To want to estrange myself from sister once my Mum dies?

[twoshoes86]

Really hoping I could get some sensible views on my situation. I am one of three siblings, my brother lives overseas so it is me and my remaining sister in the UK.

My Mum has had cancer for three years and in the past six months she has been in and out of hospital with various life threatening conditions. She is now in the final stages of her life and her wish was to be at home, with my Dad, and we have carers, nurses etc.

I have never had a good relationship with my sister. She rarely contacts me, takes no interest in my life or her niece and nephew, is rude and has done very little to support my parents over the years, it's always been on me and I have tried to maintain the relationship for the sake of family unity and not upsetting anyone.

In the last six months I have spent hours, days and weeks caring for my Mum. Attending appointments, paperwork, carers plus supporting my Dad and dealing with his rudeness to doctors (think Trump anti vaxxer) in order to access the right care for my Mum. I've taken time off work, left my own children with my husband who's had to take time off, lost over three stone due to stress, and spent hours driving to and fro. My sister has shown up occasionally to 'visit' my Mum in hospital for an hour in the evening and that's about it. A month ago my husband arranged a call to explain the situation to my sister and brother in law that I need more support. They said the right things then asked for practical ways they could help. I made two requests which were to sit at the hospital and then to take time out of work to care for my Mum at home - they gave conditional offers and then didn't follow through on anything.

My mum is now at home and my Dad organised a Google sheet to arrange a schedule to support him work caring for my Mum or take a day/shift. My sister has done two days and refuses to fill in the sheet (part of her power in continuing her own life as normal). My husband has also called them again to explain the mental and physical impact of all this on me. They live a 20 minute drive from my parents and have the other set of grandparents available for childcare. We are an hour away and have no family support (father in law has terminal illness). I refuse to engage in some sort of EastEnders drama about all this but my Mum will pass away in the next few weeks, there will be the funeral and then I never want to see them again - it's been such an additional source of stress in a challenging time. My family life has been turned upside down and they've continued as normal. They clearly do not care about me or my family, let alone my Mum. I don't buy into this blood is thicker than water thing. I don't enjoy their company and I wish to just quietly withdraw from any interaction with them in future.

AIBU?

Blood isn't thicker than water, that is said by people who don't have shit relatives. Do what is right for you. Be kind to yourself.

My situation is very different from yours but I plan to have no further contact with my sister after my mum dies, I’m happy with that decision.

Op my friend did this. They never got on. You have do whats right for you. Families a nightmare at times

If your sister rarely contacts you and shows no interest it should be straightforward to phase her out. Just do what needs to be done practically re the funeral etc and then match her energy. I’m very sorry for the situation you are in.

I cared for both parents. Daddy had Parkinsons & dementia, mum developed cancer. I lived within 10 minute's walk from them & visited every day to help put daddy to bed, drove mum to her radiotherapy, drove home to sit with daddy, drove back to collect her etc even though I worked full time & had to make my hours up by working early/late. My brother lived about 40 miles away. He would visit about every 6-8 weeks. He would phone parents when he felt like it & refused to speak to daddy because it was such an effort. It was me who got phone calls to help when daddy had (frequent) falls, me who left shopping at the end of their garden during lockdown.

When they died all I got was criticism & accusations from brother. He said that I'd stolen items from the house that they had given me as thank-you's for my help & items that had never been there in the first place (they down-sized & got rid of a lot of stuff when they moved), that I neglected them as the house was dirty - he said that I should've cleaned for them. I tried my best & would inspect the fridge for out-of date food, clean the kitchen & bathrooms. But mum would get upset & see my attempts as me interfering & an implied criticism of her housekeeping.

He was 'difficult' to say the least when dealing with the sale of their house and, as a consequence, the sale took much longer than it should have done.

I no longer have anything to do with him.

I'm a step further along. Mum has recently died and most of the responsibility for her funeral and the associated admin has been left to me. My younger brother has been awful over the last few years and after mum died, he's left it nearly all to me. Unfortunately we are joint executors of her estate. When that's sorted, I won't be in a rush to keep in touch with him

Sorry to hear about your loss. sending you hugs.

