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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sharing bills

62 replies

LovingTheSunnyDay · 09/04/2025 14:53

This is a strange thing to ask others, but I am so confused. My partner of 7 yrs didn't pay his equal bills share in April. I was waiting politely but I had to ask yesterday because there is a big biannual flat maintenance fee for me to pay ( mortgage is mine). I had no money coming from my child father since Dec and despite working 40h a week I eventually run out of funds to cover it... My partner said that this is to make me more stern with my teenage son and to allow him to cut off the broadband, when my son doesn't do his chores on time. I am so sad, confused and feeling like I am held at ransom. How can he put me in this situation? I am told he will not give me any money, but I really can't go without his share. He agreed to paying ( reluctantly) his share yrs ago and isn't it normal to share bills when living together. He can afford it, but this is apparently to make me change. Why this feels so so wrong? Am I right that it's wrong?

OP posts:
Walker1178 · 09/04/2025 15:27

He can afford it, but this is apparently to make me change.

I’d say the only thing that needs to change is his address! Let the cheeky freeloader know if he doesn’t like living in your home he can bugger off and set his own rules elsewhere.

unsync · 09/04/2025 16:08

This is financial abuse. He's using money to control you. Not acceptable. He needs to go.

bigboykitty · 09/04/2025 16:13

That's a bit silly of him. Since he has no rights to live in your house (which he lives in rent-free), tell him if he's not going to share bills, he has 24 hours to move out and take all his stuff. I suggest you swap the controlling cocklodger for an actual lodger who pays rent.

Hankunamatata · 09/04/2025 16:16

Ok so he has gone about this totally the wrong way BUT
What is the issue with your son and your partner and chores?

Dinoswearunderpants · 09/04/2025 16:20

That's disgusting behaviour. I would counteract his argument and provide a rental/lodgers agreement. Wonder how much it would cost him to rent a room in a house? Might be worth finding that out.

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 09/04/2025 18:02

My partner has big issues with my children. My last daughter is living with my ex husband/ but mostly with boyfriend and I miss her dearly. She doesn't get along with partner probably due to diagnosed autism. My son is a mellow teenager who has to be prompted several times to do chores ( dishwasher and rubbish) but overall he is a nice person.

My partner has his own house,in fact several that he rents out...I am not allowed to live in any of these , "because of my kids".
I understand his point of view that he doesn't want to provide for children that are not his and he doesn't feel respected by them. However knowing that I run of money this behaviour is cruel. I told him that his expectations are so high that I can add a unicorn to them. Apparently it made him upset.

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 09/04/2025 18:04

As previous posters have said....get rid of the cock lodger. He's financially abusive and you don't need it

steff13 · 09/04/2025 18:06

I mean he needs to pay you his share, which I assume is a percentage of the total charges for the number of people in the home. But if he moves out can you afford to pay the bills on your own?

dothehokeycokey · 09/04/2025 18:11

Fuck me op kick him out now and don’t put a man before your dc ever again

literally tell him to piss off

waot for him to go to work tomorrow or go out,pack his shit up and text him that it’s on the doorstep and to post the key through the door.

no conversation about it.

I would NOT tolerate someone who slags my kids off

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 09/04/2025 18:29

Unfortunately it is me who goes to work five days a week and comes home around 7pm exhausted. I will not make it without his help.Mortgage,bills, debts ( sadly...). Child benefit only. I have checked other benefits and it says I am not entitled to anything else. Working too much I guess and owning the flat... I saved up for deposit from my own money 9 years ago.

He probably wants to get out of this relationship because for years I would love us to get a house rather than living in a two bedroom flat. I wanted to be married, but he says it is on me how I discipline children. Daughter is an adult in two months and already has her own life, so it should not be a problem.

I think I am in pieces a bit.

Really appreciate the tough replies above.
Leaving work now and I'll try to talk with him about the money once I get home, but I learnt that it probably only will cause argument with me crying etc. and my boy asking what is the matter.

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 09/04/2025 18:44

If you shift him out, you will be able to claim a discount on your council tax, as your son is not yet 18. (I know you miss your daughter dearly, but as she is now legally an adult, it would have complicated matters.)
It's not as if you're making him homeless.
Simpler than hassling him to divvy up his share!

nomas · 09/04/2025 18:45

Have you checked what benefits you would be entitled to if he moves out?

