To want to estrange myself from sister once my Mum dies?

[twoshoes86]

Really hoping I could get some sensible views on my situation. I am one of three siblings, my brother lives overseas so it is me and my remaining sister in the UK.

My Mum has had cancer for three years and in the past six months she has been in and out of hospital with various life threatening conditions. She is now in the final stages of her life and her wish was to be at home, with my Dad, and we have carers, nurses etc.

I have never had a good relationship with my sister. She rarely contacts me, takes no interest in my life or her niece and nephew, is rude and has done very little to support my parents over the years, it's always been on me and I have tried to maintain the relationship for the sake of family unity and not upsetting anyone.

In the last six months I have spent hours, days and weeks caring for my Mum. Attending appointments, paperwork, carers plus supporting my Dad and dealing with his rudeness to doctors (think Trump anti vaxxer) in order to access the right care for my Mum. I've taken time off work, left my own children with my husband who's had to take time off, lost over three stone due to stress, and spent hours driving to and fro. My sister has shown up occasionally to 'visit' my Mum in hospital for an hour in the evening and that's about it. A month ago my husband arranged a call to explain the situation to my sister and brother in law that I need more support. They said the right things then asked for practical ways they could help. I made two requests which were to sit at the hospital and then to take time out of work to care for my Mum at home - they gave conditional offers and then didn't follow through on anything.

My mum is now at home and my Dad organised a Google sheet to arrange a schedule to support him work caring for my Mum or take a day/shift. My sister has done two days and refuses to fill in the sheet (part of her power in continuing her own life as normal). My husband has also called them again to explain the mental and physical impact of all this on me. They live a 20 minute drive from my parents and have the other set of grandparents available for childcare. We are an hour away and have no family support (father in law has terminal illness). I refuse to engage in some sort of EastEnders drama about all this but my Mum will pass away in the next few weeks, there will be the funeral and then I never want to see them again - it's been such an additional source of stress in a challenging time. My family life has been turned upside down and they've continued as normal. They clearly do not care about me or my family, let alone my Mum. I don't buy into this blood is thicker than water thing. I don't enjoy their company and I wish to just quietly withdraw from any interaction with them in future.

AIBU?

I think that's fair enough absolutely. I think it's pretty common to quietly cease contact once a parent dies. No need to be dramatic, just stop contact.

Dh plans to do that once his remaining parent dies, he has a very limited relationship with his sibling anyway. Although he does say he will remain on reasonable terms wait until probate has gone through..

In the 35 years since I left home my sister has visited me twice.
I have visited my parents in the same town she lives once a month in all of that time.
Seeing her if she 'was not too busy'.
Once my father passes I plan never to see my sister again.

My dad is unpleasant but my brother absolutely chose to martyr himself and break my mother in the process by refusing to let a hospice do the heavy lifting.
My brother is certainly not you, he was a performative rather than practical carer and I refused to pick up the practical side. They were forced to buy in amazing professional help. My brother just wanted to maximise inheritance and get his feet under the table because a relationship was coming to an end.
It was a massive cluster fuck of egos and stupidity. My in-laws are also a bunch of emotionally fuck wits. I was sat there the other day wondering what I had done to deserve them. We will not be reaching out once key senior players are wrapped. I think as we get older this is not a reflection or failure of us and we can agree there are no standard families.

@twoshoes86 , you could be telling my story with my parents except for me it was my brother who abdicated any responsibility. He proved beyond any doubt how little my parents or me and my family mattered to him. Walk away, don’t look back, live your life with people around you who genuinely care for you.
Forget about your dreadful sister for now and turn your attention to your dear mum while you can. Sending you hugs.