Are you friends with your DCs partners parents?

Venusspoon · 2025-04-07T19:16:23+00:00

I don't think my parents met my in-laws until just before we got married and only really at official events after that but my sons future in laws want us to be besties and I'm finding it hard. They seem lovely but are complete polar opposites to myself. I'm socially ridiculously awkward and they are the life and soul of the party who are the last to leave the pub and enjoy holidays at party resorts and have a huge group of friends. They are keen for me to attend nights out and large group meals with their family and many friends and I am struggling! I am the only family member still around on ds side so it's always just me and it's a lot. Aibu to ask how you would deal with this as I don't want to appear rude.

Arran2024 · 07/04/2025 20:20

My daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for 6 years now and I have never met his parents. They aren't too far from us either. My husband bumped into his mum at a Park Run once, that's it. I'm quite content for this situation to continue!

ipredictariot5 · 07/04/2025 20:24

I would defintely try to pursue friendship but tell them you aren’t a big party person. Grandchildren might come along and it’s much easier for everyone to get along

HenDoNot · 07/04/2025 20:26

You’re the only family member your DS has got?

I’d suck it up and make the effort every now and then tbh before they take the hint, stop bothering to invite you, and you find yourself having some very lonely birthdays, Christmases, etc, especially if grandchildren come along.

Original poster

Venusspoon · 07/04/2025 20:40

HenDoNot · 07/04/2025 20:26

You’re the only family member your DS has got?

I’d suck it up and make the effort every now and then tbh before they take the hint, stop bothering to invite you, and you find yourself having some very lonely birthdays, Christmases, etc, especially if grandchildren come along.

To be honest although we have always been very close as there's just been the two of us for years he's dropped me like a stone since he has had a girlfriend anyway so I'm not sure I'd notice any difference.

I spent my birthday on my own last year because he wanted to spend the night at his girlfriends, he went out new year with their family, he spent his birthday with them (we have always done something together) and although he did spend Christmas with me he was going to leave me Christmas day to spend the day at a pub meal with them.

I'm just not fun like them!

I have made an effort and gone out with them, it's just not my scene and I find it really uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Laiste · 07/04/2025 20:58

I feel like you have a separate issue here wrt your son's lack of consideration for you as soon as a girlfriend is on the scene.

However to stick to your original point, i sympathise with you about wondering how much you need to actually be friends with DC's long term partner's parents.

And while we're here - what the hell do we call them?! Is there a shortened version of what their relation is to us? 'The kid's inlaws' i suppose. Anyway ...

It's a weird one. There's a fine enough link between you and your own inlaws (the link = you're shagging their son!) but we all try to get on and make it nice. Babies come along and it all gets very deep ect. but the baby bonds everyone. Sort of.

Then just as your child grows up and you and your inlaws are getting older and it's all old hat, your child finds a partner and you suddenly have a tenuous link with these whole other people again (link = your kids are shagging!) and it's hard to care who they are but you feel you should. If there's a wedding it's all about remembering their names and hoping they are normal you are similar people and just wanting it all to go smoothly.

Then grandkids come along and you can't ignore their existence any more really. Best mates though? Nooooooo. One of my kids inlaws are keen to be matey. It is tricky ... The other set are happy to be friendly when needs must and it's perfect!

Toddlerteaplease · 07/04/2025 20:58

My parents get on really well with my sisters husbands mum. She stays with them occasionally.

MaryGreenhill · 07/04/2025 21:03

No certainly not

CarpetKnees · 07/04/2025 21:04

No.

I mean, I'm not not friends with them. I've met them (separately) a couple of times, when we've both called on them at the same time, but we don't socialise together. They seem very nice and we got on fine the only time we spent an hour together.

Nor did my Mum and Dad and my in-laws.
Nor did my Mum and Dad and either of their other dcs' in laws.
Nor do most people I know where I know enough about them to know this.

