To wonder why saying so nicely doesn’t work?

[wherediditgonow]

I’m not trying to open up a debate on gentle parenting. I don’t particularly ascribe to it but something I have noticed is that DS (4) doesn’t listen to me or take any notice of me unless I get quite annoyed.

So take today for instance. We left an activity and he went ahead and was sitting right in front of the door waiting for me and DD(2) to catch up. I said something like ‘DS, move away from the door please, if someone opens it it will hit you in the face.’ Two more polite instructions like this and then when I snapped ‘DS - MOVE!’ he did so.

I’ve tried just ‘DS, move please,’ calmly and it doesn’t work, just doesn’t pay any attention.

We had to do some shopping in town and it was all the same - doesn’t do anything unless you show annoyance. So it feels like I’m always annoyed with him but I honestly don’t know what else to do.

Just try giving short, direct instructions for a while. If that’s where he is, either meet him there or get frustrated.

Blokes don’t like too many words when being given an instruction.

Sometimes we use such complicated language with little ones. They really are still learning and benefit from helpful, simple instructions. Things like clapping to get attention and then simply stating (without endless reasons) what to do can really help them understand.

It's not that you should never explain why, but really think about what your communication goal is. If it's for him to follow an time sensitive order, then issue one. You can talk about why another time.

Too many words to process.

Instructions too long and vague.
Even DS - Move is a bit vague. Move where? In what direction. I find they tend to just get even more in the way.
Try clear, short instructions in a firm but calm manner. Channel your inner teacher. And make sure you frame it as an expectation not a question. Use thank you not please.

I’d probably open the door and let it bash him a bit and say “whoops. That wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t sitting there.” Then carry on with my day. It’s not the end of the world.

You can give short clear instructions in a firm but kind tone. Something like 'DS - move here, thank you love', but fairly loud so it gets his attention and with a tone that suggests I'm not asking. Like a pp says, think how a reception teacher would say it. If that doesn't work, I would do the same as you lol. They've only themselves to blame if they've been asked nicely

Think if it this way: its age appropriate to give short, direct, commands when they are too young ir too self absorbed to notice their surroundings.

Then they get to the stage of asking “why” for everything. Thats not a challenge to your authority it is a developmental stage where the explanation “you are inconveniencing other people “ or “you will get hit by the door” comes into play.

What worries me is it doesn’t seem to matter how you say it or what you say because he isn’t engaging or paying any attention.

I will try being more succinct. I’m conscious I probably subconsciously say things for the benefit of other parents too.

You are in for a very, very tough time. It really isn’t as complex as you seem to think it is.

I used to get criticised for instructing the kids like I talk to the dogs. But they all listened!

Tone. Brevity. Consistency.

What she says.

This.

Short clear and with a listen now tone.

Honestly, short sharp no-nonsense instruction 'Move please. Line up please. No talking thank you ' - and then you can be lovely and kind and approachable again.

Worked really well with my own kids when little, my scout group of 4/5yos & a troop of 11yo this weekend 😂

I have tried that. It’s as if no one has spoken, no sign of a reaction at all. If it wasn’t for the fact he’s had hearing tested I would worry about that.

@PinkElephantsOnParade2025 I am already having a tough time but thank you for the reminder I have many more years of it.

I agree with others that short clear instructions are needed. Also a little processing time.

Also make sure you are talking to him. Not from another room with your back to him, or ever his head. It might be why the sharp tone us getting through if he isn't sure until then that you mean him.

Also I think my husband trained our chikdren to only respond if he was sharp. It was like they knew he really meant it then, and just waited till he meant it.

I did this with my DS too. I'd bark "Leave!" if he was picking up something I didn't want him to have. It did work although like OP I did feel that people might be judging me as being unduly harsh. But he paid attention, and that meant he was safer. I don't see what's wrong with continuing a protocol that is working for them, OP can modify her method as her DS gets older.

With my DS, it didn't help that he had language processing disorder (as part of ASD) so longer phrases didn't work as he couldn't process the words in the time frame he had. His receptive language skills did improve as time went on but it wasn't easy at the time.

Could you phycially touch - so you have his attention ie quick tap or movement to get it - or make a short sharp noise to get it - a clap a sound - and ideally get eye contact?

I had to get DS attention before issuing commands - though he had glue ear -intermittent hearing problems- though even after that cleared up you had to get his attention first.

Mine wouldn't process the long sentence or understand what to do with "move". Move where?

Start with his name, pause a beat, brief and clear. Channelling your inner teacher is how I think of it.

Responding to tone of voice and emotion rather than the words perhaps? Calm voice means all is well, no need to do anything different.

Wtaf?

ffs that’s APPALLING parenting!

poor kid

I have a five year old and a seven year old and I feel very similar OP. It drives me demented that they just seem to ignore me when I speak to them nicely, even when they are literally looking right at me. They seem to only do things when I get cross. DS is particularly bad for it (the seven year old).

I don't have an answer I'm afraid. I've tried the short clear instructions. I've tried getting on their level, and making sure they are looking me in the eye. I've tried rewards, I've tried consequences. I've tried count downs and timers, and picture charts which show now and next. I've talked to his teachers. I've talked to him, til I'm blue in the face it seems. Yet I still end up yelling at him to put his shoes on after telling him five times in a row. It seems to be a mix of utter obliviousness and determination to do what he wants, regardless of who is speaking to him. I hate getting cross with them, I feel like a horrible parent barking orders at them. But it's the only thing that seems to get through.

Why? Did you misread my post and think I said I was slamming his fingers in the door?

I agree start with the name. Nice and loud and clear. Then a short instruction.

Make it clear if they don't follow instructions they will be treated like a younger child, hand held, less freedom, less choice/decisions until they can listen properly.

Can you try communicating you and he must be looking at each other when you are talking, so you say his name wait till he looks at you only then you give instruction, that initial step may take a little while for him to learn, you may have to use his name in a sharper tone to get attention till he is used to it, or use a few treats to bribe him, but we did that and it seemed to work, goes both ways if i was say on phone and not looking at them they would address me and wait till i looked at them as they had my attention.

Yet I still end up yelling at him to put his shoes on after telling him five times in a row.

What have I asked you to do - ( check if he forgotten - an issue with my DC and memory)

If they know - have you ? Why not - or do so/I'm waiting in calm but firm voice.

If they don't remember- put on shoes - and get them to repeat it back to you - what did I say - get them to repeat - now do.

You can also try picture lists - laminate - and get them to tick off- tasks to do - hae one for upstairs and one for down by door - check list of have you done x and y before leaving house.