DH & me buying a house together - friction over what we take

[Happyspendingthedayinthegarden]

First World Problem I'm afraid.

For context. DH & me fell in love when I bought the house opposite his. We've been married for nearly 3 years & still maintain separate households, though in reality we spend most of our time at my place as I have a little dog & my garden is dog-proof.

Over the years I have collected a vast collection of a ceramics from a very well known Art Deco designer. TBH it's got rather ridiculous in that I seriously do have a VAST collection including a dinner service that's still stored in bubble wrap & in boxes! I admit that my collection needs to be pruned & I have been drip-feeding items onto eBay for several months.

DH & me have decided that the time is right for us to consolidate our assets & buy somewhere together. It's rather ridiculous that we're paying 2 lots of council tax, gas, electric, water etc. We have had an offer accepted on a very well-maintained bungalow with the vendors leaving most White goods & lots of other furniture.

Discussing what we move & what we get rid of is proving to be a...well...sticking point. DH is saying no room for my Art Deco stuff - I agree & have said that I'm selling it as fast as I can, but don't want to 'flood the market'. If I put it all on at once I won't get anything like it's value. Also, I only have 2 hands, work 3 days a week & it's impossible for me to answer buyer's questions, pack & take more than about 5 boxes to the PO in a week as well as working, housework, maintaining both our gardens etc.

I'm saying 'give me time' I will prune the collection & only want to keep the complete sets that are worth thousands - we are talking a Big Name Art Deco designer & I want to hang on to the coffee sets & early stuff as it forms part of his daughter's & my son's inheritance.

I've said that it ranks as important to me as his cricket balls & trophies that he won when at <public> school that he wants to keep.

He says that I should get in touch with local auction house & sell the lot. I'm saying 'No' because prices have depreciated & will sell for more in a few years.

Don't get me started on the argument about my G.G. Grandmother's early 19thC gateleg mahogany dining table - already said that's non-negotiable as many memories spent enjoying dinners with my family around that. But he's saying no room.

Trouble is his parents left very little (well nothing) to him & his brothers & I don't think that he understands the value of something that you've inherited.

I've asked him what he keeps in the <modern MDF) cabinet that he's so keen on keeping & suggested that there is room for his cricket balls & school trophies in my 19C china cabinet inherited from my grandmother (with lovely inlaid veneer)

Am wondering if we should withdraw our offer & stay as we are. However, it's very expensive living separately & this house is lovely with wrap around sunny landscaped garden, utility room, 2nd loo - everything I could wish for & so unlike that either of us have ATM....

Also I love the very bones of him & want to share my life with him.

You may see from PP from me that I have concerns about his memory & wondering if this is part of on-coming dementia? EG: unable to see soemone else's POV? He wants to get rid of my lovely 19thC furniture in favour of his modern crap.

WWYD?

What's concerning is that he's insisting you to sell 'the lot' – he's not prepared to compromise by suggesting you keep some of it. Plus you've said it's likely you're going to be organising the move/doing the packing. It seems unequal and maybe not a good start to a setting up home together. He should understand your Art Deco collection is important to you (that's the issue above who's going to inherit it).
I don't live with my DH (we're similar ages to you and your DH). We've been together for more than 20 years, married for three. Having separate homes works v well. A few people think it's odd (not that we care).
Moving in with someone is a huge change in lifestyle, esp if you're older and used to your privacy/time alone and controlling/being responsible for how you live.

Thank you. I understand that his MDF furniture is part of his owning his home. I also get how his cricket balls, & other trinkets are of value to him -especially as he has nothing inherited from his parents He has a complicated relationship with his older brothers the eldest swooped down when his mother died & got it all - such as it was as she had in care home by then.

I am determined to take this calmly, bit I have some non-negotiable stances. I think that I will just do a passive thing -n it's here so deal with it.

BTW we have an appointment with GP to discuss DH's memory & 'wibbly - wobby' issues. - BRING IT ON! 😍

If you are ever in the Cotswolds OP go to Snowshill Manor. The chap that lived there sounds like your spirit animal

You so correct - a friend commented is she & XH had lived apart they night still be married.

However my DH is showing symptoms of dementia - I pray to God that its jus t something else. We have a GP appointment in a couple of weeks. I cared for both parents. I know that I can't keep an eye on him in the night if we in separate houses. People with dementia liable to fall, wander etc.