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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you friends with your DCs partners parents?

67 replies

Venusspoon · 07/04/2025 20:16

I don't think my parents met my in-laws until just before we got married and only really at official events after that but my sons future in laws want us to be besties and I'm finding it hard.

They seem lovely but are complete polar opposites to myself. I'm socially ridiculously awkward and they are the life and soul of the party who are the last to leave the pub and enjoy holidays at party resorts and have a huge group of friends.
They are keen for me to attend nights out and large group meals with their family and many friends and I am struggling!

I am the only family member still around on ds side so it's always just me and it's a lot.

Aibu to ask how you would deal with this as I don't want to appear rude.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 08/04/2025 07:41

I've just been to stay with my son's in-laws in foreign land for six weeks! They are really lovely and want to see me as an extension of their family and that is what I want from them as well. I don't want there to be a difference between us, I don't want them to be invited to things and not me or vice versa. I don't want the relationship my mum had with my mother-in-law where it was very stiff and stilted. I want us to be friends as they are their family of the woman my son loves and any grandchildren they have.

Original poster
Venusspoon · 08/04/2025 07:55

Bikergran · 08/04/2025 06:59

Can you maybe arrange a meet up for a coffee just with the wife and say you really appreciate their friendship, but that you suffer from social anxiety and you find big gatherings very stressful? Maybe invite them on their own, or just with your kids, for a meal out, at a quiet restaurant you are familiar with? That way it's clear you're not being deliberately antisocial, that you do want a relationship, but it has to suit your needs too.

I would definitely be up for that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Venusspoon · 08/04/2025 08:03

OpalMaker · 08/04/2025 07:08

Why don’t you just say you’re not for the party life, but you’d love to go for lunch/brunch/out for a roast with them one weekend?

I understand you feel like your son has dropped you, but if it’s just been the two of you for a long time, perhaps he’s just excited and embracing the feel of a busy and sociable family. If they all love him too, and want to be around him and include him, you can’t really hold that against him, surely?

Perhaps you’re not a drinker or a party person, but presumably these people also eat and exercise, so you could suggest a nice walk and lunch at a cafe or something.

I think you’re unfairly framing this as being “dropped” by your son, when by your own admission, you’re introverted and prefer not to do stuff. He just wants to be embraced and included by his partners family, and they seem to want to do that!

The dropped like a stone by DS was tongue and cheek really.
It was more a response to someone responding that if I didn't suck it up I'd be alone for life. I mostly already am.
As I said I'm aware I'm not the fun one and don't mind.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 08/04/2025 08:09

Friendly not friends.

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 08:14

Nearly 20 years together and our parents have met probably less than five times.

However if you want to be buddies and they want to be buddies you just need to try and find a way that fits you both. Maybe group meal out rather than a party, lunch trips.

Surferosa · 08/04/2025 08:38

I'm lucky in that my in-laws and parents get on very well together, particularly our mums. They give each other cards and presents and we all spend joint mothers day/fathers day/dc birthday* *and Christmas's together. Both sets of parents do a day childcare for us each and it's handy if they need to swap a day, they will just arrange it themselves with me the last to know!

My MIL also gets on very well with her other sons daughters family too and so do I! In fact when my BIL and SIL got married, my SILs dad mentioned me and my husband in his father of the bride speech that we were now part of the family too! I get on very well with my SILs sister, brother and her brothers wife and we are also in a group chat and I have her cousin on Facebook too!

I appreciate it's maybe not the normal for most people but I grew up with both sets of families knowing each other and getting on so for me I'm glad it's worked out well for me and my husbands family too.

My brother has a girlfriend who he has been with for about 8 years. Despite the fact he's close with my parents and sees them every week, they've not seem his girlfriend in about 2 years (no idea why) and my parents have never met her parents but that's just how it is for them.

LaPalmaLlama · 08/04/2025 08:47

DM and DMIL have an independent relationship via WhatsApp where they gossip disapprovingly about us 😂. DF and DFIL get on when they see each other but don't actively stay in contact. They generally all see one another at Christmas and DM and DMIL will see each other a few times in between as SIL and I arrange days out to do mum friendly things like Chelsea flower show and invite them.

stanleypops66 · 08/04/2025 08:55

My parents are friends with my in laws and my sisters in laws and our parents socialise together. I think it’s nice.

BananaNirvana · 08/04/2025 09:08

I really hope my boys meet people with sociable parents - I don’t get the weird attitudes of some of the people on this thread 😄

DinoLil · 08/04/2025 09:31

I was for 10yrs from when they met at 16 but they've split up now and I've not kept in touch.

Shirtless · 08/04/2025 09:33

BananaNirvana · 08/04/2025 09:08

I really hope my boys meet people with sociable parents - I don’t get the weird attitudes of some of the people on this thread 😄

I wouldn’t worry. Mn is full of people who struggle with relationships. whose main ambition is never to open their doors or get off the sofa, who regard the school run as some kind of torture, and regard friends as sources of ‘drama’. It’s not representative.

