DH & me buying a house together - friction over what we take

[Happyspendingthedayinthegarden]

First World Problem I'm afraid.

For context. DH & me fell in love when I bought the house opposite his. We've been married for nearly 3 years & still maintain separate households, though in reality we spend most of our time at my place as I have a little dog & my garden is dog-proof.

Over the years I have collected a vast collection of a ceramics from a very well known Art Deco designer. TBH it's got rather ridiculous in that I seriously do have a VAST collection including a dinner service that's still stored in bubble wrap & in boxes! I admit that my collection needs to be pruned & I have been drip-feeding items onto eBay for several months.

DH & me have decided that the time is right for us to consolidate our assets & buy somewhere together. It's rather ridiculous that we're paying 2 lots of council tax, gas, electric, water etc. We have had an offer accepted on a very well-maintained bungalow with the vendors leaving most White goods & lots of other furniture.

Discussing what we move & what we get rid of is proving to be a...well...sticking point. DH is saying no room for my Art Deco stuff - I agree & have said that I'm selling it as fast as I can, but don't want to 'flood the market'. If I put it all on at once I won't get anything like it's value. Also, I only have 2 hands, work 3 days a week & it's impossible for me to answer buyer's questions, pack & take more than about 5 boxes to the PO in a week as well as working, housework, maintaining both our gardens etc.

I'm saying 'give me time' I will prune the collection & only want to keep the complete sets that are worth thousands - we are talking a Big Name Art Deco designer & I want to hang on to the coffee sets & early stuff as it forms part of his daughter's & my son's inheritance.

I've said that it ranks as important to me as his cricket balls & trophies that he won when at <public> school that he wants to keep.

He says that I should get in touch with local auction house & sell the lot. I'm saying 'No' because prices have depreciated & will sell for more in a few years.

Don't get me started on the argument about my G.G. Grandmother's early 19thC gateleg mahogany dining table - already said that's non-negotiable as many memories spent enjoying dinners with my family around that. But he's saying no room.

Trouble is his parents left very little (well nothing) to him & his brothers & I don't think that he understands the value of something that you've inherited.

I've asked him what he keeps in the <modern MDF) cabinet that he's so keen on keeping & suggested that there is room for his cricket balls & school trophies in my 19C china cabinet inherited from my grandmother (with lovely inlaid veneer)

Am wondering if we should withdraw our offer & stay as we are. However, it's very expensive living separately & this house is lovely with wrap around sunny landscaped garden, utility room, 2nd loo - everything I could wish for & so unlike that either of us have ATM....

Also I love the very bones of him & want to share my life with him.

You may see from PP from me that I have concerns about his memory & wondering if this is part of on-coming dementia? EG: unable to see soemone else's POV? He wants to get rid of my lovely 19thC furniture in favour of his modern crap.

WWYD?

Just on the practicality, buy postage online and royal mail will collect for free. I haven't been to thr post office in years.

I'm not convinced this is a relationship demonstrating the give and take needed to live together. Seems all give from you and take from him.think carefully before you move

Have a conversation with your dc. Do they want your Clarice Cliff?

I quite like CC, in an abstract sort of way, but it's not really my style (I like naff Victorian Gothic) so if my mum had a galumphing great collection I'd be advising her to keep & use anything not in storage, liquidate the rest & enjoy fabulous holidays, because otherwise, honestly, I'd eventually be flogging it at auction & probably getting a much lower valuation.

There's a few pieces of family furniture my dps know I'd like to have, but my dad's got literally walls of modern jazz vinyl - it's worth quite a bit but I would have no idea where to start, so if it's left to me & db, it'll be auctioned.

I've had a similar conversation with my own late teenage dcs. In my case it's books & Victorian jewellery.

So I would move the convo away from dh. Whatever you are using & getting joy from should be afforded house room. Anything you are keeping as a planned inheritance...best to discuss frankly with dc.

It sounds like you have the perfect setup right now. You have exactly what most women who are done having children crave for. You have a loving relationship with a man you don’t have to live with but he’s right on your doorstep if you need him. I wouldn’t throw that away for all the tea in China. Especially if he’s showing signs of dementia. You’d be his full time carer rather than someone who checks up on him. It can be quite brutal.

Thank you - but I'm committed to my DH. I will care for him regardless. Love the very bones of him - my last & greatest love. I knew that 'taking on' a man 10 years older than me would probably mean that I would end up caring for him. I will care for him. I know what that involves as cared for both my parents.

And you absolutely can love him and care for him.

But with separate houses like you both have now.

