partner is the rest of the time. The exercise & social aspect is good for your partner but you also need some time to yourself as well as time together. My husband taking up football actually improved our family time as he had undiagnosed diabetes & would fall asleep on the sofa all evening while I did everything & became resentful. He became a different person & much more involved with the kids so it was hugely beneficial. In your case, you need to talk & come to a compromise that works for you all.

i think it's very important that you both have time to yourselves, and that you establish family time.

When my DH took over parental leave - i was prepared for a lot of things, but the one that caught me by surprise was the realisation that our family income depended solely on me. I had a stressful job that i didn't love, but i had to stick at it because i had no choice. It took me a while to get used to that.

So we divided up our free time, so each of us got to do things that are good for our mental health. Turns out we both run for that, so we each fitted in 3 runs a week in our calendar, and kept it up when we were both working.

Can you do that? it doesn't have to be sport, it can be just sitting somewhere quiet reading with no interruptions, or a pole dancing class, or learning a language. But you need time to recharge your batteries.

And getting him to take sole charge of child will set you all up for a good future together.

I don’t understand why he isn’t coming home at 4.30 for a couple of hours before heading out to footie. I think while you are breast feeding you are a bit trapped (this is why I didn’t want to do it tbh). As soon as you have baby on solids & it will take a bottle you need to plan some time out for yourself. It won’t be long.

I think 3 nights a week away is too much when baby is 12 weeks old. I think he needs to reign back the football until you are coping better with it all (as someone who found the early days really tough and quite lonely especially when parenting solo for hours into the evenings).

In this day of parenting the woman still is expected to take the load and be the primary carer. The dad though has first pick of stepping away and enjoying a hobby unrelated to his family.

I personally am not for the responses that say it is good for his health and all that. What is best is now you are both parents is to talk calmly what you both want - an agreed amount of time to do a hobby for each of you.

I find the comments excusing men for their hobbies, enough. It’s fine when kids are older but at the start everyone needs to pitch in.

It is absolutely true that football and socialising is good for his health. But what is being left alone to carry the can doing to the OP’s health? She is in the depths of exhaustion, breastfeeding and a body possibly ruined by childbirth and he is talking about having hobbies. They are in completely different places.

OP, the time for hobbies is when your baby is weaned and sleeping through. Until then you need huge amounts of support, not a night off once a week to do Zumba. It’s not a lot to ask that until the baby is weaned and sleeping through, he is present for you as much as possible. Otherwise you are in a situation where his life is more or less unchanged and yours has imploded.

If he is not very empathetic he may not understand what life is like for you and you may have to spell it out very clearly/get him up in the night/get him doing sole bedtime so he gets it.