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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit annoyed that my mum doesn't make the same effort with her grandkids as her mum did with me?

66 replies

comeandhaveteawithme · 10/04/2025 09:08

I'm not sure annoyed is the right word but it feels unfair somehow.

My grandmother used to take me on a lot of lovely days out, she even took each of the grandkids (seven in total - not all my mums) on a 10 day foreign holiday each, and she babysat regularly so mum could go out in the evening. She also paid for me to go on a couple of holiday clubs for a week long each so my mum could get a break.

My mum didn't work and still doesn't. My dad isn't around but she has a partner. I run a business from home which I struggle to juggle around the kids every school holidays.

I just rang her and begged her to please take my youngest for a couple of hours because I need to get some work done after taking them on three expensive days out and she grudgingly agreed but said "she'll have to just come along with what we're doing though" and listed a couple of hobby-based things she has to do and some shopping (obviously, I don't expect her to drop everything last minute)

AIBU to think it would be nice if my mum offered to take the kids on a nice day out somewhere? she must know she benefitted from her own mum doing it for her? It kind of hurts that she won't think to do it for mine. Money isn't an issue but even so, a nice day out in a park is free.

OP posts:
4forksache · 10/04/2025 09:53

She’s never had it hard so has no concept of how hard it is for you. She’s not going to change now is she?

MzHz · 10/04/2025 09:54

I was shocked at how my parents were when I had my DS!

my Nan was the best, and my parents benefited from her kindness and generosity

think savings accounts, premium bonds, taking us out to get Mum gifts and cards.

my parents did absolutely fuck all of this. And I was eventually totally on my own as split up with DS dad, and they stepped even further back.

im no contact with them now, for this and more

my nan would have been appalled at how they behaved- she’d have been ashamed of her son

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 10:08

I just don't see why she can't see the help she got and do the same for me, and why she doesn't want to maybe make up for everything a bit by treating the grandkids.
But why are you expecting help? She may have mellowed now, but the way she parented you was not affectionate. Clearly she is not child-focussed.
Also, no-one should expect child care, shitty as that may be. And they definitely should be expecting it from a parent - the assumption that they want to look after your children is erroneous - they may well want to live their last few years in the way that they want. Nothing selfish about that

Richiewoo · 10/04/2025 10:14

If your mother is unloving and abusive. Why do you want her looking after your child.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 10:18

I'm sorry about your childhood, OP.

YABU to expect her to be a wonderful grandmother when she was a shit mother.

StartAnew · 10/04/2025 10:24

YABU to expect that your mum will be the same as her mum. They are different people. Do you always behave identically to your mum?
YANU to ask her to help in various ways so long as you accept that she might refuse.

Original poster
comeandhaveteawithme · 10/04/2025 10:42

StartAnew · 10/04/2025 10:24

YABU to expect that your mum will be the same as her mum. They are different people. Do you always behave identically to your mum?
YANU to ask her to help in various ways so long as you accept that she might refuse.

It's not about expecting her to be the same as her mum, it's about me asking her for help and her not thinking "well, it was really useful to me when I got that help, maybe I should give the same back"
Like, just the odd day out or even just her offering without me ever having to ask would be nice. Nan took me and my siblings and cousins on holidays FFS. I went to Greece for 10 days and on two different haven holidays for a week each time. And she can't think to offer a nice day out during school holidays.

OP posts:
ConfusedAgain1 · 10/04/2025 10:44

Same as my parents. Rubbish grandparents but they also was terrible parents.
when we was little we was always with aunts and uncles and cousins. Nan and granddad would always take us out. My children know of only me and their dad. It’s sad.

PassingStranger · 10/04/2025 10:48

We are not all the same .This has come up before.

JHound · 10/04/2025 10:50

You are being very unreasonable.

JHound · 10/04/2025 10:51

I don’t get people having children but then almost expecting that others will be on hand to help them out. Yeah it’s nice for people to offer but you need to factor in how you will manage you kids without assuming others will help.

Seeline · 10/04/2025 10:55

How old is your mum and how old are your DCs? How many have you got?

Dollshousedolly · 10/04/2025 10:56

If as a parent, your mum was …Detached, cold, uncaring, angry, stressed and kind of lazy …. do you really want her to be taking care of your children ? Leopards don’t change their spots. Your Grandmother probably did a lot with you as a child because she was perfectly aware of her own daughter’s shortcomings.

Original poster
comeandhaveteawithme · 10/04/2025 11:00

Dollshousedolly · 10/04/2025 10:56

If as a parent, your mum was …Detached, cold, uncaring, angry, stressed and kind of lazy …. do you really want her to be taking care of your children ? Leopards don’t change their spots. Your Grandmother probably did a lot with you as a child because she was perfectly aware of her own daughter’s shortcomings.

