To think he was on another date?

[hannahhm]

I’m not that bothered but I’ve been recently dipping my toe back into OLD and I’m wondering if my instincts are correct?

Been on 3 dates with a man- all been very nice, easy to talk to, lots of laughs and he’s asked immediately after each date if I’d like to go out again.

We don’t really text much in the day due to both of our jobs but he would text every evening and we’d have a bit of a conversation over voice notes and sometimes in the morning.

We went out this week and he asked to see me again, texting as normal and said we’d arrange to meet next week.

On Friday he was texting a lot in the day which was unusual but I was having a quiet day at work and was able to response- general chat and other nice stuff, saying our date was romantic etc. my responses all positive too.

But then in the evening he was completely silent, he had asked me a question and I responded but I didn’t hear from him until Saturday afternoon. Then a random text about the gym from him and none of the usual chat.

My gut is that he was on another date on Friday, and that he probably liked that person better hence the shift in energy/change in texts?

I know people will date multiple people at the same time, I guess I’m just wondering if gut feeling is usually right?

I'm no expert but I'd think that still seeing others would be fairly normal at the two week mark? You haven't discussed stopping seeing others, you've just had a few nice dates. I'm not sure I'd want to stop seeing anyone else just because I'd had a few dates that went well with one person. Unless it's love at first sight, wouldn't you carry on dating around until you feel able to judge that one person is better for you than another? Otherwise you run the risk of settling for the first person who sees you consistently? Basically, why shouldn;'t he be on another date?

Can I be clear- I’m not expecting him not to date others after 2 weeks! That would be unhinged.

What I’m asking about and referring to “gut” feeling, is the shift of energy after his evening of silence, the change from his usual texts.

That is all.

If he’d gone on another date and was still keen on me he’d surely still be texting me the same way as before right?

I interpret his “that’s not a journey I want to go on with someone” as a signal that he’s looking for someone who isn’t so new to the dating scene. I know what he means - often the ones who are new are really unreliable and like a kid in a sweet shop. They haven’t worked out what they want and are basically timewasters for anyone looking for something serious.

I’d get back out there and go on some dates. If your instinct is wrong, then he’ll show he’s keen. Men don’t play hard to get: if they want to date you, they’ll make it clear. Even shy ones. If he warms up again, take it from there. Don’t be offended - the early days of moving from dating to exclusive are a bit like cooking on the hob. You turn it up or down for a while as feelings and circumstances fluctuate. If your instinct is right, you’ll have moved on to the next anyway, so no loss. Internet dating is rough @hannahhm OP. Make sure you wear your hard hat.

"text every evening and we’d have a bit of a conversation over voice notes and sometimes in the morning"

Plus a lot during the day on Friday. Thats multiple texts/messages every day for 2 or 3 weeks. It would bore the shit out of me.

Yes @AlisounOfBathI understood what he meant as well and I thought it was a very considered comment.

I'm definitely not like a kid in a candy shop, quite the opposite really! I’ve dated in the past, but I had a longer term relationship and I’ve taken a few years off dating after that ended (child from the relationship too) just to concentrate on us.

I have been on other dates over the past few months but still fairly new to the scene! I haven’t gone past a first date on any as no spark on my end so I declined further dates, I think honesty is best policy.

He’s 40s and has never been married, had children or had a long term relationship. He said it’s because he hasn’t found his best friend.

He did make a bit of a strange comment after our first date- he text me after to say how stunning I am and how I’m actually more stunning than my photos in real life etc. I laughed and said are my photos no good then, do I need to change them. He said well your photos are gorgeous as it is, I’m sure you have so many men after you and have no problem getting “the D”

I said I thought that was a very odd comment to make, and he said sorry that he’s just insecure and I let it slide. No other odd comments since but it gave me a bit of a “negging” vibe.

This has happened to me before OP and unfortunately I was right! He did eventually say he had met someone else that he wanted to pursue a relationship with.

@Ablondiebutagoodyits really not. 2-3 messages and 2-3 voice notes in the evening. And sometimes a couple in the morning (continuing the previous conversation).

Mainly instigated by him.

If you are getting to know someone how are you supposed to speak?

I am in my early 30s and any one I’ve dated or even chatted to from OLD has sent far more messages than that.

But yes, it must be me, I must have bored the shit of him.

If he's never been married or had a LTR then he may be a player, just after casual hook-ups. Alternatively he may not want to do all the running. You say he instigates most text/voice exchanges. Perhaps you should start a convo or suggest a date and see where it goes.