Doesn't mean people don't get along fine at the wedding / future Christenings / future children's birthdays. Just means you are individual people with your own friends and your own things you enjoy doing.

Smartiepants79 · 07/04/2025 21:19

My parents and in-laws are quite good friends since they now live 10 mins away from each other. They are very different people but have found enough in common to form a bond. They have lunch together without us that kind of thing!
They made a big effort with each other during lockdown -walks alongside each other etc and it really changed the way my mum saw them. They have a shared hobby also now.
If I was you I would be trying to make an effort to go at least occasionally.

familyissues12345 · 07/04/2025 21:25

DS has been with his gf for 2 years and we haven’t met her mum. I did suggest it would be nice, but DS said she isn’t as chatty as me 🥴😂!

My in laws and my parents first met not long before the wedding (we’d been together a year). I think they’ve seen each other a further 2 times in 17 years…

Gogogo12345 · 07/04/2025 21:30

My DD has been with her husband for 12 or 13 years now. I've met his mum on 3 occasions ( first time at the wedding) and twice since Once was at kids birthday party and the other at DDs house

Never met his Dad.

Feel no need to be friends with them

Shirtless · 07/04/2025 21:34

Surely if you’re old enough to have an adult son, you can work on overcoming ‘social awkwardness’? You don’t have to be dancing on tables, but it sounds as if your cutting yourself off from a lot of life.

LocalHobo · 07/04/2025 21:42

It sounds like your DS's future in-laws are conscious that you are missing out on family times with your son and that is why they are keen to include you. I think that is pretty thoughtful of them but it is your choice as to wether you accept invitations.
Since you comment that you felt lonely on significant dates I would suggest you try and get along with them.As Shirtless says, you could work on your awkwardness and tbh, if they are 'party people' they won't need you to be the same. Just go with the flow or accept you may spend Christmas, birthdays etc. alone.

2Rebecca · 07/04/2025 21:42

If you don't want to socialise with them you just say thanks but no thanks to the invites. You don't have to attend all or any invitations you receive

Wolfpa · 07/04/2025 21:43

I have been with my partner for 15 years and our parents have never met.

RosesAndHellebores · 07/04/2025 21:44

DS's wife's mother sent me a FB request before they were engaged. I asked DS to explain that my FB had about 14 friends, some of whom I went to school with and was a largely private group. I compromised and invited her to LinkedIn.

They are nice people but I think privacy needs to be preserved fir the DC. We met when they got engaged, when planning the wedding, at the wedding. We send Christmas cards.

DD's boyfriend's parents want to be friends and I knew them socially before they got together through church. We are maintaining a reserved stance because we reserve the right of the children to maintain personal boundaries. We are anticipating an engagement. They will be harder to keep at arm's length than DIL's parents not least due to shared friends, schools, etc, and they are geographically closer.

We like both sets but they are not and should not be our besties.

My mother and MIL would have scratched each other's eyes out if they had met beyond weddings, christenings and funerals.

StartupRepair · 07/04/2025 21:55

DS has been with his girlfriend for about 6 years. We have met her parents a few times and have enjoyed it each time. They live a 5 hour drive away but over Christmas we were all in the same town and met for a nice lunch with both families. We will probably never be in each other's pockets but I think we like and respect each other. I love seeing how at ease DS is with them.

TrickyD · 07/04/2025 22:36

Assorted relationships with DSs’ in-laws. (Or out-laws as no marriages).

DS1 has a son who is half Brazilian and though we rarely see the Brazilian grandparents we keep in touch and are very fond of their extended family.

DS2 has been with his delightful partner for about six years, She has no kids of her own but is adored by DS2’s other children. Her family are part of the large Italian community in our town and we see her parents fairly frequently and we are invited to big Italian “do’s”.

DS2’s three children are more complicated.

His eldest son was born when he was 20. The mum had no wish to prolong the relationship so we did not meet this grandson until he was 19. He introduced himself to his dad, who brought him to meet us and he has been a very close and much loved member of the family ever since.

