It is so hard for me to stay away from this cruel sadistic man

[Confusedsue]

Now we have been on and off for a few years now. He is very hot and cold, he has never fully committed to a "proper" relationship with me although after everything I have found out plus his actions I do not want to be in a relationship with him.

I am so attracted to him sexually more than I ever have been with anyone. I just find him so attractive and I love the sex with him. Anyway he recently let me down again and I often feel that he gets off on hurting people. Even though I know how he is it still hurt me. Anyway I have decided to just keep him as just sex now and again when I want it that way I have no expectations and cannot be hurt by him plus I completely realise now that under no circumstances would I want to be in a relationship with him.

To top it off he has recently been exposed as being abusive to many of his exes. There has been rumours in the past but now there is an official investigation against him as many people have come forward.

Apologies for the length. I just wanted to get it off my chest. His recent behaviour towards me really frustrated me and upset me. I will never put myself in that position again. I guess I was just giving him the benefit of the doubt, but now I have fully decided I don't want anymore from him. Just sex now and again until I meet someone else.

Your self esteem must be at rock bottom if you would lower your self to be intimate with a man that despises you.

Nope, it doesn't work like that.
You already have had feelings.
You will get them again.
But aside from all that, this man sounds like an absolute scumbag.
You need to get rid.

Yup.

Oxytocin.

The sex only seems good cause it's a relief, gratification, validation, high etc. after being rejected and messed about. After being made anxious and sad.

It's the high and the validation after the low and the rejection/possible rejection.

You desperately want him to validate you. That's why you get such a high/fix from it.

JFC - it’s like those women who work in a prison who have sex with murders and rapists.

You know this bloke is an abusive cunt but as long as you’re getting his golden cock you couldn’t give a shit that he despises women, including you.

I echo what pp say that you seriously need therapy to understand why your bar is in the gutter and you’re so desperate for a scum bags dick.

Sorry I know I probably have brain fog with this man but why do you think he despises me? Do you think he despises all women?

Hi OP
I could be totally off the mark here but did you have a dad that didn't love you/treated you offhand by any chance?

I'm old now and don't do relationships anymore but noted something in my own patterns

I had quite a few relationships with nice, kind, patient, genuine men who loved me. They treated me really well and were reasonably or very successful in their careers. Others would have perceived them as a 'catch'.
Not once did I develop any feelings for them. I married one of them because I knew he was good husband material so I let my head rule my heart but I don't think I ever loved him.

Then later on in life I dated a man who said all the right things but was selfish and lazy in the relationship. We did get on but he did what he wanted, when he wanted. He never put himself out for me and only did things when it suited him. His actions definately did not match his words. He was not a cruel person and could be very charming and funny but he was just very single minded about achieving his own goals. Anyhow the point I am making was he certainly did not love me (although he said he did) and I definately felt like not a priority and was always trying to win his attention, love etc. Many years later I realised this man who I had insanely strong feelings for did to me, exactly what my dad did. Made me feel unloved, unwanted, not important. I'm sure there is a connection. Sort of like I was trying to fix childhood hurts through this new relationship.

Happened again with another guy who was really moody, I think depressed and sarcastic and a bit verbally cruel and shut off. Again I fell head over heels for him and yes felt addicted and/or head over heels in love. Later on I realised this man had been very like my dad had been (also moody, depressed and although not cruel and enabler of my mums abuse).

I'm sure there is a theory that if your dad loves you and treats you well, then you expect your partners to do this and will fall in love with them.

If your dad didn't you will forever by trying to fix those wounds by reliving it through relationships in your adult life.

All and all a bit of a disaster because men who love me and treat me well, I have no feelings for. I can act the part but there is nothing there really. Men who treat me like my dad I seem to become desperate to make them love me.
So I gave up on relationships. Maybe in my next life.

Anyway just a theory.

It is your choice, you are deliberately choosing to make bad ones that is on you not him

I can't believe people have to say this but work on your self respect before getting involved again

I often wonder why so many women are in such shit relationships Raise the bar. Don’t accept his crap in your life.

my adult daughter is in a new relationship with a lovely guy, he treats her well , speaks kindly to her and makes her happy, but some of her friends are so suspicious and say a man cannot be that nice . Some men are kind. Why do girls like a bad boy and accept shit relationships?

FFS, get some self respect and walk away. Unless you want to see how a punch in the face feels.

You need help with your self esteem. Hope you get some.

My self esteem is honestly fine so people don't need to keep saying that. I understand that I am caught up on this no good man and it is like some sort of addiction. I think I am just waiting for someone else to take my mind of him - someone I am equally attracted to.

There is actually someone I have in mind and my gosh they have got to be a better person than him. Part of me is actually greatful as I know I will truly appreciate the next man after this no good man.

I understand I can be single for a while but I am ready to date again after a long term relationship this is the man I met but I am ready to move on and find someone decent.

With respect OP, you need to seek some therapy and read up on the ‘shark cage’ theory. Block, delete and ghost this toxic trash bag.

Your self esteem is absolutely not fine if the only way you can get your mind off him is with another man. Real esteem is found by bring happy within yourself not validating your self worth jumping from one bloke to the next.

No one with good self esteem would touch a known abuser with a 20 foot pole - don’t demean yourself with delusion.

And of course an abuser hates women - that’s in their DNA.

You accept the love you feel you deserve.

I don’t know you, but I know that you deserve better- nobody deserves that.

He despises women in general and he gets a kick of humiliating them. You repeatedly humiliate yourself by crawling back to him for sex every time. You are essentially making into victim, willingly, and he laughing at you. He literally just wants to see how much he bring you down before he discards you.

Your self-esteem is not fine. You are deluded. If you had self-esteem you wouldn’t be pining after an abuser who hates you. You’re almost romanticising your own victimhood.

Exactly !

How can you find this vile man appealing knowing he has abused other women?
If you continue with him i would keep it to yourself as people are going to get bored fairly quickly listening to your woes.
Surely you can do better than this.

You are a fool. A slave to an abusive man. Just … think

taps sign

Stop being a bloody doormat, and block him.

Now listen here, lady. Take your brain out of your knickers and put it back in your skull, where it belongs.

I'm not sure if you are being disingenuous now. It's quite obvious that a serial abuser hates women. You even asking that feels like you are minimising his past victims

It's also extremely destructive behaviour to stay sleeping with an abuser "until you find someone else you are equally attracted to."

That simply does not speak to a good, healthy self esteem.

A man who abuses women is a man who despises women. Assuming you're a woman, that means he despises you.

He is a risk to your psychological and physical health. He is a risk to other women. If you have children, he's a risk to them and to your continued custody of them.

No penis is worth those risks. Get a vibrator and therapy. You'll be happier in the longer term.

You need to give up the sex. He is dangerous and could harm you. Why don't you go forward too and report him for abuse Like others are doing

Watch 're documentary on Andrew Tate and ask yourself do you even want to be in bed with someone like that

There is someone you "have in mind"? While you're obsessing over this other loser? Your love life is a total car crash! I pity the other person you "have in mind".