To feel a bit annoyed that my mum doesn't make the same effort with her grandkids as her mum did with me?

[comeandhaveteawithme]

I'm not sure annoyed is the right word but it feels unfair somehow.

My grandmother used to take me on a lot of lovely days out, she even took each of the grandkids (seven in total - not all my mums) on a 10 day foreign holiday each, and she babysat regularly so mum could go out in the evening. She also paid for me to go on a couple of holiday clubs for a week long each so my mum could get a break.

My mum didn't work and still doesn't. My dad isn't around but she has a partner. I run a business from home which I struggle to juggle around the kids every school holidays.

I just rang her and begged her to please take my youngest for a couple of hours because I need to get some work done after taking them on three expensive days out and she grudgingly agreed but said "she'll have to just come along with what we're doing though" and listed a couple of hobby-based things she has to do and some shopping (obviously, I don't expect her to drop everything last minute)

AIBU to think it would be nice if my mum offered to take the kids on a nice day out somewhere? she must know she benefitted from her own mum doing it for her? It kind of hurts that she won't think to do it for mine. Money isn't an issue but even so, a nice day out in a park is free.

Whilst I love my own kids and adore spending time with them, objectively children of those ages as a cohort aren’t remotely interesting to adults.
‘look mummy, there’s a duck, ducks go quack don’t they mummy’ objectively isn’t interesting. (4). ‘My friend Sara has a red dress. That’s my favourite colour.’ (8). Not interesting. ‘And then, she like, was like, oh my god like, totally crushing on Ben, like, and it was so funny.’ Not interesting. We adore our children, because they’re ours, and every word that comes out of their mouths is funny. But, it’s not really. If your mum isn’t emotionally attached because she’s cold, then I could see that it’s not appealing.

just make peace with it. There’s no value to you in not.

You grandmother would have thought like that but your mum doesn’t. It’s sad for you.

This is not a woman I would trust with my children, regardless of her mellowing a bit

Exactly

Bit of a long shot but maybe she’d be more willing if she saw them individually. Would the 12 year old be interested in helping with the allotment maybe? It sounds like she has to learn to enjoy the company of children.

I completely get it. The amount of help some families get is massive, it’s hard when you don’t. I tell myself how well we’ve done, especially when our children were very young. Be careful though, parents like this often expect a lot in old age! Don’t end up doing too much for her as she’s older.

Because even as an adult many otherwise very normal people still seek their parent’s approval, consciously or unconsciously. Counterintuitively, the less affection and approval given to you by your parents, the more you will seek it out.

If your parents don’t like you, then who will? Rejecting grandchildren is an extension of this theme.

For some reason people like to stick the boot in with “well they didn't like being your parent, so why expect anything different with your children?” rhetoric instead of “she sounds awful, aren’t your children lucky to have you as a mum who cares about them, it really is her loss that she’s missing out on these years”.

OP - we have a grandparent like this. We live overseas and went for a 3 week holiday staying with her other child. She only came down for the last 3 days of our stay as she’s “needed in her community” as a 70 something perpetual committee joiner. Hasn’t worked since before children but refuses to stop running around like a blue arsed fly because “her community needs her”. She’s not taking meals to the elderly or volunteering at a food bank, her community work seems to mostly comprise annoying local government about stopping any progress whatsoever.

Our child perpetually asks when we’re next visiting the involved grandparents and never mentions the uninvolved one. Her loss.

@comeandhaveteawithme yanbu to want help, but she isn’t going to change, and you’re only making yourself feel more stressed wishing for what ought to or could have been. No gp help on either side here, even at the many times when it was desperately needed. Now they’re old and sick, we go down to see them and the kids mostly watch tv while the adults chat. It won’t change, change your reaction, try and build a better plan for the holidays. Your youngest is 4 so you’re nearly there.

all your achieving here is making yourself feel worse.

You say she’s never had a job. I think this is the manifestation of the phrase “if you need help, ask a busy person.” If it’s not in someone’s nature to do very much, that is liable to extend to grandmotherly help too.

Mines the same and it does hurt, you think especially when they were a bit shit at raising you that at least they would try with their grandchildren. Mine has 2 children who now don't speak to her, 4 grandchildren she's never met, the other two she hasn't seen in 7 years now. She has a great relationship with her step grandchildren though. The rest of us have always been out of sight out of mind for her.
You have to accept it eventually so the wound can heal instead of being reopened constantly by her failure to live up to your expectations.

While she might not enjoy spending time with children and doesn't want to be hands on, she's recognised that the childhood you all had was lacking, so I'm surprised she wouldn't at least offer to throw money at you to try and make up for it.
That's very low effort and you say she has plenty of money - why doesn't she pay for the kids to go to a holiday club to give you a break?

My grandmother did this. As well as the the day trips to lovely national trust places and local attractions, and the three week long holidays, she paid twice for me to go to holiday clubs. I went to a week at a sports club and a week at an art gallery. All paid for by her.
Oh and sometimes I would just go and stay at her house for a week just for the hell of it and she'd cook me a hot breakfast (never a thing at home) and drive me to school (mum never drove me, I walked alone from a young age).
I don't think she's ever had the kids for a single sleepover. Not even when I was in hospital having my second.

My mum has had a lot on her plate for the past 18years she has raised my siblings children, she spends very little time with my children and whilst this does upset me I know there is no malice intended. However she spends a lot of time offering to taking care of my other siblings (works part time) children also, hubby and I both work full time and would love the occasional I’ll take the kids out or babysit for a few hours whilst I WFH however she never asks. I don’t really know if or how to even approach the subject with her, however she is missing out on my 3 children who she very rarely spends time with although lives less than 1/2mile away. I remember how close I was to my own grandma and feel my kids are missing out should I say something? I don’t want to stress her out or upset her but it’s really bothering me that little interest is shown to my kids, she hasn’t seen them at all other than in passing for months

It sounds like she perhaps wasn’t the best mum and pawned her old children off on her own mum when you were young. And now she isn’t a great grandmother because she still can’t be bothered with kids.

Sorry OP not very helpful I know.