To think I'm not the only one who went to heal and now doesn't want a relationship at all

[Justkeepswiimming]

Probably a stupid question but I want to hear other people's perspectives. I've been out of my marriage for five years. I'd been with him for my whole adult life and couldn't imagine life without him. When our marriage ended I always imagined there would be someone else. Another husband even or at least long term partner. I spent a lot of time reflecting on what went wrong in my marriage and my part in that, and at first believed I was just healing myself so I could be better in any future relationships. But 5 years down the line, I've moved quite strongly into the camp of not wanting anyone else. I have a 7yo dd. I don't want anyone to complicate that. I don't want anyone complicating my life or peace of mind. I'm really not interested. I haven't got the room for someone else, nor the interest in finding them. I know I can't be the only one who has come to that conclusion but I'm surrounded by people who keep saying that I will 'change my mind' or 'I will find the one'. Nobody can see my point of view and think I'm just being stubborn and pig-headed rather than seeing it as my preference. A choice.

Agree with @TheOriginalEmu The OP isn’t being being militant or pronouncing some finite edict about herself she’s just expressing her choice not to seek another partner. It’s the family & friends that refuse to accept it & continue to see you through the lens of needing to be coupled off, set up on dates, reminded that you’ll find someone, preached at for all the ways to find/not find another man. She doesn’t need that but the more she asserts herself the more emphatic it sounds & pple resort to saying you’re just being stubborn about it (bcos it becomes less about the issue & more about them trying to assert what’s “right” versus what’s wrong” about it. It’s exhausting. The literal definition of social pressure.

I’ve been on my own for five years and this exactly my perspective. I run my life how it suits the kids and me. Why would I endanger that?

I have to put my hands in my pockets to avoid the risk of punching the nose of anyone who tilts their head and says ‘and is there someone else in your life now?’

Its not worth getting into it with people OP. If they tell you you will change you're mind, just say "maybe, but not anytime soon" and shut the conversation down. Because, in truth, none of us know what tomorrow will bring. Some people do change their minds. Some don't. There's no point in boxing yourself in to a fixed position on it. The most important thing is to be happy with the way your life is right now.

Pple advising her it’s ok (for now) & not to make any hard & fast rules about it - are still implying she doesn’t know her own mind! Even if you mean well. Even if you think that people can often change their minds or their circumstances can change. Just accept her decision! Why does the metaphorical door have to be left open if she that’s what she wants? What about validating her agency? Of course nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, equally any of us cld get run over by the proverbial bus. It’s patronising & as though you know better than her if you say it. She’s a grown adult able up make her own decisions.

It's always nice to hear from like-minded people! Thank you all for replying.

Do you say that to people who are married?
Can you imagine if I said ‘got out of that marriage yet? No? You love him? Yeah but that won’t last, you’ll get sick of his boring jokes and want be alone soon!’
and then when they said no this is forever
‘oh but never say never! Don’t box yourself in!’

see how rude that is?

I don’t blame you at all. I’ve never been married and don’t have children and I’m starting to wonder if I even want to get married at this point in my life, or live with anyone! I like my life and don’t have the energy for all the muppets that seem to be ‘out there’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are decent ones, but none are crossing my path and I’m not going to settle just so I can be in a relationship.

You misunderstand me. I'm not giving advice for life. I'm suggesting how OP manages the conversations. She has discovered that stating her intention to remain single leads to lots of comments she doesn't want. I'm suggesting a way not to box herself in to a position where this will happen. Because really, it doesn't matter, does it? Married people who believe themselves happy at a point frequently do seperate and remain single. Single people do change their minds. Its really not necessary for any of us to commit to a life long position to our friends either way.

I'm with you op. I've gone through the same healing process and come out the other side stronger and with a different perspective on partnerships etc. I am happy to be single and enjoying it whilst I'm not actively looking for a bf/p I haven't dismissed it as a possibility. I'm just happy where I am 🤷‍♀️ and after all I've gone through that's a miracle I'm very grateful for.

