DH & me buying a house together - friction over what we take

[Happyspendingthedayinthegarden]

First World Problem I'm afraid.

For context. DH & me fell in love when I bought the house opposite his. We've been married for nearly 3 years & still maintain separate households, though in reality we spend most of our time at my place as I have a little dog & my garden is dog-proof.

Over the years I have collected a vast collection of a ceramics from a very well known Art Deco designer. TBH it's got rather ridiculous in that I seriously do have a VAST collection including a dinner service that's still stored in bubble wrap & in boxes! I admit that my collection needs to be pruned & I have been drip-feeding items onto eBay for several months.

DH & me have decided that the time is right for us to consolidate our assets & buy somewhere together. It's rather ridiculous that we're paying 2 lots of council tax, gas, electric, water etc. We have had an offer accepted on a very well-maintained bungalow with the vendors leaving most White goods & lots of other furniture.

Discussing what we move & what we get rid of is proving to be a...well...sticking point. DH is saying no room for my Art Deco stuff - I agree & have said that I'm selling it as fast as I can, but don't want to 'flood the market'. If I put it all on at once I won't get anything like it's value. Also, I only have 2 hands, work 3 days a week & it's impossible for me to answer buyer's questions, pack & take more than about 5 boxes to the PO in a week as well as working, housework, maintaining both our gardens etc.

I'm saying 'give me time' I will prune the collection & only want to keep the complete sets that are worth thousands - we are talking a Big Name Art Deco designer & I want to hang on to the coffee sets & early stuff as it forms part of his daughter's & my son's inheritance.

I've said that it ranks as important to me as his cricket balls & trophies that he won when at <public> school that he wants to keep.

He says that I should get in touch with local auction house & sell the lot. I'm saying 'No' because prices have depreciated & will sell for more in a few years.

Don't get me started on the argument about my G.G. Grandmother's early 19thC gateleg mahogany dining table - already said that's non-negotiable as many memories spent enjoying dinners with my family around that. But he's saying no room.

Trouble is his parents left very little (well nothing) to him & his brothers & I don't think that he understands the value of something that you've inherited.

I've asked him what he keeps in the <modern MDF) cabinet that he's so keen on keeping & suggested that there is room for his cricket balls & school trophies in my 19C china cabinet inherited from my grandmother (with lovely inlaid veneer)

Am wondering if we should withdraw our offer & stay as we are. However, it's very expensive living separately & this house is lovely with wrap around sunny landscaped garden, utility room, 2nd loo - everything I could wish for & so unlike that either of us have ATM....

Also I love the very bones of him & want to share my life with him.

You may see from PP from me that I have concerns about his memory & wondering if this is part of on-coming dementia? EG: unable to see soemone else's POV? He wants to get rid of my lovely 19thC furniture in favour of his modern crap.

WWYD?

Bit off topic but is it Clarice Cliff?

Yes (mostly CC) & lots if Susie Cooper as well. I started buying in the early 1980's & have <sorry> shed loads of CC. When she became too expensive I started collecting Susie Cooper.

My house is totally cluttered with it - I get DH's issues & am willing to sell most of SC, but want to save my CC coffee sets etc. I have an inkling that you may agree.

I have a fair bit of CC so I’d definitely keep that- I’m not sure Susie Cooper would fall into the same category in terms of desirability so if you focus on those pieces that would hopefully help

I wouldn't get rid of the stuff I loved, even if it went into storage.

If you are keeping some for inheritance purposes can it be boxed up in the attic, and you choose some items only for display?

Thank you - agree with you. Totally not an option to get rid of the CC coffee sets that I have, even if I have to hide them under a bed LOL!

if i had a Clarice Cliff dinner service i would be using it, tbh. And would certainly not be getting rid of a collection of art deco things.

Sorry, not helpful I know.

Are your daughter and son looking forward to this collection or will they just sell it anyway? In which case it might be better off being sold by you if you know the market.

You sound fab OP. Don't let questions of practically override what is important to you. With all the economies you will be making by combining your homes, you can afford a storage unit.

Why do you need furniture to be left in the bungalow? I know it's convenient for the sellers not to have to clear out everything but do you really need it - after all you are currently living in two houses with two houses' worth of furniture. Not having the sellers' furniture would leave more room for your inherited table and cabinets etc that your husband says there's no room for.

