To not host anymore?

[MrsBackfire]

I’ve recently got a new job which means I now work FT hours. I was a SAHM for a long while, then I went PT (3days) and now I work 35 hours a week. They are often unsociable hours too, including weekends. There are no childcare issues as DC all teens.

In the past DH and I have been expected to do most of the family entertaining at our house including relatives staying over or coming for lunch and us hosting most Easter’s, Christmas etc. I felt obliged since I was a SAHM, and everyone was working or retired, but dropped it back when I was working PT.

Now I’m working FT and I still have to deal with house, kids, chores, and I want some me time. I’m just NOT prepared to “host” any more. I’m not spending my precious time shopping, cooking and cleaning up after extended family, nor am I prepared to drive hours to see them on sometimes my one day off.

I know that sounds really mean, but the back story is that my in-laws have never once helped with our DC and one of my own parents remarried and spent all their time with their DSC and DSGC and doesn’t even know my DC very well.

10% of me feels a bit guilty, and a bit self indulged. DH is a bit hurt (he’s getting grief from his parents about lack of contact with our family) but I feel like I don’t owe anyone anything. I’m very happy to meet in a restaurant or cafe, but I’m not hosting. DH helps, but I end up doing it.

I’m bringing this up now as I said I’m not hosting Easter as E Sunday is the only day off in a big stretch of work days and I’m not spending it cooking.

AIBU? I feel selfish, but this work is all at my expense.

No YANBU.

I agree 100%

Good for you, don't be swayed. Stick to your guns.

Anyone moaning - remind them they can always host?? Yeah thought not

Nope. Nopity nope nope. I’ve not hosted family Christmas since I had kids- my mum wouldn’t let me anyway and I’m not doing it for in laws. I work ft with 3 young dc and barely manage Christmas and bringing the things we have to. No one else in dh’s family has two ft parents and 3 young dc, I’ll let them host. Which means it will be at the pil or oldest bil every year as sil seems to veto both hosting and also traveling to other bil. They can pressure her to host if they want, won’t be me.

Good for you and if anyone moans just say why don’t you host?

If your DH is unhappy then just advise him he can do it if he wishes, so the cleaning cooking etc etc and you won’t be helping, and don’t let him find out just what hard work it is

Definitely YANBU. You’ve done your bit. If no one wants to take over, so be it. Enjoy your time off.

Why isn't your husband doing it?

If DH is hurt he can do it.

100% on your side.

I used to host all the family gatherings. It got more difficult as our families got bigger. Tension between brother in laws brought it to a head. I let everyone know that I wasn't willing to do it anymore. We then hired a local hall and each brought food. That worked well in my opinion ,kids could run around etc. There was dissent though and after the enforced gathering bans during COVID those that had been irritated at my refusal to host decided they didn't want to do the hall meets.

Tell DH loudly and clearly that if he wants his folks there he’s shopping, cleaning, cooking and tidying up afterwards. Does he want to do that? Probably not. So any guilt tripping he’s doing stops right now.

Just say I’ve got one day off and I’m not spending it cooking and clearing up, but we’re happy to meet up at x place. Their choice how to respond to that.

Yanbu

good for you! Enjoy your well deserved day off

Definitely YANBU, it's someone else's turn to host or go to a restaurant, beware of the trap of family expecting you to pay of you suggest it though, so make sure that gets knocked on the head from the off!

Agree! Dh is a bit hurt is he? nothing stopping his family hosting everyone is there and him travelling to see them is there?

YANBU, it's someone else's turn now. Full time work has been a good enough reason up till now for others to duck out of hosting so there's no reason it should be expected of you. "I know that sounds really mean" - it doesn't sound mean in the slightest. Are you a people pleaser?

I wouldn't dream of doing it.

You do realise that just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you are the family lacky?

You sound like a doormat that is probably peri menopausal and is starting to find her backbone.

Go with it.
Don't get into any discussion anout it.

"I did more than my bit for years, I'm done. I won't discuss it further".

As for family that haven't bothered with you or your children?
Are you mad to give them any thought.

If DH wants to see his parents, he can arrange to do so either by taking them out or by doing absolutely all the hosting with a clear acknowledgement that you will be out of the house in the run up to it and will merely pop in at the meal out of politeness

Sorry to see you are feeling a bit hurt and unloved by your parents and in-laws. You can't change them but you can change your reaction and if you are feeling resentful, then what you need to do is step back from hosting because your parents and in laws will not change

Hurt is he? Maybe if he’d spent the last many years pitching the fuck in rather than “helping” you wouldn’t have got so tired of it. Cheeky git.

YANBU.

I’ve just knocked back a request from a family to stay. Last time it was disruptive, they stayed longer than they planned, it cost me a lot more than I wanted. They’re lovely, but it was a no.

I heard a great quote once, ‘preserve my tranquility’. I’m not a tranquil person at all, but I like to give it a try every now and then!

Also, yes to the ‘well you do it then’ brigade.

YANBU to not spend your day off running round after other people. However if you want to keep some family relationships then compromise will need to be made. Plan when you could meet up and suggest a pub or similar. But also do explain to people, don't expect them to guess. 'Hi hoping we can meet at X pub on X or X dates. I'm short of time off with my new working pattern so hoping one of these dates will work for you.' or similar type text.

We had to make a shift from being the default hosting house for my DH's side of the family. Once his dad died, and our DC were teens, I no longer wanted to host his brother and sister every Christmas, especially as they never help nor bring any contributions. I explained that our lives had moved on too, so we'd either be coming to them or meeting for pre Christmas day lunch at a pub. Funnily enough, neither of them stepped up to host so now we just do Christmas eve pub lunch, and they've had to adjust to that. It takes a while for people to adapt, but stick to your guns.

I would do the same if I was in your position. And I wouldn't trust it if DH does offer to host. If he hasn't "helped" in the past, how in the world would he manage to actually host.

What does your husband actually say when you talk about this? When he comes to
you and says that he is getting grief from his family and complains that you won’t host, I assume your response is, “You are welcome to arrange it, do the cooking and all the cleaning and organising if you want us to host, or you can sort out a reservation somewhere or go and visit them, this really has nothing to do with me.”

If he complains that he doesn’t want to do the hosting work, then i’m assuming you ask him why he thinks you should?

What does he actually say when this is spelled out to him.

Your husband is choosing to be hurt by his own laziness and inconsideration. Did you point that out to him?

Give his relatives as much regard as they give you.

Well done OP. You’ve done more than your fair share, it’s very telling that no one else is itching to host, but they’re expecting you to be 🙄

You are a saint for having done it for that long. Entitled buggers.

Its up to dh to tell his dp that you have hosted as a family for long enough with no reciprocity, and now everyone is working full time it will be stopping indefinitely.

Book a few days in bed op, and have 4 days off. It is well deserved. Dh is most welcome to drive dc to his family for the day and leave you at home.

Don't feel guilty Op, you've got one day off so do something you'd like to do. You've let your Inlaws expect you'll do it every year but your DH will have to tell them No. If he'd helped out more in the past you wouldn't feel so put on, so if he's sad that's he's own fault