Husband not thinking

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Long story short (ish)

Both families live fairly localish. Historically have spent more time with his than mine for various reasons until a few years ago when I lost my Dad. Now I have new family obligations, especially on Dads bday/anniversary etc etc.

Anyway, my husband accepted an invitation to Sunday dinner at my in-laws, without asking me or checking if we had other plans. Happens it it the same weekend as Dads anniversary. He should know this but it's also written in the calendar. His reply was that its no big deal and he can just tell his mum I had made other plans for us and he didn't know.

We had massive row at Xmas about a similar thing - him putting his family first without a second thought for me or mine. We worked through it and he understood that I had been feeling like an afterthought. Obviously didn't last long. I know he isn't doing it out of malace but I'm feeling hurt because a) he shouldn't have forgot the anniversary and b) he should at least think to ask me if I even want to go to dinner with his family. Didn't even check what plans we may have had.

I feel like whats happening in my life isn’t important to him and that I'm just like a dependable old wifey who will just drop everything to accommodate everyone else. Maybe I am. Just feeling a bit sad and a bit invisible. Am I being unreasonable?

no i totally get it. It is exhausting, and it is irritating that you will either have to do it yourself or you're made out to be the bad guy.
My suggestion was for this time: call them, cancel and tell them why and daft of your DH to have missed it etc. Then tell them to reschedule with him.

And then have The Discussion with him about checking the joint calender and that in future you won't be attending double bookings. (but again: if you don't tell people yourself why you aren't there, you run the risk of them thinking badly of you)

Agree that if it has always been like this, he has fallen into bad ways. Would it be worth telling him why it makes you feel taken for granted/ignored? And point out that if he now says to his mum that you're cancelling in favour of your mum how bad that paints you?

Also i meant to say: I'm really sorry for your loss. My own dad died suddenly more than a decade ago and i have had to prioritise my mum a lot. (but then: my DH lost his parents 40 years or more ago, and he totally gets it)

But you don't have to call them and you're not the bad guy, he will call them and he will take responsibility for not checking your plans. You didn't have any plans, but he should have asked you still and then you would have reminded him about the date.

I think a simple 'no dates in the diary unless they're checked first' would be a good rule for you both.

I have to admit I put things in our joint diary without checking first, because I know I always know if we're busy or not, but if my DH minded I wouldn't do it.

Yes, this really. I have lost my mum and my dad now, I really don’t expect my partner to remember the dates related to these things. I don’t remember his either tbh (both his parents are dead too). However if it matters to you that he remembers then he should know this and make more of an effort. Hope you are ok.

Ask him to ask you before confirming plans and you do same. Surely that’s normal?

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, OP.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, actually. The date was written on the calendar. It's hardly asking a lot to expect an adult to check the family calendar for a clash before accepting an invitation. And I think it's a shitty response to say he 'can' cancel if you want him to and, as if that's not thoughtless enough, he'll then tell his parents it's your fault he can't make it. Not looking at the calendar could be an oversight (but I get the feeling it's not), but a normal partner would say sorry and immediately rearrange dinner with their parents.

Did you consult him before making plans for the anniversary and check he was happy to go because from what you’ve written it sounds like you made plans for the 2 of you and then he made different plans for the 2 of you but you’re annoyed he made plans without consulting despite doing the same?

@MolkosTeenageAngst no, I hadn't made any plans for us. I only found out about the plans he had already made when I asked him if we should take my sister up on her offer of lunch. Then he said his mum had already invited us and he said yes. I rarely make any plans without speaking to him first because this has happened before.

He’s not the only one. I’ve now managed to deal with this, but it took a while and a couple of ‘explosions’ to drive the message home. Now he never says yes to PIL without checking with me.

You need to insist on this and he needs to know how upset you are. Basically you’ve got to train him.

I think it’s worth recognising that people deal with anniversary dates in lots of different ways, I personally wouldn’t dream of writing down the anniversary of anyone’s death, if I remember I remember but I actually actively try not to (even with my mum).

