To think he was on another date?

[hannahhm]

I’m not that bothered but I’ve been recently dipping my toe back into OLD and I’m wondering if my instincts are correct?

Been on 3 dates with a man- all been very nice, easy to talk to, lots of laughs and he’s asked immediately after each date if I’d like to go out again.

We don’t really text much in the day due to both of our jobs but he would text every evening and we’d have a bit of a conversation over voice notes and sometimes in the morning.

We went out this week and he asked to see me again, texting as normal and said we’d arrange to meet next week.

On Friday he was texting a lot in the day which was unusual but I was having a quiet day at work and was able to response- general chat and other nice stuff, saying our date was romantic etc. my responses all positive too.

But then in the evening he was completely silent, he had asked me a question and I responded but I didn’t hear from him until Saturday afternoon. Then a random text about the gym from him and none of the usual chat.

My gut is that he was on another date on Friday, and that he probably liked that person better hence the shift in energy/change in texts?

I know people will date multiple people at the same time, I guess I’m just wondering if gut feeling is usually right?

Calm down. I said that I hate the good morning/goodnight type messages as an example of my general attitude towards messaging between dates. I find it pointless and annoying.

What the Christ does that mean?

Does it mean getting the deed? 🤷‍♀️

I would drop the voice notes and switch to actual real-time conversations. Voice notes can be, and are, rehearsed, with people recording them several times until they feel the tone and content is right and that’s the version they send. You’re not getting to know the real person that way.

The “D” is slang for dick.

I agree OP. He’s considering someone else. If you can stand it, just chill and see what happens. If not, stop contact.

Oh god no far too soon. I’d run a mile from someone who wanted me to “be exclusive” after 1-2 dates! Too intense!
3 months seems the average these days.

I don’t think the comment on your photos/you in real life was negging but his getting the D comment is really uncouth. That would be an instant turn off.

I would just pull right back from him now and his responses or lack of should tell you all you need. It’s rubbish though I sympathise.

Suspect this is his modus operandi - trying to create an ambiguous situation where you chase him and end up dating casually or sex.

Definitely very common for the committed bachelors.

Set themselves up as boyfriend material for first couple meets, so the interest is piqued, then see which women offer sex.

you haven't instigated it yet so he's cooled off.

The comment about potentially "getting the D" basically is setting up a narrative that you're not a monogamous of dater, this is the situation, all women are "chasing the D"...

If you're super attracted and keen on sex with him then you'd know, but I don't think casual is what you want?

I'm out of touch obviously 😂

I keep repeating I’m not bothered because I think quite a few of the responses missed the point of my post. I’m certainly not crying myself to sleep over someone I’ve met 3 times. I thought he seemed nice and potential there and would have liked to see him again for sure.

Yes I wonder if it’s because I’ve not put out yet, or trying to create a situation where I chase.

My gut feeling though is that something changed on Friday, and he’s just given me a few crumbs since maybe to keep me as an option incase whatever other options he has don’t work out.

And yes, maybe he is a serial dater or player? I obviously don’t really know him enough to say. I do think it’s unusual at his age not to have had a long term relationship.

Yes I agree, photos comment is fine. The getting loads of “D” comment I took to mean that I sleep with lots of men? Which made me feel like he’s implying I’m a bit cheap/bit of a sl*g. I just felt like it was pushing a boundary.

Hiya OP,

Argh the early days and weeks of OLD....!! I remember finding it all very different and it was tough. I could chat to someone all day and think, he sounds nice...! Only for it to all change by the evening.

Not only had some of them unmatched me by the morning, one I liked but didn't fancy said to me he had met someone else, one I quite liked had gone by the morning after our first chat, one who liked me wasn't right for me so I had to say no to him - in short, up and down and up and down.

I was not into writing to lots of men, so the whole process was something I had to gear myself up for. I had lots of support from the women at work though and lots of help in understanding it and toughing it out.

THEN I met someone (who was keen about wanting to meet me and didn't just want to write) and from day one it worked and we are now engaged. He is super keen, a top man who I feel lucky to have met, we have tons in common and I get on well with his family and friends, as does he.

