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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It is so hard for me to stay away from this cruel sadistic man

62 replies

Confusedsue · 10/04/2025 19:31

Now we have been on and off for a few years now. He is very hot and cold, he has never fully committed to a "proper" relationship with me although after everything I have found out plus his actions I do not want to be in a relationship with him.

I am so attracted to him sexually more than I ever have been with anyone. I just find him so attractive and I love the sex with him. Anyway he recently let me down again and I often feel that he gets off on hurting people. Even though I know how he is it still hurt me. Anyway I have decided to just keep him as just sex now and again when I want it that way I have no expectations and cannot be hurt by him plus I completely realise now that under no circumstances would I want to be in a relationship with him.

To top it off he has recently been exposed as being abusive to many of his exes. There has been rumours in the past but now there is an official investigation against him as many people have come forward.

Apologies for the length. I just wanted to get it off my chest. His recent behaviour towards me really frustrated me and upset me. I will never put myself in that position again. I guess I was just giving him the benefit of the doubt, but now I have fully decided I don't want anymore from him. Just sex now and again until I meet someone else.

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 10/04/2025 19:36

Why would you still be intimate with a man that you believe enjoys hurting you and has been abusive to other women.

If you think that you can be with him sexually on your own terms and it is somehow you taking control, you are being very foolish.

You need to do some reading about why sex with narcissistic people feels addictive. They send you on a dopamine roller coaster with lovebombing, breadcrumbing and gaslighting so you become a confused mess, constantly seeking the dopamine hits that only they can give.

Especially as women we fool ourselves into thinking sex = connection and it doesn't, not unless both parties are meeting on the same page with good intentions.

You will never be off his hook unless you block him and don't see him again.

Dinosweetpea · 10/04/2025 19:36

You are being ridiculous, you need to stay away from him altogether. He's clearly an abusive, horrible man.

HenDoNot · 10/04/2025 19:37

I will never be put my self in that position again

You will though, and you know it.

But sure, if your post makes you feel like you’re in control, whatever. Nobody here believes you.

Burngreave · 10/04/2025 19:37

You’re continuing to be intimate with someone who is abusive to you and has been abusive to women in the past, to the extent there’s an investigation into it?

Great life decision, right there.

You need to block and forget, and move on.

Mulledjuice · 10/04/2025 19:38

You're too invested for a no-strings sex arrangement with this man. You won't be able to stop yourself from having expectations.

Go cold turkey, otherwise you'll go crazy.

Smallmercies · 10/04/2025 19:39

You do you, I guess? 🤷‍♀️

something2say · 10/04/2025 19:40

It's hardly ten out of ten stuff is it? Can you not do better? Have you lost sight of what a normal, functioning, loving relationship would look like?

NovemberMorn · 10/04/2025 19:41

You simply cannot have great sex with a man who you are that attracted to, and not get emotionally involved...and if you think you can, you are fooling yourself.

Get rid.

Jabberwok · 10/04/2025 19:44

Jesus... Why just why...I worked with a woman like you for 2 long, hard, tiring years...by about 3 months I'd stopped giving an opinion, after 6 I stopped listening.

Why put yourself through this. It's like saying "I know this chicken is moldy but I'm going to eat it anyway"

SunnyHelper · 10/04/2025 19:51

It's not "just sex" when you've said he keeps hurting you and you've been invested this long. Be honest with yourself, you know deep down what you're doing and you're wasting your time hanging on to him.
I highly recommend you go to therapy and find out why you would repeatedly put yourself in this position.

DinaofCloud9 · 10/04/2025 19:52

What have I just read?

Get a vibrator and block him.

Buttonknot · 10/04/2025 19:53

I'd just block him if I were you OP.

MoominMai · 10/04/2025 20:22

Not a great message you’re sending out to abusive men. Being in a FWB type relationship isn’t the issue it’s the fact that there’s no incentive for him to change if he gets what he wants anyway. Also OP use what’s on top not the bottom to think here - eg can you imagine if he caught a STD and blamed you next you hooked up? Would you feel safe? Or if he’d had a bad day and was rough with you? I dunno, my minds just blown you would willingly keep such a liability in your life. If you have any sense, you’d get a toy and get rid!

GoldBeautifulHeart · 10/04/2025 20:30

No cock, even if it made of pure gold, is ever worth this.

