Is being polyamorous a real thing?

[ThisFluentBiscuit]

I would never have thought so. I assume that being "poly" is just a fancy way of saying you want to have your cake and eat it!

However, I have this new friend. She says that for her whole marriage, she has been "monogamous plus 1," as she puts it. She has had a small number of long-term partners in addition to her husband, who has had the same.

Here's the thing: I assumed it was a bit of a free-for-all and that they were practising consensual non-monogamy. But it seems that they are always "monogamous plus 1" - and here's the kicker - they really seem to love both their spouse and their partner!!!!!

I could never focus on more than one person.

But do you think that some people really are capable of loving two people? Like, they have so much love they need to love two people?! 🤣 I'm serious though - these two seem to be capable of so much love that they seem to need two people to love! It doesn't seem to be about sex - they both seem committed to both the people in their lives!

They don't do foursomes or threesomes or anything. They both think of themselves as having a primary partner (each other, married) and a secondary partner.

My mind is blown, but I'm trying not to judge.

Well, I wouldn’t know if they ‘need’ to love two people, but we all know it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. A lot of long-term affairs are probably testament to this. So thinking about it off the top of my head, yes I think it’s entirely possible to love two people equally.
Edited because I thought about it some more! And I think the sort of relationship that your friend has is probably unusual because both she and her husband are ok with each other having an emotional connection with another person, rather than just sexual. A lot of couples who are in traditionally open marriages still want their spouse to be the only one they have the deep emotional connection to, so wouldn’t be comfortable with the type of relationship your friend has.

Huh. Yeah, I suppose there's that, re. longterm affairs.

I would feel torn and overwhelmed by more than one serious relationship, I think. I'm just fascinated about this poly thing, because to me, true love is devoting yourself to one person. Maybe poly people don't actually truly love anyone.

I used to agree with you, but actually I don't know if most people are made to only be with one person for their whole life. I think that's quite rare, so I can see how this would work well for some people.

Re. your last para - exactly! I think a true poly relationship must be quite rare. Poly, as opposed to affairs or non-consensual monogamy where people have one real partner and the others are about sex.

The rarity is what has my eyes out on stalks!

I wonder what the psychology of being poly is.

Poly doesn't necessarily mean loving two people. The outside partner could be more casual. I do know a gay man online who has a third along with his main partner, they are all very serious and love each other, although it may not be super long-term bc of logistical stuff.

But people who end up having more than one lifetime love usually do serial monogamy, don't they, not being deeply in love and committed to two people at once!

I cannot imagine how confused I would get! 🤣 For me, it's a matter of focus. I feel I can only focus properly on one person at a time.

If the three are all very serious and love each other, that sounds like the real thing re. ploy. (I just read a couple of quick articles.)

Still can't get my head around it.

I suspect most of us are monogamous, even if the relationships happen not to last a lifetime. Otherwise surely poly would be our default societal set-up, instead of monogamy.

Yeah I think I’d be overwhelmed too! I mean, I could imagine loving two partners but how do you cope time-wise?! How do you spend enough time with both of them, because if you love them both equally, you’ll want to be with both of them a lot! Maybe if you all live together it’s much easier 🤣
I dunno though, thinking back to the olden days when I was young and actually in love, there wasn’t room for another partner. I just wanted the one I had, wasn’t interested in finding another at the same time.

Of course, people can love more than one person at a time. Otherwise, it's saying parents can only truly love their first born and any kids that come along after will never quite measure up?

As a society we have decided the most acceptable "norm" is to have one romantic/sexual partner at a time so when somebody goes against the grain it can seem unusual and hard to understand.

Yeah probably, it would be confusing and tiring! But I'm sure it works for some couples, you'd need to have a strong relationship, and great respect and communication

Same here! I think most people are similar. There's the time aspect, but also, for me, I don't think I would get to know two people as deeply as I would with just one. I don't think I would notice or appreciate all their quirks and all the little things that make them them, and treasure them, if I was doing it with two people.