Surferosa · 08/04/2025 09:45

BananaNirvana · 08/04/2025 09:08

I really hope my boys meet people with sociable parents - I don’t get the weird attitudes of some of the people on this thread 😄

Me too. I understand of course there are always scenarios where two sets of parents don't get on or it's not appropriate for them to meet up etc etc.

What I find weird like you is, if there are no specific circumstances, this whole attitude of not seeing any reason to be friends, not seeing any point of making an effort and seeing making friends with your child's in-laws as some sort of burden and massive hassle. Yes of course some people might not get on but to just dismiss it offhand I find really particular especially when children are involved.

I have lovely photos and memories of my son sitting with both his grandmother's at a recent mother's day lunch and him walking ahead holding both their hands and I felt lucky to have that joint family relationship. My dad has also been recently for a major operation due to cancer and my in-laws have been so supportive to my mum, sending cards, texts and care packages. I think everyone would be missing out if one set had just decided to not bother making an effort or there was no need to be friends with each other. And I hope it's the same for us when our son is older.

ViciousCurrentBun · 08/04/2025 09:56

DH and I knew DS ex GF parents, the Mum and I went to lunch a few times. We each hosted BBQ in the summer. We were at the point where we were all going to meet up this summer in our respective motorhomes and caravans for a weekend at a campsite. Her Mum and I were not similar in many respects but both chatty and got on very well.

Original poster
Venusspoon · 08/04/2025 12:02

BananaNirvana · 08/04/2025 09:08

I really hope my boys meet people with sociable parents - I don’t get the weird attitudes of some of the people on this thread 😄

I don't not want to be sociable., I just don't seem to possess the skills to be sociable..😭

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 08/04/2025 19:51

I really like both my children's partners parents.
I too am alone and we have limited family here. I don't love big gatherings either, but we do all meet for kids birthdays and some holidays.

OP, you'll have to find a comfortable compromise. I'm sure there is some middle ground with the parents? Perhaps a lunch out with the kids, or an afternoon doing something fun?
The more you can find a common space, the easier it will be for you in the future.

Do you get on with your son's girlfriend?

I think society doesn't cope well with single, middle aged women. It sucks, it's unfair, but sadly I do think that is just the way it is

BananaNirvana · 08/04/2025 19:55

Venusspoon · 08/04/2025 12:02

I don't not want to be sociable., I just don't seem to possess the skills to be sociable..😭

Show quote history

I wasn’t meaning you tbh OP, I meant the PPs who are actively avoiding their in laws and even think it’s an invasion of privacy to have a relationship with them 😳😳

ScrewtopRose · 08/04/2025 19:57

We got married a long time ago without telling anyone first, to avoid the big day with difficult families on both sides. They’ve still never met. 😆

Pinkissmart · 08/04/2025 20:07

Shirtless · 07/04/2025 21:34

Surely if you’re old enough to have an adult son, you can work on overcoming ‘social awkwardness’? You don’t have to be dancing on tables, but it sounds as if your cutting yourself off from a lot of life.

Needlessly mean

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 08/04/2025 20:09

We are in our 40s, 2 kids. Known each other for nearly 30 years.

our parents have never met … I don’t think they even know each others’ names.

abracadabra1980 · 08/04/2025 20:13

Not BF, but we all know one another and are Facebook friends (for those who are on there). I like it. I like knowing the families is my DC's loved ones. It helps that I adore both families though. I'm not particularly sociable in my old age but I do relish a get together with any of them and I know our DC really love that.

RedPanda17 · 08/04/2025 20:13

Wolfpa · 07/04/2025 21:43

I have been with my partner for 15 years and our parents have never met.

Same!

Rocknrollstar · 08/04/2025 20:29

We have always been friends with our DiLs parents since we met them. We decided we wanted GC to feel as if we were one big family. We have been friends for over 20 years and support each other through whatever we have going on eg the death of my mother and their current ill health.

Original poster
Venusspoon · 08/04/2025 20:35

Pinkissmart · 08/04/2025 19:51

I really like both my children's partners parents.
I too am alone and we have limited family here. I don't love big gatherings either, but we do all meet for kids birthdays and some holidays.

OP, you'll have to find a comfortable compromise. I'm sure there is some middle ground with the parents? Perhaps a lunch out with the kids, or an afternoon doing something fun?
The more you can find a common space, the easier it will be for you in the future.

Do you get on with your son's girlfriend?

I think society doesn't cope well with single, middle aged women. It sucks, it's unfair, but sadly I do think that is just the way it is

Lunch or an afternoon out somewhere I'd happily do.

Yes his girlfriend is lovely. She's spends time here weekly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Venusspoon · 08/04/2025 20:36

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 08/04/2025 20:09

We are in our 40s, 2 kids. Known each other for nearly 30 years.

our parents have never met … I don’t think they even know each others’ names.

Edited

It really is one extreme to another in the replies!

OP posts:
Leapintothelightning · 08/04/2025 20:39

My mum and my in-laws aren’t friends and have no desire to be. They met for the first time when we got engaged. They are civil and make small talk when they see each other but they don’t talk outside of events with our DCs - dance shows, birthdays etc. I assume they’ll all be at DD’s first day of school.