To want to estrange myself from sister once my Mum dies?

[twoshoes86]

Really hoping I could get some sensible views on my situation. I am one of three siblings, my brother lives overseas so it is me and my remaining sister in the UK.

My Mum has had cancer for three years and in the past six months she has been in and out of hospital with various life threatening conditions. She is now in the final stages of her life and her wish was to be at home, with my Dad, and we have carers, nurses etc.

I have never had a good relationship with my sister. She rarely contacts me, takes no interest in my life or her niece and nephew, is rude and has done very little to support my parents over the years, it's always been on me and I have tried to maintain the relationship for the sake of family unity and not upsetting anyone.

In the last six months I have spent hours, days and weeks caring for my Mum. Attending appointments, paperwork, carers plus supporting my Dad and dealing with his rudeness to doctors (think Trump anti vaxxer) in order to access the right care for my Mum. I've taken time off work, left my own children with my husband who's had to take time off, lost over three stone due to stress, and spent hours driving to and fro. My sister has shown up occasionally to 'visit' my Mum in hospital for an hour in the evening and that's about it. A month ago my husband arranged a call to explain the situation to my sister and brother in law that I need more support. They said the right things then asked for practical ways they could help. I made two requests which were to sit at the hospital and then to take time out of work to care for my Mum at home - they gave conditional offers and then didn't follow through on anything.

My mum is now at home and my Dad organised a Google sheet to arrange a schedule to support him work caring for my Mum or take a day/shift. My sister has done two days and refuses to fill in the sheet (part of her power in continuing her own life as normal). My husband has also called them again to explain the mental and physical impact of all this on me. They live a 20 minute drive from my parents and have the other set of grandparents available for childcare. We are an hour away and have no family support (father in law has terminal illness). I refuse to engage in some sort of EastEnders drama about all this but my Mum will pass away in the next few weeks, there will be the funeral and then I never want to see them again - it's been such an additional source of stress in a challenging time. My family life has been turned upside down and they've continued as normal. They clearly do not care about me or my family, let alone my Mum. I don't buy into this blood is thicker than water thing. I don't enjoy their company and I wish to just quietly withdraw from any interaction with them in future.

AIBU?

To be fair if your dad is a trump supporting anti vaxxer who is rude to doctors then she is perhaps distancing herself for a reason. They don’t sound very nice.

Only have people in your life who bring something to the table otherwise what’s the point?

I have no contact with my brother. My mother and I talked about it before she died and she knew that I would not bother with him after she died, she agreed with me

My life is very stress free now. It's a shame, but his wife caused me and my DM so much grief.

Just because someone is a blood relative, it doesn't mean you have to like or want to see them. It's a myth that siblings all get on and are loving/supportive of each other. In most families that can be said to be true, but not in all. You must do what you feel is best long-term, for you and your own family. If that means having no contact with your sister, then so be it. The likelihood is that you will also end up having to support your Dad, through your Mum's death (when it comes) and your sister will take no responsibility going forward. I'm sure once your Dad passes through, she'll be quick enough to the Will reading. A friend of my husband has zero to do with his brother and hasn't done for years. He's been involved in drugs and in prison and occasionally comes out the woodwork, when he thinks there might be something in it for him. You won't be the only person in the world who has decided to go no contact with a sibling.

There's no reason to cut off all contact - that in itself may cause you stress - but IME it's very easy to just drift away and barely see siblings. The peace of mind is wonderful. I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP.

I agree you don't have to announce you are going no contact, you can just quietly not initiate it. Since your Dad will still be there, that might be best.

By the sounds of it losing contact with your siblings won't need to be a conscious decision. It's going to happen as they make no effort anyway.

Its really unfair of your sister, just make sure she doesn't rewrite your family history to suit her though.

I’m not in quite the same boat as you but I deeply sympathise. I cannot stand my sister and will have nothing to do with her when my DM dies. Hopefully I will never see her again. You aren’t alone

Yes, she is self-centered and will never put anyone before herself.
It will be a relief for you.
I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Well done on looking after her throughout the illness.

Different circumstances I am already nc with dsis not sure if there will be any contact when dm dies but when she does i will be totally nc with dsis

I feel sad for dm as I would be heartbroken if my dc were nc and not supporting each other after I have gone but what my dsis has done is unforgivable for me dh and our adult dc

I think that works very well in theory and there is a lot of truth in what you say, the dad may be making this situation harder than it needs to be, and the op should set better boundaries. But how can she do that if there is literally no one else stepping up?

At the same time, professional care isn’t always as great a solution as it is sometimes made out to be. Yes it helps a lot, but it can be unreliable, and it can be poor quality or lacking in compassion, and the elderly person concerned can be distressed by lots of different faces. And that’s if you can afford professional care, or qualify for it, in the first place,

In these circumstances though, maybe paid care isn’t always better than two reluctant siblings who don’t want to be there.

