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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing bills

62 replies

LovingTheSunnyDay · 09/04/2025 14:53

This is a strange thing to ask others, but I am so confused. My partner of 7 yrs didn't pay his equal bills share in April. I was waiting politely but I had to ask yesterday because there is a big biannual flat maintenance fee for me to pay ( mortgage is mine). I had no money coming from my child father since Dec and despite working 40h a week I eventually run out of funds to cover it... My partner said that this is to make me more stern with my teenage son and to allow him to cut off the broadband, when my son doesn't do his chores on time. I am so sad, confused and feeling like I am held at ransom. How can he put me in this situation? I am told he will not give me any money, but I really can't go without his share. He agreed to paying ( reluctantly) his share yrs ago and isn't it normal to share bills when living together. He can afford it, but this is apparently to make me change. Why this feels so so wrong? Am I right that it's wrong?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 18/04/2025 10:37

He’s done you the biggest favour of your life - why you prioritised a man who treated your DC poorly over then I will never understand.

Please learn from this and raise your bar. Your poor son has had years of his life with this wanker under his roof pulling all the strings with you too weak to stand up to him.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 18/04/2025 10:41

Is the car in his name? Is he liable to take it from you?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/04/2025 10:48

I'd tell him to leave. Nobody would blackmail me, which is what he's doing. He's an excuse for a man.

Bonjovispyjamas · 18/04/2025 10:50

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/04/2025 10:48

I'd tell him to leave. Nobody would blackmail me, which is what he's doing. He's an excuse for a man.

He's already left.

Blackcountrychik83 · 18/04/2025 10:59

Looks like the trash took itself out and your son didn’t need to do that chore after all .

What a horrible , selfish man .

One day you will realise he did you a favour . For now try and enjoy your bank holiday weekend and focus on your kids .

Lurker85 · 18/04/2025 11:18

You let him drive your daughter out of her family home and didn’t make him leave instead? Time to forget about him and concentrate on your kids. They won’t forget all this sadly

TwistedWonder · 18/04/2025 11:25

Lurker85 · 18/04/2025 11:18

You let him drive your daughter out of her family home and didn’t make him leave instead? Time to forget about him and concentrate on your kids. They won’t forget all this sadly

Edited

Shocking isn’t it the number of women on MN who prioritise a dickhead bloke over their own DC and continue to chase them rather than be happily single and rebuilding their relationship with their kids.

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 10:29

@Lurker85 I was always shocked by that. Myself being left with grandparents when both parents went separate ways to their new lives, and my mother last seen me when I was 6. However, life is not black and white and my daughter going to dads where she had her own room rather than sharing with brother in my flat, was heartbreaking but she wanted to go. And after partner agreed to pay half of bills I agreed to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 10:35

He has told me that he is standing his ground. Sticking up for himself. He feels disrespected and can't let my obnoxious children to have no respect for him. He has also said that he does it to shake things up and to make me realise that he needs the respect and that for years I have done nothing about it. I tried.

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Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 10:48

Yesterday we had prearranged dinner with friends. He told them that he moved out because we have problems related to difference in parenting. They apparently insisted on visiting and he arranged for it at his place ( but he took the food from my place when leaving,that we were going to cook together). He wrote to me that they are coming to his house and I am welcomed or I can do my own arrangements with them. I wanted to see them so I drove there but felt like I was disrespecting myself. It went ok with them and we avoided talking about our problems.

I stayed after but it was so painful, because I see that there is more to it than children. I explained that he is tormenting me and I have to borrow from a friend. But nothing. He said I only want him for paying bills - the most ridiculous thing to say... We cuddled,kissed and I left asking what about Easter, the only longer time off I have, whole four days of. But he was needing his space where he is happy and relaxed. So I am left hanging, with him telling me what changes we need to make. And angry with me that I am upset about not being able to pay bills.....

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 10:54

As per car it's in my name. But if there's no change in him within few weeks,I will just drive it to his and leave it to him. Don't want him feeling good about himself that he bought me car, so why am I upset. I still have my oldie ( I bought it 18 yrs ago) that barely passed mot last year but hopefully it will be ok.

I have to say that I thought about selling that car and using the money. But that's spiteful, isn't it??

OP posts:
1dontunderstand · 19/04/2025 10:56

He is financially abusing you. He doesn't love you, and why would you want to be with someone who obviously hates your children?

My mum married a man who had contempt for me and my siblings. My brother ended up in care as a teenager and our relationship with our mother never recovered.

TwistedWonder · 19/04/2025 11:04

So you continue to chase a man who calls your DC obnoxious? I can not believe you not only entertain a man who speaks like that, you romanticise him like he’s Prince Charming.
The first time he disrespected your children was the day his bags should have been packed.

FFS give your head a wobble and prioritise kids over cock.

This place never ceases to amaze me with how low the bar is set and how in 2025 women still pander to useless fuckers

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 11:05

Maybe you are right. He says it's his last resort for making me realise that he is not happy with lack of respect.

But he is cold and thought quite smitten with himself despite telling me that he also feels unwell and stressed. Only two weeks ago we had a lovely weekend with great very long walk on the moors ..... He actually said that it was a very good time.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 11:07

As I said earlier he moved out because I answered to his "love you" on Thursday morning - it doesn't feel like love...He got apparently very hurt.

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Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 11:08

@TwistedWonder I also find that horrible and hard to forget.

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TheAmusedQuail · 19/04/2025 11:09

Let this man go. If he stays with you, he will continue to control and abuse you and your children.

If he goes, you can apply for benefit to help you afford your bills.

TwistedWonder · 19/04/2025 11:10

LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 11:08

@TwistedWonder I also find that horrible and hard to forget.

But still you chase him - get a grip ffs

He's an abusive cunt and yet hes got you dangling on a string putting him before your DC

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 11:16

@TheAmusedQuail I can't. I checked this. I only get child benefit. Maybe once you are in 40h job with a mortgage you don't get anything else. Actually it said that I can get £3 week for helping with mortgage. You don't get housing benefit, universal credit etc.

OP posts:
TheAmusedQuail · 19/04/2025 11:29

LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 11:16

@TheAmusedQuail I can't. I checked this. I only get child benefit. Maybe once you are in 40h job with a mortgage you don't get anything else. Actually it said that I can get £3 week for helping with mortgage. You don't get housing benefit, universal credit etc.

This is strange. I have a good friend, single mum, one child, works full-time with a mortgage. Obviously, I don't know how much she gets but she definitely gets benefit top up of some sort.

gottakeeponmoving · 19/04/2025 11:31

You will get single person discount for Council Tax.

gottakeeponmoving · 19/04/2025 11:33

Sell your old car. Why do you need 2 cars?

Watermill · 19/04/2025 11:44

He owes you money so sell the car. Block him on everything. He’s a very nasty piece of work.

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 11:49

@TheAmusedQuail I have just run it through entitled to. £12.7/week universal credit if my daughter moves in( I will have to sleep on the sofa, only two bed flat). And £0.0 in situation now, just me and DS.

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Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 12:01

@gottakeeponmoving My old car is worth only £200-300 .. So not much.

@Watermill I start seeing it this way. Definitely not decent, despite always being perceived by others as such

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