Is being polyamorous a real thing?

[ThisFluentBiscuit]

I would never have thought so. I assume that being "poly" is just a fancy way of saying you want to have your cake and eat it!

However, I have this new friend. She says that for her whole marriage, she has been "monogamous plus 1," as she puts it. She has had a small number of long-term partners in addition to her husband, who has had the same.

Here's the thing: I assumed it was a bit of a free-for-all and that they were practising consensual non-monogamy. But it seems that they are always "monogamous plus 1" - and here's the kicker - they really seem to love both their spouse and their partner!!!!!

I could never focus on more than one person.

But do you think that some people really are capable of loving two people? Like, they have so much love they need to love two people?! 🤣 I'm serious though - these two seem to be capable of so much love that they seem to need two people to love! It doesn't seem to be about sex - they both seem committed to both the people in their lives!

They don't do foursomes or threesomes or anything. They both think of themselves as having a primary partner (each other, married) and a secondary partner.

My mind is blown, but I'm trying not to judge.

I know quite a few people who are into it to one extent or another. They seem no more or less happy than anyone else.

You can hardly call marriage uncomplicated.

well who knew people are different? I mean really, all you're saying is "I wouldn't / couldn't do this so can it REALLY be that others do?" You can say that about anything, rugby, spicy food, raves, mountain climbing. I suspect that actually if society could get more on board with this idea it might save a lot of marriages and family homes. I would love to have been able to keep my first husband when I met my second, but neither of them would have been up for it. Equally, I would not have minded "sharing" husband no2 when he met OW if it meant my kids could have kept their dad in their lives as more of a fixture but for him it was all or nothing. If I could find like minded men, I'd happily do what your friend does.

I know a couple who invited a third person into their marriage. I don’t think any of them have other partners.

I've moved from the Uk to the south of Italy. One of the biggest cultural differences is that men here are always trying to be unfaithful. It's literally a thing they are on the look out for non stop. They talk man to man with the full expectation that you will be of the same mind set, and they lie, and cover for one another like it's some kind of team sport. There is an undeniably strong drive there to have extra marital sex that i haven't experienced before, almost like their marriages are a prison sentance. I've also noticed they are much more patriarchal, possessive, jealous and controlling of their wifes. The phrase "i know what men are like..." gets spouted a lot. My point i guess is that for poly relationships to genuinely work, everyone involved would have to be very emotionally evolved, very secure in their own self worth, and well practiced at managing their emotions. Generally in people, that stuff is rare as rocking horse plop, and i suspect you can only discover your tolerance for such, by having a crack at it. I think i'd be lying if i said none of my self worth is rooted in my wife choosing me exclusively. I'm proud to be seen with her, proud of what we've built together and the depth of our relationship. It's the "forsaking all others" that gives it meaning to some extent. How do you even build marriage-like relationships with mulitple people? I'm judgementally in the "cake and eat it" camp, with a huge dollop of deluision to boot.

What if your plus 1 also has a plus 1 in addition to you ? Are you your plus ones main partner ( presumably not as you are married to someone else ) or are they married to someone else too and you are their extra person Presumably if your plus 1 is allowed to be with you then their partner is allowed a plus one also since you will be off with someone else at times. Just imagine all those germs. Hope everyone's using condoms.

It is definitely a real thing, but hard to manage right. I guess some people can really love one another person but also find their core relationship is helped by sexual variety, or a variety of relationships around it.

This is a bit harsh. There is no need to do something down because you don’t understand it. I don’t either, but they aren’t hurting anyone so what’s the issue.

Do you know that the current version of “love” is a societal construct that’s only really been around for the last 100 years or so, before that no one really expected love, you got married for family reasons. Lust is definitely a thing or the species would have died it but as PP said that’s about getting an infant through the first couple of years.

Live and let live I say.

Read about a polyamorous relationship once,two men, two women, two children, none knows who the children’s bio fathers are.

There’s an alien species on Star Trek where the men have three wives and the women have three husbands. Imagine having three sets of in laws!

Do you know that the current version of “love” is a societal construct that’s only really been around for the last 100 years or so, before that no one really expected love, you got married for family reasons. Lust is definitely a thing or the species would have died it but as PP said that’s about getting an infant through the first couple of years.

Some species do mate for life. Wonder if there is an evolutionary reason for that.

I think if you are secure in your relationship its fine to have another person who you fancy and can have fun with.

The problem is when you are the "+1" then the other person must have really attractive about them, for you to forgo any type of relationship (and in my experience they are usually both incredibly average and a bit self obsessed)

Romantic love and "the one" has been round in various verisons since courtly love in the middle ages. It's hardly a new invention, but clearly reality shows it doesn't work for many.
@PermanentTemporary sadly I know these women. They all wanted a dream poly group child rearing life. They got disney dads and no real support. It was so shit and we don't see the men involved anymore.

There’s at least a post a month on here bashing polyamory on here. It’s so tiresome.

I’m not that way inclined either, but it’s got sweet eff all to do with you or anyone else. You don’t have to understand it. You don’t have to ‘get it’.

How can you know they aren't hurting anyone? Who knows what impact it has long term on one of the partners, or any children involved? How can anyone be sure that one partner isn't coerced, or goes along with it because the alternative of being alone seems unbearable to them? I guess you could say the same about manogamy. I'll admit it proper rattles my cage though, i dont know why, i'm usually pretty live and let live.

