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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not thinking

58 replies

seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 14:27

Long story short (ish)

Both families live fairly localish. Historically have spent more time with his than mine for various reasons until a few years ago when I lost my Dad. Now I have new family obligations, especially on Dads bday/anniversary etc etc.

Anyway, my husband accepted an invitation to Sunday dinner at my in-laws, without asking me or checking if we had other plans. Happens it it the same weekend as Dads anniversary. He should know this but it's also written in the calendar. His reply was that its no big deal and he can just tell his mum I had made other plans for us and he didn't know.

We had massive row at Xmas about a similar thing - him putting his family first without a second thought for me or mine. We worked through it and he understood that I had been feeling like an afterthought. Obviously didn't last long. I know he isn't doing it out of malace but I'm feeling hurt because a) he shouldn't have forgot the anniversary and b) he should at least think to ask me if I even want to go to dinner with his family. Didn't even check what plans we may have had.

I feel like whats happening in my life isn’t important to him and that I'm just like a dependable old wifey who will just drop everything to accommodate everyone else. Maybe I am. Just feeling a bit sad and a bit invisible. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 07/04/2025 15:00

If he's happy to change the plans with his parents, no big deal.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 07/04/2025 15:02

Gently, I think you're overreacting because it's an emotional time for you. He hasn't argued, he's coming with you, don't make this a bigger deal than it actually is.

YesHonestly · 07/04/2025 15:04

Gently, I think YABU.

He offered to rearrange as soon as you told him. Is it your dad’s actual anniversary on Sunday, or is it another day? If not I can see why he maybe thought it wouldn’t be a problem. You sound like you don’t like his parents very much, but he is entitled to want to spend time with them.

skippy67 · 07/04/2025 15:08

Yes, you're being unreasonable. He made a mistake, and fixed it as soon as you pointed it out.

Original poster
seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 15:09

Yes, I probably am being unreasonable but I would really love it if, just for once, he could say we have been invited by whoever to do whatever but what would you like to do? Or, wouldn't it be nice if we just did something together for a change without having to bow to either side.

I'm really exhausted. I just want someone to fully bat for my corner you know. To feel like he is saying, you are my priority and I'm at the very least, going to check in with you and not just override you constantly.

Thanks for the honest replies. Just feeling a bit meh x

OP posts:
Original poster
seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 15:10

YesHonestly · 07/04/2025 15:04

Gently, I think YABU.

He offered to rearrange as soon as you told him. Is it your dad’s actual anniversary on Sunday, or is it another day? If not I can see why he maybe thought it wouldn’t be a problem. You sound like you don’t like his parents very much, but he is entitled to want to spend time with them.

Edited

I actually really like them tbh. Spend enough time with them. Just wouldn't mind being our own little family sometimes

OP posts:
Changingplace · 07/04/2025 15:10

I know it’s hard when you lose a parent, but as your husband happily changed the plan once you mentioned it I don’t really think he’s done anything wrong here.

I lost my mum a few years ago, but I don’t really expect DH to actively remember the anniversary of her birthday etc, I know if I mention it he’ll be supportive or understand if I’m struggling a bit then but I don’t think I’d expect him to know unless I told him.

TheSandgroper · 07/04/2025 15:12

While I understand the emotion surrounding this occasion, if it’s a pattern of behaviour from him that you are never consulted, I would be unhappy, too.

IMO, he won’t change his habit until he is made uncomfortable enough to do so. How that happens is up to you.

Original poster
seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 15:13

Changingplace · 07/04/2025 15:10

I know it’s hard when you lose a parent, but as your husband happily changed the plan once you mentioned it I don’t really think he’s done anything wrong here.

I lost my mum a few years ago, but I don’t really expect DH to actively remember the anniversary of her birthday etc, I know if I mention it he’ll be supportive or understand if I’m struggling a bit then but I don’t think I’d expect him to know unless I told him.

Yes, I understand that and I probably am being unreasonable. I will say though that when he loses his parents, I know I will have any sensitive dates written down so I can try to help. I think he should do that at the very least?

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 07/04/2025 15:15

I'm sorry you've lost your dad; it must be really hard for you.

However, I don't mean to be unfeeling here, but I think YABU. He didn't realise about the date and as soon as he was made aware, he told his mum you had other plans. There's no problem here. I appreciate you think you should have been consulted anyway, but presumably since he had no issue just calling his mum and saying 'Sorry, we've actually got other plans I'd forgotten about' he could/would have also cancelled if you'd said you didn't want to go.

It would be a problem if he'd said 'No, I've told my mum we're seeing them now and she'll kick off if I say we can't come'. But that isn't what's happened; he understood and cancelled.

Also, and I say this gently - I honestly wouldn't expect someone to remember the anniversary of their partner's parents' deaths. I don't think my DP could tell you the anniversary of his own dad's death. It doesn't mean he didn't love his dad - it's simply that a lot of people just don't have any family tradition of marking those dates. Of course it's a huge thing for you and I completely understand why you're emotional but I don't think you can expect the exact date to be uppermost in your husband's mind all the time.

ginasevern · 07/04/2025 15:16

I honestly wouldn't expect my spouse to remember the anniversary of my mum or dad's death or birthdays. I really think that's a bit over the top (sorry couldn't think of a more suitable phrase). Does he override all your decisions OP? Do you have to share a lot of social activities with your in laws?

Bogginsthe3rd · 07/04/2025 15:19

Forcefully, I think YABU. He's immediately changed his plans when you pointed out his oversight and not only that, he's going to tell a white lie to keep his family happy. I think you need to realise that actually he's reacted in the perfect way and clearly supports you.

Original poster
seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 15:19

ItGhoul · 07/04/2025 15:15

I'm sorry you've lost your dad; it must be really hard for you.

