Should I tell his wife ?

[rightormad]

A few years ago I was involved with a married man, in a text book situation of which I am not proud - chose to listen to nonsense from him/ lackof self esteem from me. Brief overview - it lasted two years, I lied to her face, met her toddlers, stayed at her home, mutual friends were aware but turned a blind eye . i can’t actually believe I was that person.

Im in a different place now. But appalled by my behaviour, have had counselling.

I’m being urged by friends to ‘ tell her the truth to let her live make her own decisions’
99% of me thinks it was two years ago , let it be,

1% thinks I’d want to know, even if it was twenty years ago , never mind two

it’s reared it’s head for unrelated reasons, as tonight people I know (drunk) were saying they’d want to know, and I thought “would you really??”

No.
Find another method to assuage your guilt.
Or get a hobby.
It's over.

No good can come of this.

You did what you did. He did what he did. There’s no undoing it and absolutely nothing to make it better.

How do you know he hasn’t already come clean and she’s chosen to look past it?
If she doesn’t know, part of me feels like she deserves to know she’s married to a cheater….but at the same time this coming out 2 years after the fact could completely destroy her. If you wanted her to know you should have told her 2 years ago.
Its not fair for you to cause that kind of devastation 2 years later just to squash your own guilt.

No. If you were going to say something, 2 years later is not the time!
Move on and leave it be….

No. Let sleeping dogs lie.

sleeping dogs lie has been my internal thinking( that is shorthand for what has been a well deserved guilt trip) and also, I thought, the view of the friends who know the truth .

it was just jolting hearing people who don’t know what happened, be so vociferous that they want to know? And my friends
’ in the know’ all agreed with them, that they’d never want to “live with a liar”

I'd want to know if I'd been cheated on. If he's cheated once he'll probably do it again.

Others on this thread obviously prefer not to know which is their prerogative.

No!
You’ve done enough damage already.
Do not choose to do even more to selfishly assuage your own guilt.

No to much time has passed, you don’t know what their relationship is like now, she may know and forgiven him, don’t bring it all up now as no one will benefit but there would be lots of hurt.💖

Well, I was that girl, I’m ashamed to say. A long time ago, young and selfish but I did it. I did tell her. She said she knew, she had suspected all along. They’re still together now I think. He cheated before me and I guess he did it after too.
I hate myself for being that person, but I have to tell myself I was completely fooled by him.

Honestly don't do this to her. You were awful you will need to live with it. It isn't fair to her to have her whole marriage be a lie.

You knew what you were doing at the time. Still being selfish by wanting to relieve yourself of guilt. Leave her alone.

It takes two to tango, as the old saying goes. Take responsibility for your part in it and move on. Deal with the guilt alone. No good will come of telling his wife. The only thing you'll do is wreck her life further.

You don't know the dynamic between this man and his wife. They might've gotten over it, talked it through etc etc. You can't be Judge and Jury in someone else's relationship. I get that you're struggling with the guilt but it'll pass. Leave her be.

Generally speaking I'm all for telling a woman if her H has cheated.

In your case your case the fact actually went to her home, met her children, stayed there , knowing all the while you were having sex with her H is such disgusting behaviour I do wonder if she is better off not knowing. I can't even begin to think how she would feel knowing your deceit.

I know in theory it's her H who is the one responsible for betraying her but in your case your level of betrayal - actually sitting in her home with her and her children - is breathtaking.

Yes in theory she should know but I can't even imagine how she will feel if she finds out that you so barefacedly and shamelessly made a fool of her.

And the fact people knew and turned a blind eye is another knife in her back.
Words fail me as to what an unsavoury bunch of morally bankrupt people you all are.

Edited to say sorry @doodahdayy I quoted you by mistake and can't remove the quote.

OP - just leave it

Absolutely not. This is all in the past. Just move on and concentrate on your own life.

I was the wife in this scenario, hope you aren’t the other woman in my scenario.

I knew, I knew all along and had to play along when you were in our home, and seeing you in group scenarios and having to smile to your face, well it nearly killed me. I nearly killed myself, my mental health was understandably poor.

I hate you. I hated him. Now I certainly don’t love him like I used to.

Please don’t ever contact me / her / him again. Crawl away and take your guilt elsewhere, and hope this never happens to you when you’re on the other side.

Edited for spelling, because these things matter even when dealing with shitty scenarios like these.

I would say this is not your call. Not your family that is impacted.
He may of already told his wife. If not that’s his call.
Manage your guilt without affecting a whole family.

I would want to know.

Your friends say they wouldn't want to live with a liar.

But you are a liar, so should you never have another partner? Or would you say that it's all in the past?

If it hadn’t been the OP it would have been someone else.

Christ @SoftPillow that’s dreadful, I’m so sorry that happened to you. Op, listen to her, she’s been there. Don’t do it, live with the fact that you were a shit person by being a better person now.

I suspect she already knows. Say nothing.

No.

The fact you lied to her face, met her kids and stayed in the house while shagging her husband could cause such huge harm to her mental health and totally shake her sense of being able to trust herself and her instincts so much that I question whether it’s better to tell her or not. I can’t imagine the guilt you (hopefully, tbh) feel about doing those things while shagging him.

It’s unthinkable and while affairs aren’t black and white, people fall in love etc, the level of deceit and cruelty it takes to do the things you did on top of a ‘normal’ affair is deeply troubling. I hope the counselling you had was so monumentally life changing that you are never in a position to do this again.

I know someone who killed herself after her husband and family friend did what you did and she found it, which perhaps colours my judgement on this and makes me lean towards not telling her when I usually think it’s best to know.

But they’re happy being friends with a liar?? You were a lair too - pretending to be friends with this couple, meeting their children as a friend, staying in their home as a friend. Though what sort of morals have your friends either - if they knew you were having an affair with this man and they were mutual friends with both him and his wife and just sat back and watched.