To not host anymore?

[MrsBackfire]

I’ve recently got a new job which means I now work FT hours. I was a SAHM for a long while, then I went PT (3days) and now I work 35 hours a week. They are often unsociable hours too, including weekends. There are no childcare issues as DC all teens.

In the past DH and I have been expected to do most of the family entertaining at our house including relatives staying over or coming for lunch and us hosting most Easter’s, Christmas etc. I felt obliged since I was a SAHM, and everyone was working or retired, but dropped it back when I was working PT.

Now I’m working FT and I still have to deal with house, kids, chores, and I want some me time. I’m just NOT prepared to “host” any more. I’m not spending my precious time shopping, cooking and cleaning up after extended family, nor am I prepared to drive hours to see them on sometimes my one day off.

I know that sounds really mean, but the back story is that my in-laws have never once helped with our DC and one of my own parents remarried and spent all their time with their DSC and DSGC and doesn’t even know my DC very well.

10% of me feels a bit guilty, and a bit self indulged. DH is a bit hurt (he’s getting grief from his parents about lack of contact with our family) but I feel like I don’t owe anyone anything. I’m very happy to meet in a restaurant or cafe, but I’m not hosting. DH helps, but I end up doing it.

I’m bringing this up now as I said I’m not hosting Easter as E Sunday is the only day off in a big stretch of work days and I’m not spending it cooking.

AIBU? I feel selfish, but this work is all at my expense.

Thanks for the comments.

Part of the issue is they don’t just come for a couple of hours. It’s either all day, or 2 nights and they don’t lift a finger.

I don’t think I have time management issues. I’m working FT, I’ve got a long commute, I’ve got to shop, cook, clean, do laundry for my own family, walk the dogs and I’ve got a hobby that takes up a lot of time. My life is actually really nice at the moment but I’m not compromising on time with my DC and my hobbies for extended family.

Yes, teens can help but at the moment they are all studying and I’m letting them off with chores as they all have their heads down.

Yes I will travel to theirs if offered, but I’m not using my 1 day off in a long stint of days to go there. It’s not a rest.

@mrsm43s you think 35 hours a week is so little? I do 24hrs a week and I'm childfree 😁

Good for you! Not unreasonable at all!

What’s stopping DH going on his own, and taking the kids if they want to go?

OP has demonstrated time management - in the OP she says I’m bringing this up now as I said I’m not hosting Easter as E Sunday is the only day off in a big stretch of work days
She is giving good notice that on this occasion she is unable to host

May I ask what words you used? I need tips.

Sorry I work so little. 😜

I work 35 hours, quite unsociable ones, have a long commute, got teens studying for GCSE and A’levels so they’ve been released from chores and are working hard. I’ve got to take on most of the cooking and cleaning as DH works very long hours.
I have a time consuming hobby and am on a couple of committees.

My time management is good, I am just not prepared to get stressed out over catering to extended family now that my time is more precious. I do host my DC’s friends and girl/boyfriends and I really enjoy it, but I don’t feel extended family are deserving of my time and effort now.

Not peri. Been there, survived it, now post meno and a different person, a more assertive, no BS version.

I think it was ‘I’m sorry but I can’t facilitate that’ or something similar. I love the ‘no is a sentence’ type of thing, so I thought short, sweet and to the point. No reasons to discuss.

BE FIRM 😁

And that must be absolutely lovely!

I'm not saying that everyone should work long hours. I think it's great that you get to do that! In fact I think we should all strive to have more time to do what we want to do.

What I'm saying is that someone without childcare or caring responsibilities, just working a standard 35 hour week has it pretty easy compared to most and therefore either has time management issues or isn't being truthful when they say they're really, really busy and don't get any "me time".

In any case the OP has clarified. She has a hobby that takes up lots of time (so "me time") and has a pretty nice, easy life. So yes, lots and lots of "me time" as one would expect of someone in that situation.

