To not host anymore?

[MrsBackfire]

I’ve recently got a new job which means I now work FT hours. I was a SAHM for a long while, then I went PT (3days) and now I work 35 hours a week. They are often unsociable hours too, including weekends. There are no childcare issues as DC all teens.

In the past DH and I have been expected to do most of the family entertaining at our house including relatives staying over or coming for lunch and us hosting most Easter’s, Christmas etc. I felt obliged since I was a SAHM, and everyone was working or retired, but dropped it back when I was working PT.

Now I’m working FT and I still have to deal with house, kids, chores, and I want some me time. I’m just NOT prepared to “host” any more. I’m not spending my precious time shopping, cooking and cleaning up after extended family, nor am I prepared to drive hours to see them on sometimes my one day off.

I know that sounds really mean, but the back story is that my in-laws have never once helped with our DC and one of my own parents remarried and spent all their time with their DSC and DSGC and doesn’t even know my DC very well.

10% of me feels a bit guilty, and a bit self indulged. DH is a bit hurt (he’s getting grief from his parents about lack of contact with our family) but I feel like I don’t owe anyone anything. I’m very happy to meet in a restaurant or cafe, but I’m not hosting. DH helps, but I end up doing it.

I’m bringing this up now as I said I’m not hosting Easter as E Sunday is the only day off in a big stretch of work days and I’m not spending it cooking.

AIBU? I feel selfish, but this work is all at my expense.

And that is absolutely fine.

It's fine to prioritise you, if that's what you want (and I get why you do given the backstory). But you don't need to justify it to yourself (or anyone else) under the guise of being too busy. You're not too busy, you simply don't want to and you're prioritising you - that's fine and it doesn't need any justification.

You don't owe these people anything and you don't want to do it. You don't need to hide behind being busy to say no. Shake the guilt!

If your DH wants to do it, he can - but you don't want to, so you're not going to. And that is reason enough.

You really have no idea of people’s lives and challenges.

For some people, keeping a clean house, on top of laundry, cooking healthy meals, managing house repairs and everything else takes a lot of energy. We don’t all have the same level of energy.

People also have things like ADHD, autism, iron deficiency.

Please don’t be so quick to judge.

Except for OP has confirmed that she has plenty of time to do her own things.

The point is people (well, let's be honest, women) shouldn't have to find reasons and excuses to simply say "No, I don't want to do that". They don't need to pretend it's because they're too busy. They can simply say No. That's OK.

Ok, so I’m going to practise in the mirror;

No, because I don’t want to.

Ok but that wasn’t the point you were making in your initial posts.

It was all about how flabbergasted you were that someone working full time with no kids considers themselves overloaded and how that’s a dream life and so many people do so much more.

Well yes - the level of busy-ness implied didn't match up with the life described. Hence leading me to question it. Either OP was hiding behind "being busy" when that wasn't really the case, or she needed some time management help, which would free up time.

I think it's clear that actually, her time management is fine, and her priorities are fine.

This is just a woman feeling guilty for not putting other people's wants before her own - because she's likely been socialised to feel she should put others first.

I say this as someone who pretty much got to breaking point before I realised that it was OK to put myself first sometimes. I don't need an excuse to say no.

I was just working out how to phrase this when I spotted your thread.

I haven't worked properly for two years, two teenagers, no significant health issues just not enough HRT in the prescription.

AIBU never to host again the way I did from say 18 to 50.
I just think I'm through with it. Student parties, 20 something weekends dragging out sofa beds, 30 something with babies, toddlers and guests discovering dietary restrictions. 40something duty visits or not been in touch but we were in your picturesque part of the world.

I think I enjoyed it sometimes, at the time but we rarely return visited them. My in-laws very much see me as an in-law not part of their family. I really feel quite bitter about the effort I put in there.

I liked a sentence in a pp, preserve your tranquility.

Why aren't you questioning her DHs time management and why he can't host his own parents? Womens work?

OP, stop picking up for your husband, he's perfectly capable of hosting his own family, they're his parents, they can deal with their son being less than perfect.