I found this excerpt from the link below interesting. If it's accurate, it seems that poly people are wired a bit differently:

"Many people seem to be naturally inclined to need only one person in their life. Such people experience a drive to seek out romantic companionship, but once they have found that romantic companionship, that drive disappears. It’s as if the need to seek out intimacy is switched off; the drive is satisfied, and the person is content to settle down with his or her partner.
For other people, this is not the case. People who are poly by nature experience the same drive to seek out intimacy and romantic relationships, but once such a person has found a partner, openness to new relationships doesn't switch off.
This is what many poly folk mean when they say “Having one lover does not meet all my needs.” It’s not a way of saying that a poly person expects to have every need, no matter how trivial or transient, satisfied at once; rather, it’s a way of saying that the need that is completely satisfied when a monogamous person finds a lover is not satisfied when a polyamorous person finds a partner."

www.morethantwo.com/polyformonogamouspeople.html

Omg, can you imagine the scope and depth of the material you'd have if you have a bad argument and lose control of your temper?

"Mike ALWAYS makes me come AND he cuddles afterwards, unlike you!" 🙈🙈🙈

Every single poly or open relationship that I’ve seen has ended up in tears. There’s been plenty on here too which have gone wrong.

Usually one person wants it more than the other, or jealousy rears its head. Sometimes the balance between the partners is off and that causes tension.

Either way, it never ends well, even if it takes a while before it fully implodes.

You always get people in poly relationships insisting that it’s not like that for them and maybe it isn’t at first….until it is.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the TV series Sister Wives? It’s in its 20th season or so now but it’s well worth watching from the start. Things start off reasonably well and then it just starts to go wrong. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. It is riveting.

I have to confess to being fascinated by poly relationships because I find the dynamics intriguing. I always hope that it’s going to work out but ime they either end up splitting, or one partner is desperately unhappy but trying to cling on.

I do believe that we were built for monogamy, just like plenty of other species in the animal kingdom. But modern life doesn’t make that easy, and the availability of sex with other people is another factor.

I suspect most of us are monogamous, even if the relationships happen not to last a lifetime.
I thought a lot about relationships after husband & I divorced. I thought about how common it is for people to flings and affairs and I decided that we’re probably not meant to be monogamous long term, that’s it’s a societal construct rather than a natural state.
i remember reading The Naked Ape years ago and I remember there being a bit about how humans have evolved to have that excited ‘in love’ stage for about 3 years in order to ensure a couple stays together long enough for a baby to be walking and able to feed itself and in a very broad sense not reliant on both parents as much as when it’s a baby. So that period when the first flush of romance fades and the couple start getting into the ‘comfortable’ stage is because Nature is saying “ hey, Man! Your baby can manage without you now, off you go and mate with that hot cave girl you saw the other day when you were out hunting!” 🤣

I think it's different with non-romantic relationships, though. Another example in addition to your kids one is, if you had ten sisters, you wouldn't love each of them any differently than if you had just one sister.

But romantic/sexual relationships are different. They're much more intense and personal. If they weren't different, all of us would be loving tons of people romantically all the time!

I'm getting divorced too, and it's making me think about things too, like you did.

That's very interesting! Must read the Naked Ape.

I can't help feeling negative about polyamory. Feel as if it's not that they love more than monogamous people, but that they don't actually love anyone. There must be a reason why our societal ideal is one true love. i.e. because that's what true love is. One person. I feel that our society mirrors what most of us are like, otherwise it wouldn't be set up that way.

I know that some societies allow the man to have more than one wife, but I think that's because those societies tend to view women very badly. I don't think it's a reflection of how people really are when 50% isn't oppressed.

I don't think it's the same thing when your religion dictates it to you, because then it's not your choice. I did enjoy the show Big Love! I must admit after having DC I quite liked the idea of having another wife to help ... probably wanting that lifestyle for different reasons!

Yeah, I'm pretty fascinated by it too. Part of me thinks it's all just a big joke and that it's just an excuse to get their leg over more than one person. But why not just have casual sex with others, then? Why get into a second deep relationship?

I haven't watched Sister Wives, but perhaps I will.