But even in our early days there was some ambiguity. He had been dating three or four women and he had to call them off and he didn't do it for three weeks. I myself had liked a man in my friend group for a long time, long enough that it wasn't just going to go away, so that took me a while to completely close down. Now I don't feel anything for him and am glad it didn't work out.

The point I am making is that internet dating is a right old rollercoaster and you can't afford to get deep with people at first. They are dating around, and so are you, and you know how important this decision is.

What made it easy for me was that the man I met immediately prioritised me so there has been no back and forth. But the meeting him process was hard, I had to toughen up, and then early on we were not exclusive and I had no right to ask that of him, and I did not know whether he was going to be good for me so I too had to wait.

But there are men out there. So me personally I am glad I went the internet dating route, and I learned how to be quick footed.

Have you got any other men you are writing to?
I would give this man in your case an other chance if he asks to take you out again - you don't know him well enough to ask him to be yours only, and you might regret it if you do too early - don't chase but I would go out with him again, but I would also get back to my profile and be open - if you want to meet someone, you want to meet someone - this is not the only man x

It's human nature to wonder what's changed, isn't it? I don't know why people have to make out that you're sobbing into your pillow just for wondering and discussing it.

You definitely know when there's been a shift - if it's genuinely a case of having a busy day or being out with friends etc. they might be quiet for a day, but the tone doesn't change and things resume the way they were.

Having read your updates, I'd steer clear of this one if you're after a relationship. There's a reason why he's eternally single and it's because he wants to be, really.

There's a hell of a difference between someone saying "A lot of men must fancy you" and saying "I’m sure you have so many men after you and have no problem getting “the D”"

I would have gone off him at that point.

Why play games?

He messaged her. If she likes him she should respond.

I mean he did message me but… it was a bit odd.

So he’s messaged late Saturday along the lines of- “how did the game go?” (I play a sport) I responded honestly “not very well actually, I’ve landed funny and hurt my ankle”… no response. Hours later just sends me a picture of his stats at the gym? No other message or context. Not anything to respond to really.

Maybe I am just a boring, depressing b*tch and my hurt ankle put him off. But was a big change from the type of messages he’s been sending previously and on Friday about how good the date was so I doubt one Debbie Downer message did that.

I think he deliberately sent you the question message so he could ignore your answer. Either to make you chase or to breadcrumb you.

I'd literally just block him or leave him on read if you haven't got another meet arranged. Why let some stranger make you feel bad about yourself?

What's boring is his gym stats! Imagine sending that after you said you hurt your ankle!

I see what you mean

But there's no need to put yourself down about it - sounds more like it's him and not you

Always trust your gut, it’s never lied to you when you’ve been hungry!

@hannahhm

At this point, I'd just assume he was and adjust my expectations accordingly. Unless and until the 'Let's be exclusive' convo happens I'd always assume that both parties are free to date other people. And probably are.

I'm old and long married,but when did 'playing the field' go so out of style? 'Back in the day' when I was single I always felt that no one could make any assumptions about me, nor me about them. I wouldn't sleep with someone until we 'declared exclusivity', though.

Ah I’m not putting myself down, was a bit tongue in cheek as some of the previous posters have decided that I must text too much and be boring

And for the last time; no issue with dating other people, I don’t expect to be exclusive after 3 dates. But I have taken the sudden change from him to mean that if he has been out with someone else- I’m suddenly less interesting.

Wouldn’t mind at all if the same level of effort was kept, that would show the interest is still there and it is worth my time and effort following up.

As I said earlier, I’m not going to bother responding or following up on meeting this week after the pointless messages he sent anyway.

I actually spoke to two of my friends in person about this today as they asked how the last date went etc, and when I explained to them- before I even mentioned I thought he was probably out with someone else during the silence - they both said that their immediate thoughts were that he was with someone else, and had spent the night hence the late afternoon message.

Maybe he was on a 2nd/3rd/4th date with someone and it progressed naturally to that next step. Could have sent me a couple of texts that I can’t really respond much to to naturally fizzle things out with us without having to say much.