Husband not thinking

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Long story short (ish)

Both families live fairly localish. Historically have spent more time with his than mine for various reasons until a few years ago when I lost my Dad. Now I have new family obligations, especially on Dads bday/anniversary etc etc.

Anyway, my husband accepted an invitation to Sunday dinner at my in-laws, without asking me or checking if we had other plans. Happens it it the same weekend as Dads anniversary. He should know this but it's also written in the calendar. His reply was that its no big deal and he can just tell his mum I had made other plans for us and he didn't know.

We had massive row at Xmas about a similar thing - him putting his family first without a second thought for me or mine. We worked through it and he understood that I had been feeling like an afterthought. Obviously didn't last long. I know he isn't doing it out of malace but I'm feeling hurt because a) he shouldn't have forgot the anniversary and b) he should at least think to ask me if I even want to go to dinner with his family. Didn't even check what plans we may have had.

I feel like whats happening in my life isn’t important to him and that I'm just like a dependable old wifey who will just drop everything to accommodate everyone else. Maybe I am. Just feeling a bit sad and a bit invisible. Am I being unreasonable?

Your DP should ask you before accepting an invitation, but the fact that he immediately changed plans shows he does care about your wishes. I think you're really upset about your Dad understandably, which is clouding your judgement. People show support in different ways, and not everyone remembers dates. My DH loved his mum but cannot even remember what year she died, never mind the date. I have the dates and all the events of my mum's final week engraved on my brain, even though she died nearly 40 years ago. It doesn't mean I loved mine more.

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My husband is really good, supportive and thoughtful but many years ago it was coming up to my dads first anniversary and I said I was not looking forward to it and I wasn’t sure how I’d be on the day itself. I said I thought I’d take a days leave. I was gobsmacked when he said that he didn’t see the need as there was no actual difference to the day , it would be the same tomorrow as it was today. In theory that maybe the case but feelings aren’t theory are they. Obviously I “ told him about himself “ and put him straight. When his mum died a few years later, he got it .

Thanks all. I know myself that I'm not being entirely fair and that he isn't being deliberately difficult. I'm still pretty raw with grief 2 years in and I think sometimes that comes out as frustration. I'll have a chat with him and try to communicate better. Thanks

In my opinion, I think the 2 separate issues are that he forgot about an important date in your life (however, he did rectify this and so he is NTA, even though it would have been nice for him to have remembered) but the other issue is that he seems to continuously make plans without checking in with you first.. I think YANBU to be irritated by this - you are partners and should be jointly making decisions on what to do during weekends / holidays etc.

I think your biggest problem is communicating with each other about what is important. If you had actually said to him "please do not arrange anything on xyz date/weekend because of this" then when he had the invitation for Sunday lunch at his parents he could have then told them sorry but it's the Anniversary or whatever. If he had accepted the invite knowing what the date was, then he would be being unreasonble but as he wasn't aware (spur of the moment decisions happen) then he is not as he has said he will cancel. Explaining to his parents why you now can't go is not making you the 'fall guy' it's being honest 🤷‍♀️
On the other hand, as you did not actually have any plans, would it have been that bad to have gone for lunch at your In-Laws?
I think you are making a mountain out of a mole-hill but given the circumstances I can understand why.

This. Kindly, yabu.

Sorry for your loss X

I wouldn’t mind the making plans without consulting me because DH and I operate like that. I also wouldn’t mind him forgetting about the date, provided he did then change the plans. I would very much mind him making you the scapegoat though. Why can’t he just explain the real reason to them? Surely they’d understand?