She has time to host, but she simply doesn't want to, as she'd prefer to only do stuff for herself. That's absolutely fine, btw. But it's better to own that decision to prioritise herself, rather than trying to paint it as her being too run down and rushed off her feet to host as if she's somehow the poor put upon one without a moment to herself.

What’s all this about OPs time management?

Even if she had no kids, a chef, a housekeeper, a gardener, didn’t work and had nothing more taxing to do than choose her nail polish colour, she still doesn’t have to cook a meal at Easter for ungrateful relatives if she doesn’t want to.

Time management means not over exerting yourself and building in relaxing time too.

I know that sounds really mean, but the back story is that my in-laws have never once helped with our DC and one of my own parents remarried and spent all their time with their DSC and DSGC and doesn’t even know my DC very well.

I would choose ‘me time’ over this too.

Ah, I see you've had the menopause @MrsBackfire . I was never much of a people pleaser but the menopause gave me a real change in attitute, a WTF was I thinking spending all my time pleasing other people. You've done your share @MrsBackfire and you have plenty to do as it is

I know that sounds really mean, but the back story is that my in-laws have never once helped with our DC and one of my own parents remarried and spent all their time with their DSC and DSGC and doesn’t even know my DC very well.

Why oh why would you care what such people think? never mind bending over backwards for them?

She doesn't have time to host. She works, commutes a long way, has dc yes they're teens but still need support, runs her home and yes she has time for her hobbies, why the heck shouldn't she.
She is owning it saying she doesn't want to do it anymore and doesn't want to give her time to do so. How is that not owning it?

This!

I actually agree with you.

I do think I’m very busy with work, house and fun stuff. It’s all good.

Yes, I want to spend my spare time on me, and my nuclear family.

So, for example, today is my day off. Usually I’d be up doing chores. Instead I had a lie in and watched telly till 0900. I felt I earned it because I’ve just come off a 5 day rota. That’s how I feel about Easter Sunday. No, it’s my day off and I’m chilling.

Just wanted to add that my DH is helpful, and does a lot, but hosting is not a strength.

When I was working PT I did tell him to deal with his own family, and I came home from work to see a man on the edge of a nervous breakdown having shopped, prepped, and cooked. Things were 2 hours late, and he looked like he was going to cry.

On a normal day he can cook just fine for us.

Yanbu, I’m a sahm and I wouldn’t even do that even though I have capacity! Don’t feel guilty, you are working FT and have young kids and a restaurant sounds a great idea. They can all FO with their expectations of you hosting.

YANBU

So let him have a breakdown then. Then he will learn not to make comments like he is ‘hurt’.

YANBU l vote don’t do it. You are allowed to not always be the host. The questions about time management are quite funny! It’s not her turn to host and she isn’t the hired help. Like you l am declining to host now and it won’t do down well. I work full time, have 2 under 2, lm studying and have recently been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition. I’m allowed to enjoy Christmas and not run myself ragged for other people

Not sure why your husband is putting this “hurt” nonsense on you though. He doesn’t have the stones to do it but wants you to for his family?! Naaa

Agree! surely after his near 'breakdown' he's been a lot more empathetic and understanding of you declining to host? or has he used the classic user refrain of of saying 'oh but you're brilliant at it, please say you'll host, no one does it as well as you'?

definatly stop hosting,unless you really enjoy it..if it's a chore it's time to stop doing it.

Not selfish at all. Feel no guilt. I realised that my DP’s never bothered hosting at all after we all married. They also never bothered with our birthdays. I now host them only when I am cooking for my own DC. I feel no guilt at all.

"Just wanted to add that my DH is helpful, and does a lot, but hosting is not a strength."

I'm sure that he will get better at it with practice.
If he wants to have guests, he can do the planning and the hosting.

Your DH is hurt that he is no longer going to bask in the glory of having a brilliant wife. Poor him.

It speaks volumes that he doesn’t think of better solutions than just being ‘hurt’. Bit like the rest of his family.

stand firm. You are absolutely doing the right thing xx