Edited!

So sorry for what you are going through.
One thing I have learned is that you will never regret the time you have spent caring for your mum. Be very, very proud of what you have done for her.
You have every right to be angry with your sister. When your mum is no longer with you, deal with the formalities you need to, and feel no guilt about letting your sister go.
However, if you feel angry/resentful around her in the future, try and access some counselling. You don’t want to waste your one precious life feeling hurt about what she did or didn’t do.

No. YANBU.

You will probably find, that once your Mother passes, they will behave in a manor that leaves you in absolutely no doubt whatsoever, that you should cut them off.

You can't make someone a carer who doesn't want to be. This is her right and her choice!

Sorry about your mum OP

YANBU at all. You are doing a great thing supporting your mum at the end of her life. You don't owe your sister anything.

Hmmm I think YABU.
You sound as if you lack boundaries and are martyring yourself here so that your DS is in the " wrong"
You cannot demand people to fill in a sheet or take time off work .

Dad was second of our parents to die, in 2022. After Dad's funeral, my younger brother (with whom I am very close) have had almost no contact with our other brother - who has still not been in touch to ask how my younger brother is after I informed him YB had been rushed to hospital after a stroke almost two years ago...

I don't think your sister has done anything wrong.
I can understand how you feel about being put upon ( also a carer ) but your father should have sought professional help instead of putting so much pressure on you.
I don't think it's wrong to cut your sister off either, tbh it sounds like she's decided long ago to be low contact so it's doubtful she will be bothered and hopefully you will feel lightened.

I am sorry about your mother's circumstances, I hope the end and the funeral are peaceful at least.

I could have written your post. I doubt we will stay in touch once our parents are gone.

I’m so sorry for what’s happened to you. I could also have written this post sadly. I looked after both DPs over years of terrible, torturous, painfully declining health conditions and almost killed myself in the process. I asked DB who lives abroad, but has 4-6 far travelled holidays a year, if he could cover me for one week to let me and my family have our first break abroad in years. He wouldn’t do it and his crazy DW screamed at me for asking. I’m done with them now.

with kindness everyone deals with things differently, and not everyone is up to caring.

its highly likely that I won’t care for my mother if she needs it, although one sister can’t due to disability, the other is also unlikely to, so she will go to a care home and she is aware of that

But I do all the running round now as the sister who can often won’t and leaves it to me, but I wouldn’t stop seeing her when something happens, it’s just how it is

I am the OP. Thanks for all the comments here. I do acknowledge that the role of a 'carer' is not one that everyone wants to take on. We do have paid carers four times per day - the nature of my Mum's illness means she needs someone there 24/7 as she is paralysed, plus in the final weeks of her life. It's also about being the emotional support for my Dad.

I think what is interesting is that regardless of people choosing not to care for their relatives etc, it is actually the ground work and time involved in even accessing care for people. Anyone who has spent a significant time in hospital with loved ones will understand that essentially you have to be there to advocate for them and navigate the system. Which I have been doing alone. Even in order to organise the right package of care has taken weeks, management of prescriptions, organisation of equipment, OT assessments etc. None of that can really be outsourced, unless you just allow a sick relative to remain in hospital and expect the hospital to discharge them into a care home without any family input - in which case, good luck with that!

It's really reassuring to hear people commenting who are in a similar position and I have to hold on to the fact that I am doing the right thing. It is frustrating to hear things this week like isn't it great that [insert my sister's name] has come to support (for one day!!!!!)

Also, the comments about drifting are where I am at. I won't invite any drama into my life - it's all just a lot to try to get them to engage (when they say they care/want to help) in addition to supporting a dying parent.

You’ve been through and are going through an unimaginably tough time. Speak to the district nurses and macmillan nurses to see what more support you can get. They sometimes can provide overnight respite carers who sit with your mum for 2 ish nights a week depending on where you live. I wouldn’t discuss any grievances with your sister now or in the aftermath as she will also be grieving (even though you may not see it). I would write down how you are feeling to help you process all your thoughts and feelings, which will change each day- maybe even each hour!. You don’t have to cut off your sister, and a decision like that shouldn’t be made whilst you are grieving anyway. For now, just have as much contact as you feel comfortable.

Sorry to read of all that you are going through. Nothing unreasonable in what you plan to do, and from what you say, I think your sister might intend to reduce or end contact too.

It’s a shame that your parents have chosen to try and force their children into carer roles, you need to do only as much as you feel you can, and your sister should do the same.

It sounds like your sister may well be preparing to distance herself from your difficult, Trump supporting, anti vaxxer father anyway, and even less contact with you will be a by-product of that.

So at least there will be no drama there, you can both just quietly drift apart.