This is absolute bollocks. I don’t know why this gets spouted so much. Romeo and Juliette is about romantic love. And that was written in the 1600s. There are references in the Hebrew Bible using romantic love as a metaphor for the relationship between God and his people.

Throughout literature and time and cultures you will find references to romantic love.

Do you really think we have ‘invented’ an emotion that we now all feel? How did that happen? Did evil scientists make it in a lab 100 years ago and release it in a smoke over the world?

That's a ridiculous comparison. Most children also love their grandparents, parents have one, two or more children. None of those are partner love/a pair bond.
Think about the difficulties marriages get into if a spouse puts a parent first e.g. husband does whatever MIL wants and wife doesn't get a look in.

Not about Poly relationships but contains some interesting commengts that might relate to it in a way

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cwyngk3kk8go

Both couples had to spend long periods apart at times because of work commitments.
This is something they joke was perhaps part of the reason for their long marriages.
Tommy travelled, as a lighthouse keeper, while for much of her working life Violet was on the night shift in local hospitals.
Violet said: "My secret was I worked at nights, I was home during the day, and I was out every night.
"And my man worked during the day, and he was home every night, that was the secret - to avoid each other."

Yeah but on these threads you also get people bashing monogamy, with wild claims it’s a recent invention ( pair bonding is the bedrock of every society I can think of, save one, -except it’s often pair bonding plus bonding to the husband’s family- and all the iterations that give get out clauses to monogamy I know of, are to allow men to shag around whilst women must remain faithful to their husband, usually on pain of death). And wild claims that romantic love is a recent invention too.

I can only think poly fans invented this fictional narrative so that they can feel like they are throwing of the shackles of western modernity or something. But it is a fiction.

I agree - I think people often change immeasurably through their lives and sometimes people grow apart.

Lust is definitely a thing or the species would have died it but as PP said that’s about getting an infant through the first couple of years

And this! The nonsense in this! The baby and toddler years are often when lust stops!

Nearly all societies have created systems of long term pair bonding so multiple children are raised in a family group. If men bogged off every couple of years, the mother and toddler would have risked dying. Which is not good for gene survival. There was no welfare state to fall back on in nearly all human history. Just charity ( it’s why most religions encourage charity to ‘ the poor widow and her children because they were so vulnerable to starvation outside a family unit) So no, human society did not deliberately create the system you think it did where all women and children relied on ‘charity’ to survive when the H bogged off after two years, but instead we created a system where women and children had some material security with a husband and his family.

Oh god, this again.

Yes it's possible. Yes, plenty of people do it, and you only tend to hear about the unsuccessful ones, in the same way that you only hear about people's shit supposedly monogamous relationships on MN - almost nobody posts about how great and smooth their relationship is, they post when it's in trouble.

I've spent most of my life in "committed living-together primary plus one other deep emotional commitment" type relationships.
I don't think I have more or less love to give than others - what I do have is a lack of jealousy a good sense of security in my relationships, and an understanding that both I and my partners can very much love and be committed to each other, and also have similarly intense relationships with others.

Someone upthread said it's not the same as with parents, siblings, children, friends where you can love more than one at a time - well, for us, it is. I have never understood the mentality that just because you have a sexual/romantic relationship with someone, they must be the only one, whereas with all other forms of love it is reasonable to share that between multiple people.

Live your life however you want, but it's as ridiculous and judgemental to say poly relationships aren't as real or deep as others as it would be to say the same about same sex relationships, or age gap ones, or anything else you personally don't happen to approve of or understand.

And yes, I would also agree that there are many people who misuse the "poly" label to mean they want to fuck around, that their partner may not know or be coerced into it, or that aren't able to have multiple respectful relationships. But those things all occur in supposedly monogamous relationships as well - there are rubbish people in all strands of life.

And @ThisFluentBiscuit

"Part of me thinks it's all just a big joke and that it's just an excuse to get their leg over more than one person. But why not just have casual sex with others, then? Why get into a second deep relationship?"

How about because it's not in the least about "getting a leg over", but about the emotional intimacy and connection I have with a particular person?
I don't like casual sex, have had 3 partners in 15+ years, and value deep, committed and emotional relationships, as do my partners. It's just that apparently they're not in a format that you judge to be acceptable...

Monogamy is the expected social construct, and that definitely works for most. There are quite a few neurodivergent people within the poly community, and that can be because they are wired differently and don't generally subscribe to social norms.

It can work really well for the right people. Open communication and full consent from all parties is vital. It's not necessarily about sex either, it's just not expecting one partner to be all things to meet all needs. Very different to swinging, which is generally how some people perceive it.

Never seen that prevail on polyamory thread. Also never seen a polyamorous individual start a thread monogamy bashing.

Their religion doesn't dictate it, but it allows it. No religion actually had a rule that polygamous relationships are mandated. Those women did have a choice.

Its literally on this thread! This thread is only three pages long, so you can find these comments quite easily!

I said ‘prevail’, meaning it becomes the majority opinion, and also said that it’s not an actual new thread title. A few random people bashing monogamy on a thread specifically set up to bash polyamory is not the same thing.