Just put it in a storage unit. You’re not looking at it regularly anyway. Then everyone’s happy.

Slightly off topic but in case you weren’t aware - have you made an election for your main residence for capital gains tax purposes? Married couples can only have one main residence between them, even if you live separately. That means the non-main residence could be subject to some capital gains tax when sold. Worth looking into so you’re prepared given you are considering selling both properties.

You so right - I have yet to meet someone who thinks me & DH living apart a bad idea. A friend commented if she & he ex had loved apart would probably still be married! However, he's on limited income & dipping into his savings every month. I have a Civil Service Pension topped up with my earnings, also I'm concerned about his health (see PP) & think only option is for us to move in together.

At the end of the day it will be me organizing the move so he won't have an option so will be fair a complait <wink>

He needs to compromise. It sounds like you are happy to get rid of some of your stuff so he should be happy for you to take some of it. Saying you can't take any of it is ridiculous given it's clearly an interest of yours.

Until relatives have to sort the storage unit out when the inevitable happens!

Thank you taking advice on that. DH selling his place & moving in with me until we can move in (they moving to new build) but contacting cousin who is tax specialist to check. We're fortunate to be able to buy new house before selling our's, but will pretty-much wipe us out of savings.

This - my dm has lots of stuff she is hoarding collecting for us her dc, we dont want it, we dont want to have to sell it, we are literally going to bin it - WE DO NOT WANT IT!

In your case it’s quite a good strategy to get a storage unit. For both of you so you only take into the home what you both want. Like Stacey on sort your life out. Then sell it off or everything has to ‘earn’ its place

When I met my partner, I was art deco and he was modern contemporary. When we moved in together, we met in the middle and embraced mid century. Bye bye Clarice, hello G-plan. 😄

It sounds like the move is much more beneficial to him if he has health and financial issues. So seems rather brass of him to expect the new place only has the things he likes.

On the other hand, you do seem to be avoiding the question of whether the decendants actually want to inherit the stuff and paying a ton every month on storage to protect an "investment" seems ill advised.

Tell him you are bringing 10 pieces or the move is off?

You may see from PP from me that I have concerns about his memory & wondering if this is part of on-coming dementia? EG: unable to see soemone else's POV? He wants to get rid of my lovely 19thC furniture in favour of his modern crap.

That is a VV unreasonable conclusion to leap to.

My DH and I have very different aesthetics and views on what is important. We have a room each to decorate and furnish as we choose without input or influence from the other. Then with shared spaces we compromise and they've ended up as lovely spaces that make both of us happy.
Have a room of your own in your new house and keep all your precious things there.

Every chance your children won’t want it You’re a hoarder your partner is a chucker, you aren’t compatible in terms of space sharing. Keep your separate houses - sounds perfect

My DS has serious MH problems. Currently saying he only wants his G. Grandparent's Dining table. as is a gateleg table & folds down to about 50cms I don't see how that is a problem. I intend to sneak that into our new home - I can make space.

I'm a big reader, but am happy to get rid of my books as I tend to read on my Kindle these days so no problem with that. I have identified a space for the bookcase that can store my CC & SC that will keep. As I say the BIG sticking point is my CC & Susie Cooper sets. Am happy to get rid of all the cups & saucers & other bits. But the sets are non-negotiable.

I think that DH will comply as it's likely to be me that packs & organises the move & he won't know what happened until it happens. So, probably no problems.

OH BTW I haven't mentioned my dolls house - it's huge but magnificent.

My partner has collections of things.
I don’t want it , his kids don’t want it.
It will just be a headache to get rid of one day.

Oh OP you sound wonderful! I hope this works out for the two of you but I agree with PP you need to have separate parts of the house that can just as you like it. It sounds like your personality is reflected in all of these things and you don’t want to dull that with impersonal mdf pieces.

Probably not what you're asking but can you make the loft a place to store/ sort it all? We just boarded and insulated ours, ran a plug up there for electrics, and it's a clean, dry and actually nice space to be in and go through boxes. (I have a similar 'problem', but with craft materials). It wasn't expensive, and to have a velux in would be c £850 , so you could have your own pottery dungeon.

So the house you are planning on buying is too small for all the things you want to take. One solution is take less. Another is find a bigger house.

Wouldn't an auction house be better than Ebay?

Build your own storage unit in the garden. Make it damp-proof and well insulated. Much more convenient than having things in a storage unit away from home. You can switch your collection around when you feel like it. (And if I were you, I'd build it with some extra room, so I could keep on collecting!)