Unfortunately his mum has absolutely no desire to have any dealings with us or his father. Fair enough. But we are very friendly with his grandad, father of his mum. The mum now has two daughters. She and her husband did a fantastic job bringing up our eldest grandson, we are so lucky. We have never met the little girls.

Finally DS2 also has two younger children who are half Saint Helenian (a very remote island in the Atlantic) and we are very fond of their other grandparents who live locally and the kids dote on their big half brother.

So we have quite a diverse selection of in-laws and now we also have DGS’s Cypriot girlfriend in the mix. Thank God everyone likes each other, hence we regularly take any of them who want to come on family holidays and they pile in here for family meals.

We are indeed very lucky.

Original poster

Venusspoon · 07/04/2025 22:53

Shirtless · 07/04/2025 21:34

Surely if you’re old enough to have an adult son, you can work on overcoming ‘social awkwardness’? You don’t have to be dancing on tables, but it sounds as if your cutting yourself off from a lot of life.

I'm extremely autistic so it isn't as straight forward as that but I am trying honestly!

I have actually been out with them already. They seem lovely. Being in a very noisy venue where I knew no one (DS buggered off) was very challenging.

OP posts:

Bikergran · 08/04/2025 06:59

Can you maybe arrange a meet up for a coffee just with the wife and say you really appreciate their friendship, but that you suffer from social anxiety and you find big gatherings very stressful? Maybe invite them on their own, or just with your kids, for a meal out, at a quiet restaurant you are familiar with? That way it's clear you're not being deliberately antisocial, that you do want a relationship, but it has to suit your needs too.

OpalMaker · 08/04/2025 07:08

Why don’t you just say you’re not for the party life, but you’d love to go for lunch/brunch/out for a roast with them one weekend?

I understand you feel like your son has dropped you, but if it’s just been the two of you for a long time, perhaps he’s just excited and embracing the feel of a busy and sociable family. If they all love him too, and want to be around him and include him, you can’t really hold that against him, surely?

Perhaps you’re not a drinker or a party person, but presumably these people also eat and exercise, so you could suggest a nice walk and lunch at a cafe or something.

I think you’re unfairly framing this as being “dropped” by your son, when by your own admission, you’re introverted and prefer not to do stuff. He just wants to be embraced and included by his partners family, and they seem to want to do that!

SALaw · 08/04/2025 07:09

My in laws and parents get on well and are in each other’s company via us a few times a year, but they don’t socialise together away from us or anything. Relatives of my in laws became best pals with their son’s wife’s parents and they socialised together all the time for years. Then when the son and wife had a bitter divorce it was horrendous for them and they basically lost a whole circle of pals. Better to keep a friendly distance in my view.

OpalMaker · 08/04/2025 07:12

DS's wife's mother sent me a FB request before they were engaged. I asked DS to explain that my FB had about 14 friends, some of whom I went to school with and was a largely private group. I compromised and invited her to LinkedIn.

Good grief, is there any wonder some of these kids are desperate to be embraced and welcomed by other families?! 🤣

Never read anything like it.

MarchInHappiness · 08/04/2025 07:15

DD lives 10mins down the road from her partner's family, every weekend they have a big family dinner. I live two hours away and when I come to stay her PIL always invite me. For Christmas they gave me a very expensive bottle of gin, which was very lovely but unexpected. It didnt even occur to me to buy her PIL a present.

My PIL lived abroad so only met my parents a handful of times (generally special occassions).

SpanThatWorld · 08/04/2025 07:20

My son's girlfriend has lived with us for a year. Her mum lives about 15 mins walk away
She and I bumped into each other outside my house, said hello, exchanged a pleasantry or two and that was that.

OP - i hate big loud gatherings and swerve them. I know people love them but they make me feel uncomfortable and stressed yet there is always an assumption that I'm grumpy and ungrateful. I don't invite people to come and sit in a library.