To wonder why saying so nicely doesn’t work?

[wherediditgonow]

I’m not trying to open up a debate on gentle parenting. I don’t particularly ascribe to it but something I have noticed is that DS (4) doesn’t listen to me or take any notice of me unless I get quite annoyed.

So take today for instance. We left an activity and he went ahead and was sitting right in front of the door waiting for me and DD(2) to catch up. I said something like ‘DS, move away from the door please, if someone opens it it will hit you in the face.’ Two more polite instructions like this and then when I snapped ‘DS - MOVE!’ he did so.

I’ve tried just ‘DS, move please,’ calmly and it doesn’t work, just doesn’t pay any attention.

We had to do some shopping in town and it was all the same - doesn’t do anything unless you show annoyance. So it feels like I’m always annoyed with him but I honestly don’t know what else to do.

Do you specifically call his name first? "Jack, please move away from the door"? And does that help at all?

You say it seems like he doesn't hear - is that because he's focusing on something else entirely?

I don't like jumping to ND at the age of 4 but this could have been DS. And it would even go further - sometimes I could see he was listening, but he wasn't hearing if htat makes sense. It was like I was speaking in a different languge.

In his case, at least part of this was processing issues as a result of SPD and inattentive ADHD. It's very difficult to manage it at this age though so more something to watch and keep an eye on. And yes, we ALSo were sent off for a hearing test for the same reason at a similar age. He did get speech therapy for a while when a bit younger - not so much for his own speech, but to help him process verbal language - and it helped a bit, but not entirely.

@katmarie thank you … it’s so very frustrating and I feel like I spend my days on a loop of getting ignored. I guess ultimately if they are not listening it doesn’t really matter what you say.

You don't have to go as far as getting cross or annoyed. You just need to channel your inner Sergeant Major parade ground voice.

He ignores this I am afraid. Just doesn’t seem to care.

I find it ironic that your thread is about not being listened to and half the responses are from people clearly showing they haven't read it properly.

It’s all about your tone of voice. It doesn’t need to be ‘annoyed’, and it definitely shouldn’t be ‘sing song’ nice. It needs to be firm, strong and full of intent.
A fine balance, especially in the moment.

I’m fairly certain I do use exactly that tone of voice and it just doesn’t elicit any sort of response, very frustrating.

At 4 I’d tell him once and then physically move him out of the way with a short “away from the door” instruction. I really can’t be doing with negotiating with pre-school kids.

It can work in some situations, not others, today for instance I was quite a way from the door and there were a few other people there. So it was hard getting through.

Say his name first, in quite a peremptory way, to get his attention, before you say what you want him to do.

If he doesn't do it, say his name again then 'what did I ask you to do?', that'll tell you if he's taking in the instruction or not.

Also you could try saying what you do want and not what you don't want - eg I couldn't say 'don't run' to DS, all he'd process is the 'run' part. So I'd have to say 'please walk'.

We still laugh that every.single.time DH takes DS to a sports lesson he says <name> and then in quick fire
Have you got your cap?
Have you got your water bottle?
Have you got your shoes on?
Half the time he has not got shoes on! He's 15!!!

Conversely when he does not have a lift, or any reminders, he arrives on time, with appropriate kit !

But yeah I remember when he was about 5, "put your shoes on" could somehow be translated as "Take your clothes off and go in the garden!"

“Move away from the door please”
if he asks why you can explain further.
if he doesn’t do it, repeat in a firmer voice and give a potential consequence if he ignores you .
if he doesn’t do it give the consequence.

The saying his name thing … I get stressed that people must know it within minutes of us arriving somewhere.

’Thomas.’
’Thomas’
’THOMAS!’

Obviously ‘move away from the door please’ is a reasonable polite instruction hence the thread title. My worry is it goes unheeded and ignored.

Forget about what other people think. You need to communicate with your child in a way he can hear and act upon.

That is why I’m posting. An earlier poster said that I need to use his name and I’m explaining I use it a lot, to the point where I wonder if everyone knows his name within seconds of arriving somewhere.

Possibly you're using it so much, it's lost its power?

You are white noise to him, OP.

yes possibly. Need to figure out how to actually make him listen.

work in some situations, not others, today for instance I was quite a way from the door and there were a few other people there. So it was hard getting through.

I ended up keeping mine close to me in those situations because he couldn’t/wouldnt follow instructions. A quick “you need to hold my hand” soon stopped him messing around - if he listened he could go on ahead a little, if not he had to stay next to me. It’s rubbish but such is life.

Ah I see I thought you meant you hesitate to keep saying his name.

In that case ,have you tried renaming him? When DS didn't listen sometimes I'd call him something random and it'd filter through to him - he'd register it was my voice saying something weird, like 'Prudence Archibald come here' would get his attention when his actual name didn't. Worth a try?

The problem is @Jellycatspyjamas he wouldn’t listen to that either (which is how he ended up in front of me) just ignores me and goes off. I know it sounds like I’m being a bit obtuse which isn’t the intention, it’s just really hard because he seems to filter me out.

Doesn’t respect you.

You need consequences...

Eg "If you don't move now then when we get home there will be no colouring/favourite toy/playing in the garden/whatever he will care about."

He has developed selective hearing because there are no consequences to him ignoring you.

Assuming he is reasonably intelligent he should soon start to notice that if he ignores you then life is not as good. But it will take at least three months to really bed in.

AND you have to ALWAYS follow through and be consistent. Don't say right you get no favorite toy for the rest of the day then cave in and give it back to him after 30 mins. Best to say no toy for 30 mins in the first place.

He will then respect your warnings and pay attention.

I think the day he gets hurt is when he will get it op. Unfortunate as that is. But don’t feel bad, a lot of kids are like this and I would say it’s quite normal

I'm probably too old here, and my kids are in their 20s. Difference in parenting now is that honestly 25 years ago nobody was surprised that their little ones didn't listen much. We all expected to need to be much more directive and issue commands. I get the gentle parenting ethos, my daughter does it and aspects of it are fantastic, but sometimes you just have to issue a command and not negotiate. And sometimes that means shouting.

Also, REALLY showing my age here, 25 years ago, we probably wouldn't have beaten ourselves up about it. You sound like a great parent, doing your best, and nothing wrong here.

I haven’t found consequences effective. I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong but a lot of the time I don’t have an immediate one and by the time we get home or whatever the moment has kind of gone. And he has never seemed to marry ‘we’re not going to the park because you did X.’ I guess because maybe going to the park isn’t a massive treat, it’s a nice thing to do but I don’t think he sees it as something very exciting or a special treat.