Are you friends with your DCs partners parents?

[Venusspoon]

I don't think my parents met my in-laws until just before we got married and only really at official events after that but my sons future in laws want us to be besties and I'm finding it hard.

They seem lovely but are complete polar opposites to myself. I'm socially ridiculously awkward and they are the life and soul of the party who are the last to leave the pub and enjoy holidays at party resorts and have a huge group of friends.
They are keen for me to attend nights out and large group meals with their family and many friends and I am struggling!

I am the only family member still around on ds side so it's always just me and it's a lot.

Aibu to ask how you would deal with this as I don't want to appear rude.

My daughter's partner's parents are nothing like us. We like music, cooking, cinema, reading, current affairs, our dogs. They are only interested in sport. Fair enough, but I think we could not connect and it would be really awkward for everyone. My daughter keeps telling me I won't like her partner's dad as he is into practical jokes and passive aggressive comments. And so I'm not pushing it. I have friends - I don't need new ones.

Yes this is like dh family vs mine.

Think one side like music and tattoos and theme parks. One side like walking holidays, rambling and hate tattoos. One side will say how they feel and accept a debate, the other will make snide remarks and look down their noses and beat around the bush.

😂

Seriously though, I don’t know why they would need to.

It would feel very weird if they met and decided to all be friends. Not that they wouldn’t get along, I’m sure they would, it’s just there’s been no natural way of them meeting, and getting them together for the sake of them meeting just feels unnecessary. My ‘parent’ is in his 90s, he just wants to watch telly 😂

How?
How have they never met?
Children's birthdays? Baptism? Wedding?

my parents met dhs parents after we had been together 3/4 years. We hosted a bbq and invited everyone. They got on fine but didn’t become friends, since then it’s mostly been special occasions so they have probably seen them 5/6 times in 18 years. We met dds bfs parents after they had been together around a year, got on grest. We have met up for joint family dos a few times and I meet with his mum for coffee/lunch a few times a year. We meet dd2 bfs parents shortly after meeting dd1s bfs it was a bit awkward as they clearly found it odd we were meeting. I’ve done lunch with dd2, her bf and his mum once since.

Your son has made less effort since meeting her which is a bit crap. If you want to maintain a close relationship I would attend family events and v bbc Eva part of things for your ds sake

When we were friends when younger we were still pretty old for parents to be meeting. No baptisms as no religion. Married abroad, just the two of us. We lived 2 hours away from them until fairly recently. Child 1 was born in Covid so no one travelled. My parent is elderly. He doesn’t get out much. His parents are 20 years younger but is quite infirm. His mum was a carer for her dad until last year. It’s just never happened. Never been a reason for it. We see our respective parents every week and they’ve got a close relationship with our kids, and us, they just don’t know each other.

I have one married and we're not friends, but I do know his parents. We live a fair distance apart but would call to stop by for coffee if in the area. So casual acquaintances?

My sister and her DH have become close friends with her son's in-laws. They go to the theatre, weekends away and we consider them part of the extended family. They were lovely to my mother in her final years and the friendship has enriched all our lives.

I think society doesn't cope well with single, middle aged women. It sucks, it's unfair, but sadly I do think that is just the way it is

This situation isn't like that at all though.
The OP has been invited to many things, but it is her that is turning down the invitations.

Just to be clear I haven't turned down many invitations, I went, I just hated every moment, not because of them but because very loud noisy party venues and being pulled on to the dance floor is not my thing as an autistic and also happily boring person.
It is there thing, they go to clubs twice a week, they were in Aya Napa last week. Good for them but it's my idea of hell and I'm struggling..

*Their I wish Mumsnet let you edit posts!

So invite them to things that aren’t loud party venues? Get them on your territory — have them over for lunch? It’s not a matter of being the last one on the dance floor or nothing, surely?

My parents had been married 40 years by the time my first grandparent died, and the two sets of parents only ever met three times. (They lived 3 hrs apart). Shame, in a way - I was there for two of the meetings (the other being the wedding) and they got on famously.

Why didn’t they meet more often, given how well they got on, @Elsvieta?

I was going to ask if this was a British thing, for parents of a couple to meet so seldom?

My parents and inlaws have met many times. Kids birthdays, baptisms, when our babies were born etc
They send each other birthday and Christmas cards.
We've been married 28 years.

I have a friendly relationship with my son's partner's parents. They've been here for dinner, we've been to them, we text and email sometimes, and send flowers for birthdays.

They may be making such an effort as they feel bad knowing you are alone on special occasions. I'd politely decline some of the invites but I would make the effort for some. I would probably plan something myself in line with what I actually enjoy doing and invite them along to that. You may find that they can do calm and relaxed too. A lot of party people also enjoy some down time.

Those were the only times my father's parents came south to where my parents lived (also the only time they ever saw our house); the rest of the time we always went north to see them instead of them coming to us. My father's whole extended family lived up there so that made more sense I suppose.

I don't suppose many people would go out of their way to cultivate friendship with someone who lives three hours away, would they, just because they got on when they met?

I don't think it's the norm among British people, no - but then most people don't move so far from where they were born, and the in-laws live closer. Whether the majority of in-laws see each other regularly - I don't know really. Some do and some don't, but I couldn't even guess at figures. I would say among the people I know, mostly no - couples tend to alternate between which family they visit or invite round.

In-laws aren't any more likely to get on than any other randomly selected people who are about the same age, I suppose. And the fact is, few people form close new friendships when they're old enough to have adult kids themselves. But yes, I think it kind of is a British thing to be less sociable than a lot of other societies, less keen on giant gatherings, less quick to introduce new people into the family circle. Go to Southern Europe and you notice the difference very quickly.