It is so hard for me to stay away from this cruel sadistic man

[Confusedsue]

Now we have been on and off for a few years now. He is very hot and cold, he has never fully committed to a "proper" relationship with me although after everything I have found out plus his actions I do not want to be in a relationship with him.

I am so attracted to him sexually more than I ever have been with anyone. I just find him so attractive and I love the sex with him. Anyway he recently let me down again and I often feel that he gets off on hurting people. Even though I know how he is it still hurt me. Anyway I have decided to just keep him as just sex now and again when I want it that way I have no expectations and cannot be hurt by him plus I completely realise now that under no circumstances would I want to be in a relationship with him.

To top it off he has recently been exposed as being abusive to many of his exes. There has been rumours in the past but now there is an official investigation against him as many people have come forward.

Apologies for the length. I just wanted to get it off my chest. His recent behaviour towards me really frustrated me and upset me. I will never put myself in that position again. I guess I was just giving him the benefit of the doubt, but now I have fully decided I don't want anymore from him. Just sex now and again until I meet someone else.

I am ready to move on and find someone decent.

So, move on and find someone decent.

You won't be fully emotionally available until you're no longer intimate with him, seeing him etc.

Also most men don't want to get into steady relationships with women who are on fwb situations with other men.

What if Mr abuser gives you some nasty std before you stop having sex with him - and then you have to tell the decent guy, and maybe that guy doesn't want to risk herpes for decades, so he declines to get into a serious relationship with you.

You are right about the addiction btw - it's an oxytocin, chemical and psychological addiction. You keep trying to win with him. You're addicted to the high of attention and validation after the low of being rejected/apparently discarded.

Get out of that cycle.

Nothing will get you out of that cycle other than stopping seeing him having contact with him, and being intimate with him.

A lot of really cruel posts to the OP.

Yes obviously dating a man who treats you badly is not a situation to be desired and yes of course in an ideal world the OP would kick him to the kerb and walk away with head held high.

Lots of reasons make people have poor boundries, poor self esteem and crave bad treatment. Children who were abused by their parents literally crave the comfort of the familiar treatment and seek it out.

Obviously it's a pattern you want to stop and I don't know how you do it. Therapy I guess which is expensive and costs alot. It's not a quick fix and can take years and be very expensive.

All I'm saying is you can point out the problem and be more kind in your support and suggestions. A person addicted to cruel behaviour has probably been brainwashed to expect it and being mocked on mumsnet is probably not going to help the OP.

The irony is a bit much. Don't take the cruel treatment from this man but here lets all give you a kicking on mumsnet

The thing is op, YOU and only YOU are responsible for the choices you make. You say he is cruel, abusive and awful but yet you are willingly making the choice to keep going to him. What does that say about you.
you need a clean break, but then again it’s only something you can do.

Most of the replies have been advising her to move on, he is nothing but trouble.
The OP did ask for advice, but if she comes back defending her actions, when deep down she knows he is nothing but trouble, for her and every other woman who gets hooked up with him, it's obvious she is either on a wind up or she will just ignore the well meaning advice she has been given.

Get help. If you let one man do this to you, you are vulnerable to others doing the same. Work on your self esteem and personal boundaries.

Thanks for all the comments. No I will not tolerate this from other men. This has definitely been a learning experience which will inform me to make better decisions in future.

Hmmm.

Do you maybe have some issue where you crave validation and that’s what’s driving your intense attraction to him? Because he is awful to you you crave his approval through sex?

@springbringshope
I have no idea what it is. All very strange. No idea why I crave him so much and so attracted to him, physically and sexually.

@springbringshope
No I don't usually crave validation from anyone. I usually couldn't care less.

You're too invested for a no-strings sex arrangement with this man. You won't be able to stop yourself from having expectations.

This

I definitely won't have expectations from him. I do not want to be with him. These new revelations of him confirmed it for me.