To feel a bit annoyed that my mum doesn't make the same effort with her grandkids as her mum did with me?

[comeandhaveteawithme]

I'm not sure annoyed is the right word but it feels unfair somehow.

My grandmother used to take me on a lot of lovely days out, she even took each of the grandkids (seven in total - not all my mums) on a 10 day foreign holiday each, and she babysat regularly so mum could go out in the evening. She also paid for me to go on a couple of holiday clubs for a week long each so my mum could get a break.

My mum didn't work and still doesn't. My dad isn't around but she has a partner. I run a business from home which I struggle to juggle around the kids every school holidays.

I just rang her and begged her to please take my youngest for a couple of hours because I need to get some work done after taking them on three expensive days out and she grudgingly agreed but said "she'll have to just come along with what we're doing though" and listed a couple of hobby-based things she has to do and some shopping (obviously, I don't expect her to drop everything last minute)

AIBU to think it would be nice if my mum offered to take the kids on a nice day out somewhere? she must know she benefitted from her own mum doing it for her? It kind of hurts that she won't think to do it for mine. Money isn't an issue but even so, a nice day out in a park is free.

Sounds like she doesn't enjoy children and possibly didn't find any joy in motherhood either. Some mothers, after "serving their time", would rather not spend another moment caring for a child. Sad, but there you go.

Better for you to pay someone for a bit of regular childcare so that you can get past any feelings of resentment.

(For what it's worth, my mother never did any childcare for me either.)

What sort of Mother was she to you OP?

This.

In my experience the parents who loved being parents also love being active & involved grandparents, my parents say it gives them back the time they loved with young kids. Whereas the parents who didn’t particularly enjoy being parents the first time round aren’t particularly active or involved grandparents, they didn’t enjoy it when they had to do it so don’t want to do it by choice.

Detached, cold, uncaring, angry, stressed and kind of lazy. My step-dad (dead now) was an abusive alcoholic who hit us and was extremely emotionally abusive and he would manipulate her round to his way of thinking. Back in those days, we played out on the street a lot with other local kids so she didn't have to bother with us much when the weather was warm. We were very poor and never went on holidays or nice days out unless my grandparents were taking us but she didn't take us on free days out either.
But she's mellowed with age, is nicer and calmer and has a nice partner and plenty of money. I know she regrets our childhood.
I just don't see why she can't see the help she got and do the same for me, and why she doesn't want to maybe make up for everything a bit by treating the grandkids.
I think the bottom line is that she probably just doesn't like kids.

My mum used to help out with my oldest sometimes but I always knew she resented doing it. She even suggested I ask my step kids great grandparents (hubby's exs grandparents!) Before asking her. This all changed when my sister fell out with her and cut her off. All of a sudden she was round every weekend with her husband so did a lot more helping out with the kids.

YANBU to want this but YABU to think your mum is going to have had a personality transplant.

My mum never worked either until we were teens when she got a p/t shop job. She happily palmed 2 of her kids (one of them me) on her own mother every single school holiday until we left home, when we were sent to stay there, and in between, when her mum visited and stayed with us. She now likes to play the Disney grandparent, where she gets to buy things and come along on days out, but aside from wandering off with the pram she doesn't get stuck in with the kids at all. I once took us to soft play and she sat at a table on her phone the whole time. She lives 4 hours from me so it's not like she sees us all the time, it's a few times a year.

So, in summary, I empathise.

Sorry OP it's completely shit I agree. However if she wasn't a good mother I doubt she has it in her to be a good grandmother. Even if you regret something it doesn't mean that it's easy to change.

YABU to expect her to have a complete personality transplant just because she’s older. She’s a totally different person to your grandmother, and it’s not reasonable to expect her to recreate that.

If she didn’t like the hands on aspect of parenthood, she’s unlikely to want to throw herself into being a hands on grandmother.

I get that it’s disappointing not to have that kind of support. But she is who she is.

The hard truth is, if she wanted to do these things, then she would be making it known that she wants to spend time with the Grandchildren, in her attitude, and deeds. It must be very disappointing for you, but other people cannot be what we want, and may desire them to be. Hopefully for your children, they have other, more engaged family members.

Sorry to sound harsh op, but I think your mum is allowed to be a different person to your grandmother. I also think you are allowed to feel a bit put out by it! 🌷

But you knew what she was like when you decided to have your children why is it a surprise now what has changed?

This makes perfect sense and I feel a bit foolish for not having thought of it before.

As children, we were supposed to be seen and not heard. It was a strange thing but, at the same time as being clear that my parents loved me, I was also pretty clear that my mother didn’t like me. There was never a point where I felt she enjoyed my company, or that of my siblings. When I had children, I could tell that my parents liked the idea of grandchildren but didn’t want to spend any real time with my children, certainly not unless I was there to do the parenting.

