So much seemingly willful ignorance and judgement on this thread…. Makes me reluctant to get involved but I’ll give it a try. Polyamory is one form of consensual non-monogamy, and is far more focused on multiple relationships, versus sex. It can range from decades long ‘closed’ partnerships, such as three people living together. It can mean a looser more fluid arrangement, with a primary more long term partner, then secondaries who are still relationships, but may be less permanent. Maybe they will last a few years, then move on, or maybe they will prove deeper and become another permanent, just like any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship may dwindle or prosper. Often these secondaries have their own primaries. It can also be very loose, with a simple belief that you don’t need to limit relationships/ partners/ romance atall, leading to a constantly shifting matrix… from my experience this model is more common in young people who may never aspire to be tied down in anyway. It is still not about fucking though, it is often about romance, caring, fluidity and freedom.
No, ‘love’ is not the same as ‘fuck’ for polyamorists. consensual monogamy is a larger umbrella term that can also include much looser ‘multi-fucking’ scenarios like swinging or being on the ‘lifestyle’. These groups tend to hold three core values in sync with polyamorists: that sexual activity does not need to be exclusive, and relationships can be just as wonderful or more without this sexual exclusivity. And that honesty is deeply important, and that by leading unconventional lives in these ways, they are able and committed to being more honest with their partners and indeed with themselves than many monogamous couples are able to be. The equivalence many monogamous people draw between polyamory/ consensual non monogamy and affairs or cheating is total anathema to them. They are polar opposites. Third, bisexuality, particularly among women, tends to be much more accepted, as sexual and romantic love is seen as less boundaried, the natural conclusion is you can relate to both sexes in that way.
However, otherwise the groups are very different. Swingers/ lifestyles are often quite wary of deep, romantic connections beyond their relationships. They may be very good friends with ‘play partners’ and are often part of warm. Genuine communities of people who approach sex in similar ways, but they start getting uneasy if romantic feelings start arising. In fact, there is mostly a pride that they have decoupled sex from expectations of romance and high emotion, and thus liberated themselves to enjoy the diversity of play partners and sexual activity that makes their sexual lives very satisfying. One of their core beliefs would often be ‘sex is a joyous, physically and even spiritually satisfying part of life, and it need not be bound down to traditional societal rules.’ There is often quite high level of sexual experimentalism…. But it is not a boundary-free zone for couples. Indeed often deep romantic connection becomes the new boundary - ie yes, you can fuck anyone, and explore all kinds of different sexual connections, but my partner’s romantic feelings are all for me… that’s what makes us the relationship’.
Polyamorists, by contrast, often steer clear of ‘sex means nothing’ scenarios. They may well be totally uninterested in sex clubs, orgies, day to day swapping of partners, bdsm, kinks etc They are building and maintaining relationships full of love and commitment. Just breaking beyond the norm by doing it with possibly more than one person at a time. Yes, it can be complicated and take great effort - not only to invest in two or three romantic connections, but also to cope with the judgement of others, and thinking and communicating really carefully to redefine boundaries, understand needs and make things work without the comfort of a well-worn playbook or societal affirmation. Often, Polyamorists are extremely mature, thoughtful and very evolved in their thinking and communication of needs, boundaries etc…. Basically, if you think it takes skill to maintain one relationship, imagine the skill it takes to manage multiples.
It’s obviously very complex and there are literally thousands of different models, many overlapping across the entire space. But it’s not all a joke for monogamists to judge and deride. Yes we love just as deeply. And generally we work much harder to ask ourselves what is truly right for us and others, what is ethical, how best to communicate, how best to build human connection, to protect ourselves and our loved ones, and have fulfilled, rich lives, because we are doing it with a far less defined playbook, and without the approval of others.