@Changingplace I understand that. I found the loss pretty traumatic and would love to forget all the dates but culturally for us it is a mark of respect to remember anniversaries/birthdays etc. If my mum wasn't still here then perhaps i’d be a bit more lax about it but I try at the very least to see her and mark the day in some way

If you can't go to something he's said yes to, would he go by himself? Or does he expect you to share the effort of socialising

My suggestion. Have a conversation where you say to him: don't say yes to anything before talking to me first. I will do the same for you (as you've said you do). Then, if this happens again, ALWAYS be busy if he agrees to something without asking. You may also want to cheerfully suggest he can go alone, but you're not available, and he'll need to tell whoever, make apologies etc. The penny may drop when action consistently backs up the message.

On the one hand you complain that it’s women who always have to organise a diary … then get annoyed when he arranges something.

My husband doesn’t even know the anniversary of my dad’s death, or when his bithday was. The last thing my Dad would have wanted was for any of us to “stop all the clocks” once a year.

While I get he should be checking with you for a multitude of reasons, I think, op, you are being unreasonable about your dad’s anniversary shaping your entire year.

Do you have dc? I ask as I couldn’t imagine having to work their lives around anniversaries. Gently, that’s neither healthy nor fair. I lost my dad 5 years ago. I miss him every single day. I don’t need a diary date to remind me to miss him. I always feel blue on the day itself but my life, nor that of my family, does not stop. It can’t. He wouldn’t want that at all.

FFS! He's happy to change plans - where's the problem?

I think you're confusing your husband for a woman if you're expecting that kind of thing from him!
It's something I would do, but it wouldn't cross my husbands mind for a second!

If he’s happy to just change plans with family no fuss then I don’t see issue. I have also lost my parents and I don’t expect my husband to know the exact dates off the cuff, I know if I asked him the dates and he had to think about it he would remember but if someone said ‘do you wanna do this on this date’ he’d probably say yes without putting 2 and 2 together

Honestly my husband never remembered his parents birthday's when they were alive. I always reminded him about Mothers day/Father's Day and pretty much organise all our social life but we are all different, he just doesn't walk round with these dates in his head. But he's a good man, a great husband and father to our children, works hard and we are his world so if a few diary clashes are the price I have to pay I will live with that.( He says yes to everything because he never knows what's going on).

I’m a person that doesn’t do dates - I miss my mum all the time, the actual anniversary is no different. I would probably not remember the dates when people died - maybe your DH doesn’t

I don’t know that I would necessarily always remember the dates of my in laws’ passing, or expect OH to remember mine. And people can forget to check calendars before committing to plans. We are all human. And he’s changed the plans without issue.
I won’t say Yabu because I know this is a vulnerable time and having lost my own mother only seven weeks ago I know I can feel extra sensitive about anything relating to her.
Obviously if he has form for this you need to chat about it but I wouldn’t assume he’s being deliberately ignorant.

I would say YABU - as soon as he knew he said he’d cancel those plans. I think if I asked DH when my dads anniversary was he would still get it wrong but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

He is going to rectify it though. He’s said he will, the problem is you aren’t happy with how he’s going to do it. I think you can’t have it all ways. Either he fixes the mistake he made however he chooses to or you fix it the way you want it fixed.

iME women are more sentimental and remember dates that men wouldn’t.

This.

YNBU I agree it often feels like women seem to be the calendar keepers, are expected to remember dates etc- even if they put them on a calendar for everyone to see.
We've had a few double bookings where he has agreed to things without checking our other responsibilities or commitments.
Even with a shared calendar hanging in the kitchen that I remind my partner to check for himself he would default to asking me. I would ask him if he checked the calendar... nope. Like I have all the details in my head 🤷‍♀️
I understand how you are feeling, like his PA and it's just another mental load for you that he doesn't consider.
By saying that to his mum, it makes you look a certain way. He should be apologising to you for not being more sensitive to the anniversary and letting his mum know you can't attend as it is the anniversary and he'd forgotten.
While you might be a bit more sensitive atm, I agree it can feel like we are expected to remember things that they aren't and if it makes you feel a certain way you should talk to him about it and put things in place to try to preempt/avoid it in future. The fact he is ready to do what you want and understands it's important to you is a good start. Have a chat about the importance of family time for you too.
Sorry about your loss.

Sorry I think you’re overreacting here OP.

DH, DC and I all use a shared calendar on our phones for all events, appointments, tickets etc (DC only when wanting lifts!) - easy to check at all times. That said both of us would normally say “yes looks ok but I’ll just check with DH/DW and confirm”. Sorry for your loss but like some others I really would not expect DH to remember anniversaries of loss, I have these in my personal section of the calendar. Works for us xx