Blood is thicker than water

Said by those very shit relatives themselves when complaining that you won't dance to their tune....but as shown to you OP means jack shit when it's the other way round.

I'm NC with my sibling have been for around 20 years now...no loss here.
Just got to a state in life where I was sick of them wanting/having such a big say in my life yet contributing so little to it.
All take..

Just stop all communication with her, it's not as though she's going to be calling up your DH expecting him to be a go between.
You just have to do what you mean to do and cut contact, and stick to it.

Will your DF start on you if you stop speaking to her?

Sorry to hear about your Mum. It sounds like she has yourself and your dad to look after her, I can imagine it's very difficult but try not to let your sister's behaviour cloud the reason you're doing what you are doing.

YANBU.

DB has always been a pain in the arse. Drifts through life doing his own thing and blaming everyone else when it doesn't work out.

His behaviour was disgusting around the time DM passed away. He contributed nothing financially or planning wise to her funeral. He's continually made things harder for himself in his own life since and expected others to bail him out.

I've had to distance myself from him for my own sanity. I only hear from him when he wants something now. Other than that I doubt he even notices.

I know loads of people who have no relationship with blood relatives because they’re all just different people and they don’t get on.

I think you’re fully justified in drawing that line now. Yes you still have to have dealings with her while your mother is alive, but that doesn’t mean you have to be anything other than civil and perfunctory. Treat her like a stranger and don’t dwell a single second more on the rights of wrongs of it. She doesn’t care about you. She is not sisterly. Let her go and be kind to yourself.

When my MIL died DH & his (middle) brother (lives abroad) got 3 pages of A4 letters telling them that he, as the oldest, was now the Head of the Family (WTF?!). DH looked after her, arranged for her supported flat, found her a lovely care home when she couldn't live alone, yet, when she died, oldest brother swooped in & cleared the lot. My MIL was a very talented artist - he has all her paintings which, apparently (according to oldest Bro) are in his attic. DH has on many occasions asked for a couple of them to pass on to his children, but, it seems that is not going to happen.

When my mother was dying my retired sister, who lives on the same fucking street, was MIA most of the time. I, working full time, was the person who got up in the night with any problems, spent all my time over there, took time off work, etc etc etc. Sister was very present after mum died looking for handouts. It changed our relationship immeasurably - my sister has always been a lazy bully whose way of managing her own feelings of inadequacy has been to lash out at me. The day my mother died I told her what I thought of her and her behaviour and that we were pretty much finished. I have seen her a handful of times since. Its been very freeing.

I am sorry you are going through this. I remember the feeling of not knowing how I was going to keep putting one foot in front of another. Hugs to you.

I’m so sorry this is happening. Illness and death bring out the worst in people and it’s rotten that you are shouldering all the stress when you have siblings who could help. I would have no qualms in not dealing with them afterwards. It sounds like it’ll be a calmer life without them. Take care

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable; in fact it seems like it might happen anyway if she makes very little effort. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, I’d just let the relationship wither on the vine.

We did this, mil died at Christmas.
My SIL (mils daughter) made everything about herself. me and DH were the ones who looked after MIL, had her at home with us, took her to appointments, got her in the hospice & sat with her every day as well as doing all the paperwork, estate, clearing the house afterwards. SIL turned up for a week claimed she couldn’t get time off work and then went mental at us once MIL passed away saying we didn’t do enough…. Best thing we ever did was going no contact.

YANBU to be utterly fed up of this useless pair. Or perhaps to quietly see a lot less of them after your Mum dies. However you still have a joint and alive father so there may well be some occasions that call for you to suck it up and spend time with them and said father. Then when he’s gone, you need never see them again.

Situations like this make me so happy to be an only child….

Of my friendship circle, all whose parents have needed care have found that it’s always the female older sibling whose expected to step up to the plate - irrespective of personal circumstances/location/fairness.

In all of these cases (4 of them) there is a profound lack of gratitude and only criticism that they are not doing care properly/enough and in one case being a royal PITA post bereavement about funerals/probate.

Unsurprisingly every single one has either gone no contact after their parent died or intends to do so.

So no, YANBU and sadly not alone in this situation.

Rather than do a rota, your father should have got in outside help. People have every right to put their own immediate family first.
Hell would freeze over before I let my adult children care for me. I have already had that discussion with them. I would not want them to run themselves ragged. I would not want my grandchildren to be neglected.
Perhaps your sister doesn’t feel it is her job. You have no right to make her become a carer regardless of what you decide to do.

YANBU OP. I’ve already told DM that once she passes I will go no contact once and for all with my brother.

I am one of 6 siblings. He lives directly across the street from DM whilst the rest of us range between 20mins - 3 hours away. Despite being the closest by far he is absolutely useless and would never dream of helping out. He’s just not a pleasant or nice person in general and I have no need for him in my life.

@BreadInCaptivity I am also an only child.

When my DF died I found it very hard and for the first time in my life wished I had siblings so the burden could be shared.

I quickly realised how naive I had been when my FIL died, watching DH and his siblings basically disagree about everything. And they were pretty good compared to the examples above.

OP there are loads of siblings out there who are only in touch while their parents are alive. Please be free to do what you need for yourself.

Agree completely with this. If you are burnt out then outside help needs sorting. Your sister is clear that she doesnt wish to help. I understand that this is verybtough for you but whatever her reasons are, they are valid. What would you do if you were an only child?

YANBU OP. I’m in a similar situation myself. My sister is younger and it’s been very much a take take relationship. Once she got married she basically turned into a different person and not wanting to know me. She also became critical of my appearance and would also comment on my short height in front of others despite having never done so before and in fact was previously always making comments about how people need to be kinder in the world. Her DH was a lovely guy who I got on with better than my sister. Anyway, I had to deal with a lot of issues to do with parents alone as well as other distressing things. And despite as the older sister being there for her always it hurt how cold she became as soon as she no longer needed me (I helped singly with arranging her wedding as she had no friends to support). If I reached out she’d leave me unread for hours or days and once even told me to call counselling g services when I suggested more regular contact. So yeah, once my parents pass, I’ll be cutting contact as don’t want to burden someone’s life with my presence when they clearly have discarded you.

This is indeed a very sad situation. I don't think anyone could blame you if you went low/no contact after all this is over. One of the most heartbreaking things is finding when you are at your most vulnerable and exhausted - such as when helping to care for a dying parent and dealing with the aftermath - that a sibling does not step up, or worse, makes things more difficult.

It's one of those moments when latent cracks in family dynamics, some of which stem from childhood, really come to the fore.

You are doing this for your parents. Try to keep that in mind. It is a wonderful thing you are doing for them both. You cannot make your sister a better person.

You can obviously do what you want in regard to your sister. But although it is very hard not to do so you are judging her based on what you are choosing to do. She hasn't, and doesn't have to, make the same choices as you. As another poster said your dad should have got professional care in not just rely on working adults with their own families. I say this as someone whose father died from cancer and mother has numerous health issues. It is horrible but you cannot dictate what someone else is prepared to do. You also need to look after yourself. Contact the doctor and get some carers in to support you all.

It was always a bone of contention that my brother and his wife cared little for our parents, but especially for our lovely DM. Over the years my SIL has said vile things to my DM. They saw them more frequently when our DP owned a very nice timeshare package and nice free holidays were on offer. B behaved surprisingly helpfully when DM reached end stages of cancer, I was pleasantly surprised. However, once she was moved to a beautiful nursing home, for however many days or weeks she had left (we didn't know at that stage), he then detached himself. He then announced in his typically pompous way, he did not "intend to see DM again until the end." I said gently, we saw her every day, as many times as possible and wouldn't miss these times together as the end was near. He's apparently told DF that I bellowed at him about this, which is 100% untrue. He then fell out with DF. I'm sure there are two sides to this so I kept out of it.

After the funeral and eventual interment of DN's ashes, I didn't take his calls. I have no idea why he wanted to speak to me but I wasn't prepared to speak to him until I'd got over or processed the recent goings on etc so I blocked him. He called me one day from a withheld number and foolishly I answered, he roared at me and I eventually hung up and we have never spoken since, five years on.

I have to say, I couldn't give a flying wotsit that we are no longer in touch. He's a selfish, horrible, pompous git, his wife is a vile thing and I'm happy to live out my days without any further contact.