My siblings and I were sent to my maternal grandparents for a week every year so that my parents could take a holiday abroad without us and although this wasn’t something I actually wanted my parents to do for me, I couldn’t understand how they could be so utterly hands-off with my girls. Now I think you’re absolutely right. If they didn’t derive any pleasure from parenting their own children, why would they volunteer to spend time with mine? It’s not who they ever were.

I suspect I’m going to keep thinking about this and that there’s a fair bit of comfort in that thought. I found my parents’ lack of interest in my children more hurtful than their lack of interest in me. Thank you for this thought.

OP you’ll get people responding that ‘she doesn’t owe you childcare’ and that ‘you sound entitled’. However I happen to agree with you.

If your mother has never worked AND had lots of free childcare to boot, she is probably completely oblivious as to the realities of your life. On paper, it would be great if she wanted to ‘pay it forward’ with her own grandchildren (not to mention spend some time with them!). In my own experience however, it often doesn’t work like that. Instead, it’s like an ‘invisible privilege’ - if you always had it you don’t really appreciate it.

They do have another grandmother on DH's side who is lovely and does make an effort but she works full time still and doesn't live locally. She retires in the summer so hopefully we'll get to see her more.

I was talking about this with my sister, who's kids are grown up now and she said that mum never once asked to have the kids or suggested doing something with them. Wear as her in-laws would actually call her and ask if they could take the kids to such and such a place and actually get the calendar out and say they wanted them on this day, this day and this day. I'd be so grateful for that.

Your mum wasn't the mum you needed , your gran was the warm, cosy and practical person you needed, and your own mum can't replicate that which is a real shame, you need to let it go she is never going to change.

I was brought up similar to you my mum wasn't the grandparent I would have liked for my children it really is what it is sadly.

YANBU at all for feeling sad at her lack of effort, and I do feel for you. YABU to be comparing her to a totally different person though. Have you tried talking to her about how you feel?

Could be worse my Dmum a great GM - days out and childcare - just not for my DC. It was frankly a relief to move away so distance could be balmed. They have given money at times - my parents - which even though not a lot hugely helped us - so not entriely alone but few times have really resented lack of support.

My IL benefited from free family childcare - it was made very clear they wouldn't ever do that for us - even when it would just be coming over a day early. They have been involved DGP - and DC have benefited from having them round.

In your case while I get the disappointment I suspect your DGM was trying to mitigate your mother's lack of enthusiasm for parenting - so expecting her to take an interest in your kids was probably unrealistic.

Your gran probably knew her own Dd wasn't the best mum so stepped in for your sake.

Sure, it’s disappointing.

BUT - you know she has no interest in children - let’s face it if you’re not interested in your own dc, someone else’s are definitely not going to do it for you.

you get people so often saying ‘her mum did it so why can’t she’ without doing the thinking to join the dots. She doesn’t want to.

whilst it would be lovely to have her help you, it’s not actually her responsibility AT ALL. You haven’t mentioned your other possible options of their father, their fathers family, paid for childcare (delete as appropriate).

and finally, why would you want someone who is ‘cold, detached, other words’ looking after your dc?

My MIL was quite a hands off parent as she had the big job and DH spent a lot of time
with gps. However she is very hands on with her gc, they are there now and staying overnight.

@comeandhaveteawithme your mother sounds selfish but she will lose out not building a relationship with her gc.

Mum has always made out she has an extremely busy and stressful life, when in reality, all the things that she says she constantly has to rush around doing are all her hobbies and interests.
Which is of course absolutely fine but she's always acted like they are her obligations.
For example if someone mentions they've had a difficult week at work she'll say oh I've been working SO HARD down the allotment, with a pained expression like it's slave labour that someone's making her do and not a hobby she chose?
And she'll judge people that don't work as though she works herself, when she doesn't, she just keeps busy.
It's bizarre.
So yes, she's completely oblivious but she also thinks she has it harder.

Its shit and completely understandable you feel bad about it.

My mum had the same as you, her parents just weren't interested in her kids (me and my brothers) at all really. She's the most wonderful warm and loved mum and granny though (and that will be you I'm sure) and definitely happier as far as I can see than my cold miserable grandparents.

She sounds like an awful mum. She may be better than she used to be but she is still totally shit. I think you need to make your peace with the fact that she will never help or support you. I would certainly pull back from her as she won't be a positive influence on your children's lives. If she needs help and support when she is older, show her the same caring energy that she has shown you, i.e. absolutely none.

She now likes to play the Disney grandparent, where she gets to buy things and come along on days out, but aside from wandering off with the pram she doesn't get stuck in with the kids at all. I once took us to soft play and she sat at a table on her phone the whole time.

MIL sort of like that down to beng on phone at soft play - she hated being a young mother - but older grandkids have got better she has got with them. When they were babies she treated them like accessories missing all the cues about discomfort - and really enjoys boasting about them to others. As kids have got to be more people in her eyes and needing less support - she generally been a benefit.