To think I'm not the only one who went to heal and now doesn't want a relationship at all

[Justkeepswiimming]

Probably a stupid question but I want to hear other people's perspectives. I've been out of my marriage for five years. I'd been with him for my whole adult life and couldn't imagine life without him. When our marriage ended I always imagined there would be someone else. Another husband even or at least long term partner. I spent a lot of time reflecting on what went wrong in my marriage and my part in that, and at first believed I was just healing myself so I could be better in any future relationships. But 5 years down the line, I've moved quite strongly into the camp of not wanting anyone else. I have a 7yo dd. I don't want anyone to complicate that. I don't want anyone complicating my life or peace of mind. I'm really not interested. I haven't got the room for someone else, nor the interest in finding them. I know I can't be the only one who has come to that conclusion but I'm surrounded by people who keep saying that I will 'change my mind' or 'I will find the one'. Nobody can see my point of view and think I'm just being stubborn and pig-headed rather than seeing it as my preference. A choice.

Who are these people and why does their perspective matter?

I’m with you 💪🏻

Right now everything is in your control and as you want it. Make no apologies for that! Your DD is only 7. These are precious years. If you want to have those with her without the potential complications of someone else then that’s perfectly admirable.
i find people who are always promoting finding someone are those people who believe that someone else is the source of their happiness because they are deeply unhappy/insecure with themselves.
Reading your OP gave me the opposite sense. Go you!

You're not unreasonable OP.

I've been on my own longer than you. I've found that while DS is at school and I am working as only breadwinner, I didn't want anyone either. I am busy, enjoying raising my child and fulfilled at work. I don't have time for a new relationship.

Maybe when DS has left home, the mortgage is paid and I have time to focus on a relationship, I'll look again, but right now, what would a man add to our lives?

@Meadowfinch well exactly this! That's exactly my thoughts! I cannot see what someone could add.

Well close family. My sisters, close friends. I don't agree with them, and they won't sway my thinking but it is nice to hear from other people who feel the same way. I sometimes feel like I'm being made out to be stubborn for the sake of it, if you see what I mean.

I think we’re just conditioned to think you’ve got to be with someone & if you say otherwise it’s as if you either don’t know your own mind or you’re just being stubborn or difficult even in some way. I think like a PP said that the ones that deny your feelings the most on this are literally incapable of conceptualising themselves (& anyone else) as individual separate beings who don’t need another person in order to be happy, or even just to be. I think when they say it it’s well intentioned but similar to the talk that can happen when women voice not wanting children or don’t want another child. People try & tell you that you’ll come round to their way of thinking soon enough as if there’s a universal code of how everyone must be & feel. Herd mentality I guess. It’s frustrating! I think it’s bcos we’re social animals & at a primal level isolation isn’t good for us. But you can feel horribly isolated & alone when in (an unhappy) marriage or relationship & yet somehow that’s considered more socially acceptable than your own true wellbeing. Sod what others say & think! Do what makes you happy & don’t apologise for it.

I have a friend who divorced; ten years ago they split and she said she would never be interested in anyone else (she is a practising catholic which I think is part of it). I said something soothing at the time like things were raw now and never say never but she was adamant. A decade on she’s still happily single. Go your own way OP!

I am 13 years on and have not and have no intention of ever having another relationship. I don’t get the ‘you’ll change your mind’ thing as often these days but it does happen. But I just have zero interest in it. I like my own space and my own company, I don’t have any desire for sex and I’m much happier alone than I ever was with a husband.

Oh yes a woman couldn't possibly be happy unless she has a man in her life. What a load of sexist bullshit. I think women in general are happy without a man to complicate things. Enjoy your single life!

At this point in my life, a man would be in direct competition with my sense of peace.

Statistics support that women are better off alone.

Speaking entirely for myself, there is an element of trauma or fear that would make me stay single in future. I am conflict averse and find it difficult to assert myself around people. This means a partnership ends up being a pain in the arse for me rather than a comfort because I feel stifled. Maybe if I properly healed and was able to stand my ground in future I would feel differently

Me. Four years on and I can’t imagine being with someone again.