Crazyclover · 09/04/2025 18:57

He absolutely needs to go, he is a controlling free loader

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2025 19:05

Are you really sure his contribution is what is keeping you solvent? If he pays begrudgingly, it wouldn’t surprise me if he negotiated a monthly payment that is less than what it is actually costing you to have him in your house.

arcticpandas · 09/04/2025 19:08

Why oh why are you with this horrible person who treats your children like shit?

Semiramide · 09/04/2025 19:16

You got the mortgage 9 years ago, presumably because the bank thought you could afford it. So why can't you carry it on your own again?

Why did you think it was a good idea to move this man into a 2-bed flat (!), seeing you have 2 growing children of different sexes?

Why is their father not paying maintenance? What steps have you taken to pursue this?

'Sadly' (?) You have debts. What's that about?

Time to get rid of the controlling freeloader cocklodger and take charge of your life.

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 09/04/2025 19:30

Semiramide. I was lucky to get mortgage 9 years ago that was arranged by a lovely mortgage broker after banks laughed at me ( single mother, low income etc). At that time I had child maintenance and tax credits. Now the child maintenance is very small and I have to chase the ex-husband through child maintenance service. I have checked and I don't qualify for anything else except child benefit.

I moved him in because I longed for a family again, but it just didn't worked out as I hoped.

Debts are from living basically on one wage and a bit. I have never been to Spain etc on holiday. Until three months ago I was driving a 21 yrs old car that I bought 18 yrs ago. My partner bought a newer one 11 yrs old for me and I pay him back monthly. I have thought it was caring, but I am confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 10/04/2025 18:26

Thank you all for your comments. It helps to see how others feel about it it. I have spoken with him yesterday that it's unkind and cruel to withdraw his share of money for bills.

He has his reasons as stated above, but I think this is more about that he is not a man who can commit, so it's a way of slowly breaking up with me. He has never commit before to previous partners and I assume never will to me. Although I am his longest relationship so far.

It just not easy and it is heartbreaking. Feels like manipulation and controlling me. Wish I was strong, but I am too soft and will continue for now ( if he decides to pay his share) but I am also slowly withdrawing.
Maybe I do deserve better, but I am just unlucky with relationships.

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 10/04/2025 18:56

@LovingTheSunnyDaywhy does he think he can live anywhere for free ?

Semiramide · 10/04/2025 19:00

If you are still paying him for the car, stop doing so until he pays you what he owes you.

I hope the car is in your name!

But really, just rip the plaster off and get rid of him. It’ll be better for you and your children.

and NEVER, ever think that the scraps this man has been giving you is all you deserve!!

NB: Women Who Love Too Much is a useful book you might consider reading.

Daisy12Maisie · 10/04/2025 19:01

I’ve said this on many threads like this. My lodger pays me £650 a
month. She is lovely. Really sweet and quiet.
She buys her own food. She is from spare room.com
So if he is playing less than that i would tell him to leave, get a lodger and focus on your children and whatever else makes you happy seeing friends/ hobbies/ relaxing at home. He doesn’t get to decide whether to pay bills or not.

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 11/04/2025 09:27

So today is my birthday. I am at work as usual. I thought he has sent his share so we had a pleasant evening yesterday not discussing anything. I just got message from my bank that direct debit will be reversed. So I have checked my account and there is nothing from him. I have sent him a screenshot of the message. He has sent me a sad face emoji.....

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 18/04/2025 09:22

Came back from work yesterday and he was gone, all his stuff gone. Just left. Didn't send me any money..... Didn't say a word. Left me a chocolate egg on the table with "to me, love..xxx". Life sucks

OP posts:
nomas · 18/04/2025 10:25

LovingTheSunnyDay · 18/04/2025 09:22

Came back from work yesterday and he was gone, all his stuff gone. Just left. Didn't send me any money..... Didn't say a word. Left me a chocolate egg on the table with "to me, love..xxx". Life sucks

I’m sorry OP Flowers

It’s tough right now but this is best for you, he is not a good man, and you deserve much more.

Tootiredtowhat · 18/04/2025 10:31

Speak with Citizens Advise to make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

I would also recommend you speak with Christians Against Poverty for debt management advice. You don’t need to be Christian to use them, and they give great advice. But if your debt is unsustainable they may be able to help you.

He sounds absolutely awful and unkind. Best of luck to you.