I'm sorry but the sex is too good? Yet you're okay being with someone who abuses others? How long until he does that to you.

If he is narcissistic (overused term on here) the supply you give him will mean he gets bored and he will discard you.

Find your self respect and your happiness and send him packing.

Robinredd · 10/04/2025 20:33

I've been in a similar position with the same type of man. Before I met him I thought I was reasonably sensible and level headed. I never thought I'd be the type to be in an abusive relationship. Psychopaths are addictive, I've learnt that. I was addicted to him even though i was scared of him. The feeling I had with him I've never had with anyone else before or since but being with him was hell but the pull was a force to be reckoned with.

It's been 9 years since I got free of that relationship and I realise I'd had a lucky escape. He ended up doing time for beating up the mother of his child and it wasn't the first time. Absolute monster.

Please please leave this man. You'll continue to get hurt, possibly physically. You can't have sex when there's already feelings involved. It's madness and you know it is.

Think if you had a daughter and she ended up with a man like that. I have two daughters now and it makes my blood run cold just the thought.

SnemonyLicket · 10/04/2025 20:35

So he treats you badly and he has a history of being abusive to women, and instead of getting rid of him altogether you think you can do this on your own terms and just shag him every now and again. You’re literally playing into his hands and giving him what he wants…sex without the commitment, and abusing you/treating you badly and you keep coming back for more. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He’s happy to have sex with you but that’s where it stops for him. You’re never going to meet someone else whilst he’s in your life because your mind is on him…so this is basically it for you and your life- you wasting years of your life on a man who isn’t worthy of you. The only person you’re hurting in this situation is yourself coz he couldn’t care less.

Francine84 · 10/04/2025 20:37

OP, please invest in some therapy to find out why your self-esteem is so low that you’d tolerate this and subject yourself to a man with so little respect for you.

Dweetfidilove · 10/04/2025 20:37

Every time you think of having sex with him, bash your head into a wall or rub some pepper in your vagina while looking at a picture of him. Hopefully that'll bring you back to your senses, as you're far too into him for FWB type stuff.

Endofyear · 10/04/2025 20:44

I absolutely could not be intimate with any man who has been abusive to women. If you are still attracted to him knowing he's an abusive arsehole who gets off on hurting women, you need to have a long think about why that is. And probably explore that in therapy.

crazeekat · 10/04/2025 20:45

You are continuing to allow a man to abuse women. You are allowing this by continuing to have sex with him. He will do what he gets away with. You are not in control here u never have been. You are allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. You are giving this man all the power. And he has it all. The only way you will ever be in control of him is by going no contact. And sticking to it for the rest of your life. And you are so not ready for that. Good luck with the sex only talk you have convinced yourself about, you already know you are lying to yourself and this man is laughing at you as lie on your back and take it. Find your self respect. Love yourself.

Randomer27 · 10/04/2025 20:46

Dear fucking Lord, what have I just read.

Whatever nonsense it is that you use to justify this to yourself, you really need to stop it.
What makes you think he isn’t lining you up for the same battering as his exes? Do you think they thought like you do, until they learned the hard way not to be so fucking stupid?

They at least have the wit to no longer go near him, and you are so utterly witless that you can write that.

Imagine saying out loud to another man in the future “I like having sex with men who batter women, I put myself in harms way because the sex is great.” Can you hear what an absolute nut case you sound like.

pimplebum · 10/04/2025 20:52

he must be bad if there is an actual investigation !! is it a Legal investigation or workplace ?

arn’t you you concerned for your safety ?

arn’t your concerned about your low standards / self esteem?

MrsDoylesLastTeabag · 10/04/2025 20:55

Is it Russell Brand?!

If not, what have I just read?

Blogswife · 10/04/2025 20:59

How can you sleep with a man who gets off on hurting women ? Get some self respect & have nothing more to do with him - If you can’t do it for yourself do it for all of the other women he’s abused !

JHound · 10/04/2025 21:08

I have been there and I can tell you - you absolutely will not be able to “have sex now and then until I meet somebody else”.

I have done that in the past. Told myself that. Convinced myself I was doing that. I was wrong. I was becoming emotionally invested and entangled with a toxic man.

If I could got back to my early 20s - mids 20s self I would say “Block, Delete, Move On”.

Also while you waste your time with this man you actually won’t mean anybody else as you won’t be emotionally open to meet other men.

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