However, I don't mean to be unfeeling here, but I think YABU. He didn't realise about the date and as soon as he was made aware, he told his mum you had other plans. There's no problem here. I appreciate you think you should have been consulted anyway, but presumably since he had no issue just calling his mum and saying 'Sorry, we've actually got other plans I'd forgotten about' he could/would have also cancelled if you'd said you didn't want to go.

It would be a problem if he'd said 'No, I've told my mum we're seeing them now and she'll kick off if I say we can't come'. But that isn't what's happened; he understood and cancelled.

Also, and I say this gently - I honestly wouldn't expect someone to remember the anniversary of their partner's parents' deaths. I don't think my DP could tell you the anniversary of his own dad's death. It doesn't mean he didn't love his dad - it's simply that a lot of people just don't have any family tradition of marking those dates. Of course it's a huge thing for you and I completely understand why you're emotional but I don't think you can expect the exact date to be uppermost in your husband's mind all the time.

Yes, all valid. He hasn't cancelled though. He said he can cancel and tell his mum I had made other plans. Making me the fall guy in other words. Its all subtle but just enough to make me feel like I'm the problem all the time - not that he didn't ask if I would actually like to go. It’s not really fair for someone to make plans for your whole day without consulting you first I think but maybe I really am being unreasonable 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 15:22

TheSandgroper · 07/04/2025 15:12

While I understand the emotion surrounding this occasion, if it’s a pattern of behaviour from him that you are never consulted, I would be unhappy, too.

IMO, he won’t change his habit until he is made uncomfortable enough to do so. How that happens is up to you.

Yes, just doesn't really think. It happens more often than I would like.

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 07/04/2025 15:26

seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 15:10

I actually really like them tbh. Spend enough time with them. Just wouldn't mind being our own little family sometimes

Show quote history

That’s fair enough, I didn’t realise you all saw them often. You aren’t being unreasonable to want some time alone as a family. I’m very sorry about your dad x

HenDoNot · 07/04/2025 15:34

He didn’t “override” you, he isn’t expecting you to “drop everything to accommodate everyone else”, you are winding yourself up with this type of commentary.

He has quite reasonably and understandably said he will cancel the plans with his parents.

zeibesaffron · 07/04/2025 15:34

I am going against the grain here I think he is unreasonable, whilst I would not expect my DH to remember significant dates (both my parents have died) he wouldn’t ever make plans for both of us without checking to make sure we were free.

I also think your DH has sort of made you a scapegoat- ‘I will tell my parents YOU have made other plans.’. He needs to rebalance his expectations here relationships do change when you loose a parent.

outerspacepotato · 07/04/2025 15:34

I think you're being unreasonable expecting him to remember the dates of your dad's birthday and anniversary, especially when you say he died several years ago.

Are these religious obligations you've taken on? Even if not, write them in the family calendar. Did you remind him at some point recently that you would be doing this? Clear communication is key.

Since he's willing to cancel, he's not being unreasonable. But, he also needs to be clear in his communication. He can tell his parents he has to check the calendar to see if you guys have something going on and he should be asking you before accepting.

Brefugee · 07/04/2025 15:40

why don't you cancel for both of you, since you get on so well, and say "oh sorry, he overlooked that i wrote in the calendar that we'll be with my mum, what with it being the anniversary and all. How about xx date instead?"

That way you aren't the fall guy?

couchparsnip · 07/04/2025 15:45

You are not unreasonable to feel like you do or to expect your DH to consult you before accepting an invitation.

Original poster
seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 16:24

Brefugee · 07/04/2025 15:40

why don't you cancel for both of you, since you get on so well, and say "oh sorry, he overlooked that i wrote in the calendar that we'll be with my mum, what with it being the anniversary and all. How about xx date instead?"

That way you aren't the fall guy?

Because I didn't make the plans with his parents so I shouldn't have to rectify them. This is kind of the thing I mean, always having to step in and make situations work and generally being made the reason why something can't happen, even if it was him who didn't check in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 16:24

couchparsnip · 07/04/2025 15:45

You are not unreasonable to feel like you do or to expect your DH to consult you before accepting an invitation.

Thank you. I appreciate that as I sometimes feel like I'm going mad

OP posts:
Brefugee · 07/04/2025 16:25

well if you're going to have that attitude, you're possibly going to look like the "bad guy" here and i thought you wanted to avoid that?

There is a conversation to be had with your DH about this. And you could always take the "nuclear" option of carrying on with your plans and let him make (up) excuses as to why you're not with him.

Original poster
seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 16:26

zeibesaffron · 07/04/2025 15:34

I am going against the grain here I think he is unreasonable, whilst I would not expect my DH to remember significant dates (both my parents have died) he wouldn’t ever make plans for both of us without checking to make sure we were free.

I also think your DH has sort of made you a scapegoat- ‘I will tell my parents YOU have made other plans.’. He needs to rebalance his expectations here relationships do change when you loose a parent.

Yes, scapegoat is a good word for it

OP posts:
Original poster
seasidesalt · 07/04/2025 16:31

Brefugee · 07/04/2025 16:25

well if you're going to have that attitude, you're possibly going to look like the "bad guy" here and i thought you wanted to avoid that?

There is a conversation to be had with your DH about this. And you could always take the "nuclear" option of carrying on with your plans and let him make (up) excuses as to why you're not with him.

Sorry, not really an attitude, I just don't understand why women always have to be the ones who plan the diary, organise the kids, book the appointments etc etc then on top of that, rectify the husbands mistakes. I think I probably am being unreasonable to a degree but if we keep on picking up the pieces for everyone and everything, where does it end. They have to take some responsibility too and by me phoning and fixing his mistake, he will expect it next time too. Perhaps I have done it for too long and that's why he is like he is.

OP posts: