To wonder why saying so nicely doesn’t work?

[wherediditgonow]

I’m not trying to open up a debate on gentle parenting. I don’t particularly ascribe to it but something I have noticed is that DS (4) doesn’t listen to me or take any notice of me unless I get quite annoyed.

So take today for instance. We left an activity and he went ahead and was sitting right in front of the door waiting for me and DD(2) to catch up. I said something like ‘DS, move away from the door please, if someone opens it it will hit you in the face.’ Two more polite instructions like this and then when I snapped ‘DS - MOVE!’ he did so.

I’ve tried just ‘DS, move please,’ calmly and it doesn’t work, just doesn’t pay any attention.

We had to do some shopping in town and it was all the same - doesn’t do anything unless you show annoyance. So it feels like I’m always annoyed with him but I honestly don’t know what else to do.

@PeriPeriMam thank you and I kind of hope so. A lot of my friends say their kids are the same. Maybe it’s just because I take DS out a lot so I kind of notice it in situations where I feel I’m not really in control.

With small children you have to physically mirror what you want them to do.
DH would sit on the sofa say " upstairs, it's bath time" 5/6 times
Nothing
Because he was saying it was bath time whilst sat on the sofa not making any move to go upstairs
Totally conflicting signals

So "DS move away from the door," reach for his hand and move him

Keep the barking orders for emergencies!

As PPs have said. Too rambly and vague for a small child to necessarily be interested in listening. “Move” doesn’t really mean anything.

“DS! Run to me!”
”DS! High five”
”DS! Come and see this!”

I find pauses/ intake of breath gets attention much more effectively as my 3 year old is waiting to hear what I’m going to say. Rather than ignoring me because I’ve said his name too many times in a situation.

Sometimes, for safety you’ll have to move him. But much less frustrating for both of you to distract him away from the door rather than issuing orders all the time that fall on deaf ears.

To add, I KNOW it’s hard sometimes. I have a 3 year old!

To add, he used to run infront of me and I always worried about doors to outside etc. Now we play “follow the leader” and he enjoys it so much, following my trail like a duckling 😂

It works for me now; however I've instilled / reinforced good manners and behaviours from a very young age. Plus it's reinforced at their school.

I'd try touching him firmly on his shoulder and then once you've got his attention ''Thomas, move please''.

I'd also try making it fun. ''Beep Beep Thomas, coming through!'' in a light, fun tone. Maybe throw in a tickle.

my 6 and 4 yr old have learnt that mummy asks nicely 3 times. After that she asks not nicely and possibly chucks in a consequence. When I get to the third time they get reminded this is the last time I’m asking nicely. It actually seems to be working as they will now do it the third time. Still wish they would just do it the first time!

My kids are similar, I think often it's just that they are distracted and don't pay attention to what I say. It's fine to tell them "MOVE" from time to time, you don't have to explain the why every single time IMO.

But what tends to work for me in those situations, is to use the command voice to call them out and get their attention only.
So in your situation, I would say "CHILD NAME! Move away from the door because XYZ". I don't waste my time ending the sentence if they haven't acknowledged me when I call their name.

Similarly if I give instructions, I ask them to confirm they understood what I said until they say "yes" (or "no" if they disagree but I don't let them just ignore me).

This is the principle of 123 Magic
Mine would sigh and huff but do it when I said 1 ..😂

Is he only just turned four or nearly five?
If he is young, how long has he been out of reins? (Did you use reins?)

Perhaps the issue was that he was too far away from you in that moment, so you couldn't physically grab his shoulder to move him. Reins would have prevented this, but even at just-four he is getting too old for them.

A consequence in the moment could be that he now has to hold your hand and stay beside you for five minutes.

Another issue as a previous poster said is that your voice is 'white noise' if you are constantly giving him instructions. Try absolutely minimising the number of things you tell him to do. In other words, make sure you are not 'helicoptering'.

Do you have any other concerns?

My autistic DD who is now 10 doesn't listen to anything unless its sharp and short-like you might speak to a dog. (She is very complex) her 8yo autistic sister (less complex and with language) would also appear not to listen. I always watched with wonder when other parents called their DC and they actually turned round straightaway...

I'm not saying he is OP but it is one of the traits. So is not linking X with Y such as consequences like not going to the park...and also being less bothered by the park...

All this.

This is what I was going to say. I found with DS (later diagnosed with ADHD) that putting a hand on his shoulder and saying I need you to stop/get dressed now worked better than shouting.

If he was the other side of the room calling his middle name was a useful tactic, but I often did need to make physical contact to get him to pay attention.

Why? Child is unhurt but has learned by safe demonstration not to stand behind doors because it's dangerous. Way more likely that lesson will stick and avoid serious injury.

I repeat this instruction daily to 30+ students in primary, and a small minority take it on board. It's a common cause of bruises and bumps. I wish more parents were proactive!

Yep, you’re using far too many words.

Sounding angry might ‘work’ but often DC comply with that because they are scared, and this is really bad for development and relationships. Their brains desperately need oxytocin not cortisol.

There are other ways to get their attention - being fun (BEEP BEEP), when/then (when you put your shoes on then we can play football).

Highly recommend How To Talk so Little Kids will Listen, and Hunt Gather Parent. If you are struggling these books will make you life so much easier and parenting a joy.

Worth exploring your own anger - kids are annoying but getting annoyed is optional. Deep breathing and regulating your nervous system is life changing.

P.S gentle parenting is a misleading name, it is about firm and unwavering boundaries. Try researching respectful parenting instead.

works on husbands too

as does smacking them over the nose with a rolled up newspaper🤣

And by that time he’ll have been hit in the face by the door.

A short sharp “DS! MOVE!” gets him out of the way and then you can explain the whys and wherefores after. Or he’ll work it out for himself.

I watched a woman go through this whole malarkey at the station recently. 5 minutes later when my train came in she was still at it. What a waste of everyone’s time and energy.

My main concern is the blanking me @bettydavieseyes . It probably is bad parenting on my part, I just haven’t found the books helpful and it doesn’t seem to matter what I say or how I say it, it is like no one has spoken. And it is affecting our relationship, because I feel like there’s no real reciprocation or understanding.

It’s a bigger picture than these individual moments. If you have no SEN concerns then it’s sheer disrespect. All kids can be a bit daft and have selective hearing. But the extent he’s ignoring you, completely blanking you, suggests to me he doesn’t respect you or think you’re worth listening to. Do you have a tendency to go on and on or to constantly pick him up on stuff that doesn’t matter? He’ll just tune you out if you do.

my 3 ½ year old smacked into a lamppost today because he wasn’t looking where he was going on his scooter. I saw it was about to happen and I didn’t shout. He was pootling along slowly and in no real danger. He got a fright and toppled over. I said “oh dear, see what happens when we’re not looking around us carefully?” He got up and carried on and that was that. I’ve called for him many times before and saved him from a clattering. Sometimes they have to get clattered to learn. It’s ok to step back a bit.

What if you say something really good in his eyes? Eg 'DS, sweeties!' 'DS, Bluey!' or whatever he likes. Does he pay attention then?

The behavior of Kids this age can’t be labeled with adult terms like “respect/disrespect”—this leads rapidly to abuse to cow the child into an automatic, terrorized, response. I would revisit the SEN/ADHD or auditory processing disorder possibility as day dreaming, abstraction, and inattention are potentially features. Your little boy sounds sweet but inattentive or unaware—especially in challenging complex/noisy social situations. Try not to take it personally. I am sure he loves you and wishes to comply.

Could there be an element of auditory processing difficulty?

This.

All the gentle parenting stuff I read relies on endless words and explanations.

But little ones need you to speak clearly in as few words as possible and then to shut up so they can process what you said.

It's so annoying, isn't it? No advice, just solidarity. My oldest is nearly 9, and I find the phrases 'are you listening?' And 'stop ignoring me' quite useful. My youngest is far more likely to actually be in the present moment to hear instructions, so there's definitely an element of it's the kid not the parenting.
When I was younger I did genuinely not process what people said if I wasn't expecting them to speak to me, so it's probably me my eldest gets it from.