Id actually be wary of someone who has reached their 40s without a single LTR.

Arrange one more date and have a conversation about you’d like to move things forward and not see other people. Ask how he feels about that. If he says no, then you know he is dating other people. If he says yes then happy days.

Why bother with actual dates if the getting to know each other is done via messages? I just think it's unsustainable and would save the conversations for real life.

If I'm chilling out at home in the evening, I hate to be bugged by some thirsty guy. I also hate the "good morning", "goodnight", "how's your day going" type messages. Inane chat for the sake of it.

Thanks. This is the type of situation I don’t want to get into. Fine to date other people, but if you’ve met someone and you feel something better than our dates, then just say I’m not for you. I don’t want to be strung along with half arsed messages while you decide. That ends up feeling like I’m a back up.

Horses for courses. I like little messages through the day. Show that’s they are thinking about you. I also find the goodnight ones nice to know that no responses will be happening/expected after that.

I have dated people who don’t message all the time, I don’t like it so much, but it isn’t a dealbreaker. But this situation is different- it’s a change in communication style which does suggest something has changed, so it worth at least being aware of.

@Ablondiebutagoodyright so- I’m just supposed to date someone and not talk to them in between? I don’t know anyone who does that?

and where have I said we send good morning or goodnight messages? That has never happened

you’re just making stuff up now and trying to make out like I’m boring and unhinged.

You've only been on 3 dates ... who cares if he's on another date, wouldn't it be weirder if he wasn't?

That's not what I take from that. To me it sounds as if he was saying he has met loads of women who just want to play the field as it's new to them and he doesn't want to fall victim to that again.

Have I said I care that he was on another date?

my question is about change in energy after this (possible) date.

You have known him such a short time. He does have a life and may well do things which he doesn't feel the need to tell you about. This is normal.

@glitterturdokay so you think he means he’d prefer to date experienced daters?

I mean that’s fine, I get that. And as I’ve said I’m not bothered about him (3 dates) but I’m just trying to learn for future reference as well!

He didn’t seem to have any issue with me on Friday- he was saying our last date was perfect, romantic, and he was being quite familiar with me (e.g “I know what nickname I’m going to give you, it’s this”- cute little name based on something from one of the dates).

You can’t learn for future reference unfortunately because everyone is different, sorry to say. Also I’m not sure you’re not bothered because you’ve said it a few times, which kind of portrays the opposite (not having a go, just an observation.)

I wonder if he’s been a bit of a love bomber OP? Talking about nicknames and the like, over complimenting etc. Sounds a bit like someone going all out to flatter and develop a bond very quickly. If he thinks you’re hooked then he can back off a bit with his peacocking and it sounds as if that is what may have happened here? Other date or no other date (and I honestly think that is irrelevant), it’s just about how you feel about his behaviour. Go with your gut, if you think his ardour has cooled then respond appropriately. Which could just be to chuck the flounder back into the sea.

I think he was saying he doesn't want to be used by someone who is just trying out various men as it is a novelty for her.

If you feel that shift in energy then I would just ‘park him’ and get on chatting with other men. If he is truly interested in getting to know you and pursue your dates then he will make it clear. I met with hundreds of men when I was online dating and with lots of them I would have great dates but after few dates they would just fizzle out as someone more interesting came to the picture.

A little while back there was a thread where the OP had slept with someone else after 3 dates with a bloke and she was pretty much told that was absolutely fine, she owed 3 date guy nothing, and it was no concern of his.

I think you’ve assumed he was on a date with no evidence, but even if he was he’s allowed to at this stage

I think he’s actually a red flag, no long term relationship and in his 40s?!
Never being married or having a child is understandable, not everyone wants those things.
Listen to your gut Op, and I’d take a little step back if I were you. If he wants you he will chase and if he doesn’t, you may have dodged a bullet.

I’m sure you’re not - it’s just that a lot of people are like that. But “getting the D”?! If that means what I think it means, then ew!

Tbh, if he’s never had a long term relationship of any kind, it suggests he’s one of those “oh I can’t find anyone” types who are actually so picky they’d find fault with anyone, no matter how attractive, witty, kind etc. I think you’re better off without him - disappointing but he sounds like one of those who never gets past date 3. Restless people like this always make their inability to commit the fault of the other person when in reality it’s them. They have an instability or a gap somewhere inside.

Wait for him to message you out of the blue in 6 months though… I’d put money on it.

Getting the D? That is repulsive but again another way of checking if you are seeing other guys ? It's causing you too much thinking space this early on so I wouldn't bother.