I saw a thread the other day about what your partner needs to feel loved, and a poster said that they have a policy of hugging each other when they wake up and asking how one another slept. Just the image feels suffocating to me. It reminded me of how I’d get it in the neck if I didn’t kiss my ex hello or goodbye.

I want to be able to do things without interference, or expectations on me. Life is frustrating enough as it is.

Physical affection can be lovely… when I feel like it. Most of the time I don’t. Some people just aren’t suited to relationships.

I got the ‘you’ll change your mind’ nonsense too. After 8 years I haven’t. When challenged by me asking ‘what do I gain by having a man?’, no one can give me an answer!

It took me 2-3 years of being alone and healing before I started to feel like I wanted to move on and meet someone new.

I have stayed single for 15yrs, as DC very young when she split and i’ve focussed everything on raising them. Youngest is 17 now and I have dated someone from work, even though not officially together anymore (he is a sole parent of 2 much younger kids) there is still something there. But I was adamant i’d never be inviting a step parent into their life, as that’s what split my ex and I, things went sour with him and my eldest son. I don’t regret this decision. I have a fun and busy life. I did enjoy dating guy at work and there’s a lot of chemistry there, but I don’t want to be a step mum to younger kids when my 3 all grown up now. So for now, I just enjoy the flirting as been little of that. The only man in my life is my beautiful dog, and no-one could be more loyal or loving. Who needs a man anyway, only ever caused me problems. Focus on your daughter. I don’t regret my decision to do the same. Especially as I witnessed the upset when ex moved in a woman and her 15yr old son, that DD had met twice!

YANBU. I'm happily married, but if for some reason I became single, I would have absolutely no intention of finding another partner. I think it's very odd that people would think you were stubborn amd pig-headed for not wanting to.

Doesn't matter if you change your mind or not, OP. You will or you won't.

I think there is a problem with both parties trying to call it and label it. "I won't ever have a partner again!", "You'll definitely have someone again!".

Why try to set rules about it, or label it? Why feel the need to do that? It doesn't matter either way. Do whatever makes you happy in the context of your life in the moment.

It's weird for either of you to be putting your foot down about it and trying to set things in stone.

I’m with you. I was single as a lone parent for about 10 years and happily so. I have had a partner for 5 years now but we haven’t moved in together it’s been perfect whilst DD and his DS were going through puberty exams etc. So even if you do meet someone you can do well to live apart.

I divorced over 11 years ago, had one relationship post divorce and have now been single by choice for 8 years. I haven't stubbornly decided to stay single, I simply have no interest in having a relationship. I can't see it changing because I'm the most content I've ever been.

Don't feel pressured into conforming to the expectations of people who lack the imagination to see a different way of living as a perfectly valid choice.

I know a number of folk who divorced years ago and never really wanted another relationship. Or if they did have one it ended in disaster or just fizzled out. This not able to live happily without a partner theory is simply not true for a lot of people.

It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks nor understands that you don’t need a partner to be happy or fulfilled. You are content as you are, bringing your dd up, sounds like bliss to me.
Meeting another single parent means juggling everyone’s needs or finding someone without kids who doesn’t understand your dd’s priority in your life would be very painful and frustrating for you and dd.
When anyone questions your happiness and contentment, I would just smile and tell them you’re happy and living your best life X

It does matter though. It matters because I know my mind better than other people and basically being told I don’t is patronising and annoying. It matters because people try to set me up with men, or try to convince me that I just need ‘the right one’. It’s infuriating.

@TheOriginalEmu exactly that. Like I don't know it now, because I am hurt and not ready for a new man. But things will change, better times will come dear. Nooooo the best times are now! With my dc. Clean toilet (children cleaner than man yes) no snoring, no discussing anything, no man moods, no middle aged unwashed body that keeps wanting more from me, nothing of the sorts. Just my life, my decisions, I am middle aged myself and somehow my kind body has adapted to my brain and has no specials longings for male touch at all anymore, woooohaaa, love it , keeping it like this. Until dc move out, then hopefully I find a small apartment in an old folks home, with bff, playing bingo, biljarts, hot meals in the afternoon. No man, o no, no man. Maybe for the biljarts and drinking martinis, but then up to my small room, alone.
Cant wait.