I have a friend I've known for 20+ years who is polyamorous. She is married to one person but lives in a house with two other adults who are both partners. I get the impression from what they've said that they are in a four way relationship but would never ask for details - we are not that close. They've lived together for more than a decade, and she and her husband have had other long term partners. They seem to have built a very happy family.

I’ve been divorced since 2013 so I’ve had plenty of time to think about it all without the emotional fallout of a relationship ending. In a neutral way, I guess. I’ve come to the conclusion that our modern lifestyles and attitudes to marriage puts a lot of expectation on our ability to get all our physical and emotional needs from just one person. It’s a huge ask when we now routinely live into our eighties & nineties and could in theory be with one partner for 60 plus years.
if you go back to the 19th century and even early 20th, it wasn’t uncommon for people to be married at least twice or even 3 times in their adult life. Wives died in childbirth, husbands had accidents, both could die of some horrible illness - nobody really expected to be with one spouse for 60 years.So I think people by and large ARE naturally monogamous, but not to the extent that you’re with one person for your entire adult life.

Yes, that’s very true! But I think at least some of them in Sister Wives truly believed and wanted polygamy and were disappointed in how things ended. I think it’s been quite a journey for them adjusting to the dynamics of a non-poly relationship!

I haven’t seen Big Love, I might try and track it down.

As someone who’s hit perimenopause and has definitely come to appreciate the life experiences that we as women share, I love the idea of having sister wives and a huge extended family. But sharing the same man would rule it out 😂🤷‍♀️

I have a lovely DP but I as I’ve gotten older I have grown quite weary of the patriarchy and the entitlement of many men - I have joked with my female friends that we should set up a commune and bus the men in and out for sex 😂😂

The people I know who practice (or have practiced) polyamory aren't all about sex, definitely not group sex. It's more like having different friendships, just deeper.

A lot of our societal norms of monogamy and lifelong partners is simply because it suits society to tie people into immovable family groups. It's easier to say these parents are responsible for these children and we all know how messy blended families can be. However, most relationship's are not lifelong, few of us settle down with our first love. As divorce becomes easier we don't expect people to stay in unhappy marriages and accept that different partners may offer what we want at different times of life.

I have a lovely DP but I as I’ve gotten older I have grown quite weary of the patriarchy and the entitlement of many men - I have joked with my female friends that we should set up a commune and bus the men in and out for sex 😂😂
Yes!! I’m sure if I was still married I’d be up for that! I’d be quite happy to have my own space and just meet up with my other half for dates and when we’ve had enough of each other he can go back to his house and I’d go back to mine! My sister says she’d like to do that with her husband of 40 years as well 🤣

I live in a place (outside the UK) that’s known for being sexually adventurous and polyamory has been a growing “lifestyle”. I know a few people who have long term, successful relationships that include more than one partner.

My kids went to school with a kid who had a mum and a dad and “Dad Frank”. I don’t know if they’re still together, but it was at least 6 years while I knew them.

Another guy I’m friends with has a partner he lives with and they have another woman who is their girlfriend (as much the woman’s girlfriend as my friend’s girlfriend). They’ve been together for over a decade.

I worked with a woman who had a series of relationships as the “girlfriend” of male/female couples, though she wasn’t monogamous (duogamous?) with them. She’d been doing that for years and did a fair few other “wild” things too like sex parties and BDSM, but more recently got into a long term monogamous relationship with another woman.

These are the successful relationships I know reasonably well. There are a few more that have lasted a few years and been as good as most of the more conventional relationships I know of but their nest relationships were all 1:1.

But I also know quite a few people (mainly women, but not exclusively) who were basically talked into it by their partners or tried it out because they thought it was trendy and ended up unhappy and feeling cheated on.

I think it’s the sort of thing that’s going to become more popular more people decide not to have children - just because there’s less need to worry about stability. But I think it’s a) much harder to make 3 people work than 2, so unlikely to become very widespread, and b) often just an excuse to sleep around without breaking up with your current partner rather than a way to really build relationships that are going to last.