I suppose I thought she'd changed. She's probably just changed towards me because she likes me more as an adult that she did when I was a kid :(

She will ask to see me for coffee or lunch or something but always when the kids are at school. She wants me for company, but she doesn't want to help me or spend time with the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
comeandhaveteawithme · 10/04/2025 11:02

Seeline · 10/04/2025 10:55

How old is your mum and how old are your DCs? How many have you got?

She'll turn 67 soon but she's fit and healthy, she does a lot of physical activity.

My kids are 4, 8 and 12.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/04/2025 11:03

My parents have only got 2 gc which are my DC
PiL have 7 and did a lot with the other 5 ,mainly due to distance.

I went on holiday (uk) with my parents and dc sometimes DH came along. Nice as my Dad especially took the dc out and about . When they came to visit ( long journey) I was able to spend time with them , relax, cook , and they'd take the dc to the park etc.

Pil were more doing childcare for the other gc I don't know if they ever felt this was too much ?
My parents were older so I had to make sure they didn't overdo it !

JoanJet · 10/04/2025 11:03

It is a difficult thing to accept about your own parent/s, but some people are not suited to being parents and the result can be mood problems/ mh problems, emotional distress, unhealthy coping mechanisms and generally getting overwhelmed and making poor decisions amongst others. Sometimes as awful as it seems, things improve for them after the kids have fully grown up and they no longer have any responsibility for them. I can imagine why if this was the case they wouldn’t want to go back to caring and being responsible for grandkids. It seems very selfish, and it is, but that’s reality sometimes.
My parents had all sorts of problems that improved once we we all grown up and left home. They divorced which helped a lot. My dad stopped drinking (alcoholic) and my mums mh improved a lot. I was angry for years that this couldn’t have happened when I was young and it would have made my life much better but I gradually came to understand it was being responsible for kids that actually caused a lot of their stress and difficulties in the first place.
Obviously I don’t know if there could be an element of that with your mother but there’s no point in wishing she was completely different. It is what it is. It’s better to work on just accepting that. If she wasn’t good with you when you were a child, she won’t be good with your kids in all likelihood.
My own parents are dying to have my dc on a regular basis but I don’t let them. I remember what they were like with me and I don’t want my kid around them even though they are much more together now. I think they really want a do-over so they can re live the parts of our childhood they did enjoy and make themselves feel better about being such shit parents. There’s no way I’m going to let them use my dc for that and maybe if you were in a similar position you wouldn’t want to either.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 11:04

comeandhaveteawithme · 10/04/2025 10:42

It's not about expecting her to be the same as her mum, it's about me asking her for help and her not thinking "well, it was really useful to me when I got that help, maybe I should give the same back"
Like, just the odd day out or even just her offering without me ever having to ask would be nice. Nan took me and my siblings and cousins on holidays FFS. I went to Greece for 10 days and on two different haven holidays for a week each time. And she can't think to offer a nice day out during school holidays.

Show quote history

Have you discussed your outrage and disappointment with her?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/04/2025 11:04

comeandhaveteawithme · 10/04/2025 11:00

I suppose I thought she'd changed. She's probably just changed towards me because she likes me more as an adult that she did when I was a kid :(

She will ask to see me for coffee or lunch or something but always when the kids are at school. She wants me for company, but she doesn't want to help me or spend time with the kids.

Show quote history

Maybe she wants to spend time with you as an a independent adult not just you as a Mum ?

wizzywig · 10/04/2025 11:05

Unfortunately, she is who she is.

Original poster
comeandhaveteawithme · 10/04/2025 11:09

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 11:04

Have you discussed your outrage and disappointment with her?

Show quote history

I'm not outraged. I am sad more than angry.

I've mentioned it in a jokey way like "well, y'know mum, Nan used to take us on HOLIDAY so..." and she just looked guilty and sort of mumbled about how busy she is.

And she is busy, but it's all with stuff she chooses to do. That's fine but I'm just sad she doesn't choose the grandkids.

OP posts:
TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 11:10

comeandhaveteawithme · 10/04/2025 11:09

I'm not outraged. I am sad more than angry.

I've mentioned it in a jokey way like "well, y'know mum, Nan used to take us on HOLIDAY so..." and she just looked guilty and sort of mumbled about how busy she is.

And she is busy, but it's all with stuff she chooses to do. That's fine but I'm just sad she doesn't choose the grandkids.

Show quote history

I'm sorry you're sad. Not a good feeling when a parent disappoints. But I've learnt it's best not to expect, then you're not let down.

Stevialive · 10/04/2025 11:11

What was she like as a mother growing up?

what is your relationship like with her usually op?

Stevialive · 10/04/2025 11:13

Detached, cold, uncaring, angry, stressed and kind of lazy.

So why the hell would you be wanting someone like this to have any relationship with your children let alone be in sole care of them?

Stevialive · 10/04/2025 11:14

Always baffled by how many people who have horrid mothers who they don’t get with who was awful to them as a child… is desperate for said person to be involved with their children.