He will just have to put up with your art deco pieces until you can gradually dispose of them. You could put them into storage but as they are valuable, it may not feel safe or be safe to do so.

Hang onto the CC, it will go up.

Around here, Victorian furniture isn't moving fast. People are downsizing and inheriting furniture they don't want and there's a glut of it. People want the MCM.

If you do end up moving in together, keep the solid wood, it will hold up better than MDF crap. I get you. I have my grandmother's table and a depression era inlaid tramp art table that I will not be getting rid of.

I don't know if you two are compatible in living together as he wants you to dump stuff that has precious memories for you like the gateleg table and doesn't care that you get what your stuff like CC is worth, he just wants rid of it even at a loss.

When buying, you need to sacrifice a lot of furniture and possessions to fit your new house. Does it not have an attic or garage you can store this stuff in?

Furniture needs to be pleasing to both of you, not full of sentimental clutter, and go with the style of the room and house.
We bought a fairly modern (40yrs old) house, modern style, clean lines. My old Victorian furniture had to go as it just looked ridiculous in a non-Victorian house!

Sell what you can, put the rest in secure storage or box it up in attic. Choose new furniture together.

I bring it out at Christmas & sit there like Monica in 'Friends' asking people to be careful not to scratch it with their cutlery & advising them to tear apart their meals rather than cut them. Must confess that I also bring out the sterling silver cutlery. Yes, I know I'm a very lucky girl(!) . But will all go to our children for them to enjoy.

My hoard is slightly (I think) out of fashion, but I'm not concerned with what it's worth at all. Left to me by my grandma, it is a collection of Waterford Crystal. Much of it is in the attic waiting for the next heir (who will probably smash it up lol). I use the glassware, wine carafe, and other bits and pieces as often as I can. I hand wash them of course, but I wouldn't be devastated either if something broke. It has given great pleasure over the years.

OP, would you consider a storage lock up for your stuff? I think that's a reasonable compromise, then you can start your lives off afresh in the new home uncluttered! Keep a few items for display and store the rest would be my way if the stuff was valuable. And TBH you DH might have a point if your stuff is taking over the place as it is!

Hmm. I can see both sides of this.

DH inherited a lot of stuff from a succession of relatives and childless godparents. It all came to our first house when we bought it. I hated living with the tastes of deceased relatives but didn't feel able to say anything as it had sentimental value. But it didn't feel like my house for a long time - basically until we did significant refurbishment and it was obvious that the furniture didn't fit that new environment. It actually felt pretty suffocating and disempowering.

He sounds like he is putting a lot of pressure on you and it also sounds like you have very different tastes. These things become important when combining households when we are older and know our own minds about such things. I wouldn't want to live with someone who didn't like my clutter, but that is me...

You’re assuming they’d want it though. In all likelihood they could just as quickly get it sold off.

All I can say is don’t do what I’ve done and sell things you love to make room for a man’s junk. My partner is a hoarder and the only way I can keep the house navigable is to have sold the vast majority of my possessions.

All he has done is expand into the space I created and I’m still restricted by his rubbish and clutter.

Keep your beautiful antiques and the memories they hold, you won’t get them back when they are gone.

No attic.

Is a modern bungalow. I'm thinking about what you've said - thank you. But, as it will be my/our forever home, no point in storing stuff. DS lives in a very small flat with no room for these things. I fear that I will have to let go of larger items of furniture & he will inherit smaller items such as his G. Grandmother's jug, GG Grandmother's coal box etc.

Thank you 🤗I fear that I'm the hoarder - bit now that you've mentioned it I'm wondering about DH.

Keeping things for your children to have later only makes sense if your children would actually want them. Otherwise you should use the things that you love. It’s a shame you don’t have it out to look at and use regularly.

however seems the solution is a storage unit. Furniture is trickier but maybe you get the dining room and he gets the living room or similar. Houses don’t have to look the same throughout and then you can each have a space to enjoy.

Seventhing the suggestion of a storage unit. Yes it will cost but it should be cheaper than your currently monthly outgoings.

Shurgard offer first month free.

I read your other post.

TBH, don't move. Just too many danger zones right now.

Storage unit if it doesn’t fit in the house.

i am also wondering the point of owning it if you don’t use it or look at it.