How old are you, OP? Because if you’re young, say under 50, perhaps people think you can’t possibly know what you’ll want for the next 40 years or so hence them telling you “you’ll change your mind”. You’re obviously not unreasonable to want to stay single right now, for any reason, but it’s not an unusual assumption to make that you may revisit this stance in the next 4 decades.

Ok, I see your point…up to a point. But no one tells married people they might change their minds, and badger them to change their minds and try to set them up to end their marriages. So it does matter in respect of not being told I don’t know my own mind over and over again. That’s why it’s annoying.

and do you think it’s not unreasonable to tell married/cohabiting people they might change their minds, as they are happy ‘for now’?

Seven years divorced and happy alone. Physically shudder whenever I think about sharing my life with someone. Lots of people have a problem with a woman staying single. Not sure why but it’s their problem not yours and you don’t have to justify yourself.

Would you say the same to married/coupled-up people? That they don't know what they want for the next 40 years? It's insulting and it still relies on the ridiculous notion that actually the default, the normal is to be in a couple.

Sorry, x-post TheOriginalEmu

I’ve been single over 5 years now and I can’t imagine living with a man again and tbh even the thought of dating doesn’t really appeal.

My dad gets really upset that I don’t have a man to ‘look after me’ - I’m 58 ffs!

I do miss sex I won’t lie but it’s not worth the grief of dealing with a man just for the occasional shag

To be fair, it doesn't tend to come up in the same way for married people. They've entered into the contract so it's assumed their intention is 'till death us do part'. The OP is telling people she intends to remain single, hence the conversation happens. Certainly people do tell married people their relationship may not last on the rare occasions the subject comes up. Any thread about cheating/seperation will find posters telling people they don't know for certain whether their partner or they themselves might cheat at some future point or they might tire of each other, despite their protests to the contrary. Because in reality, over the course of a lifetime people DO change their minds.
I agree single people get a lot of pressure though.

She’s only telling people because they ask if she’s met someone new. My point is that it isn’t brought up to married people because people assume they know their own minds and intend to stay married. So why can’t you assume a single person who says they intend to remain single also knows their own mind?

I imagine it's because being part of a couple is seen as the norm. The majority of people seem to want it, and so are projecting.

11 years single here. Got divorced. Had a few more relationships some lasting a couple of years. Then took a break. Then got busy with other stuff. 11 years later here we are. Do from time to time feel a bit lonely but mostly ok. Have a dog which helps. Just waiting for the last of the peri menopause sex surge to fuck off so I can live in peace.

Dogs, netflix, icecream, books, sunshine in the conservatory. Retired early fifties, own house, savings.

I don't hate men at all and sometimes I wish my life had worked out differently.

A combination of being ok on own (with dog), fear of being hurt again, can't be bothered with hassle, being middle aged and knowing dating will be difficult, too many men addicted to porn or can't pick due to so much choice on online dating.

My world is safe and predictable and I like it that way.

Both sides have their advantages and disadvantages but it is fine to choose to be single whatever your reasons and there are plenty of us out there so you are not alone.

”you might not stay married forever so be financially independent” is basically a catchphrase on MN.

Yes, but mumsnet isn’t the real world. People don’t say that to each other totally unsolicited at a dinner party in front of other people for instance. Or to people they barely know at a soft play centre.

I’d imagine that’s why too. And it’s bloody irritating. 😂

I’m exactly the same and aside from a FWB relationship that lasted a long time, I’ve been single for 11 years. I can’t and won’t put myself in the position that I might be hurt the way I was by my now ex husband. I get sick to death of people saying “get out there”, “you’ll find somebody” and not accepting my answer that I don’t want to! Some people can’t be on their own. I really enjoy it. I’ve got an AuDHD young teen and I wouldn’t want any disruption for him either. Be happy I say!

I think good happy relationships are phenomenal but also rarer than we like to pretend. There is nothing, nothing, nothing worse than an unhappy relationship. Being happy in yourself is golden. Xx