Should I tell his wife ?

[rightormad]

A few years ago I was involved with a married man, in a text book situation of which I am not proud - chose to listen to nonsense from him/ lackof self esteem from me. Brief overview - it lasted two years, I lied to her face, met her toddlers, stayed at her home, mutual friends were aware but turned a blind eye . i can’t actually believe I was that person.

Im in a different place now. But appalled by my behaviour, have had counselling.

I’m being urged by friends to ‘ tell her the truth to let her live make her own decisions’
99% of me thinks it was two years ago , let it be,

1% thinks I’d want to know, even if it was twenty years ago , never mind two

it’s reared it’s head for unrelated reasons, as tonight people I know (drunk) were saying they’d want to know, and I thought “would you really??”

I really can't understand how you could go into her family home, and spend time with her family, while having sex with her husband. Why would you do that? What's the motivation? Did you want to rub it in her face?

Dont do it.

it lasted two years, I lied to her face, met her toddlers, stayed at her home, mutual friends were aware but turned a blind eye

And you think that level of nastiness and deceit is a 'text book' situation?

There's nothing text book about that, it's a pretty extreme level of low.

Leave the wife alone, she's been shit on enough by the pair of you.

For what it’s worth, I’ve known two women who have done this. I think it was chronically low self esteem which had been unaddressed. Neither could feel good about themselves unless they were “winning” against another woman, in both cases one who was objectively more attractive/happier/more successful than them. They never had a good word to say about anyone and could only make themselves feel better by tearing others down. It’s a very sad way to live.
Oh and the married dickhead that they were shagging had no idea about the thrill of the “competition” with the wife, they just thought they were gods gift - fucking idiots.

She’s really piece of work isn’t she. Now she wants to tell the wife. I bet she’s doing it be to spiteful

I think everyone is trying to absolve themselves of guilt
if your friends wanted it out in the open they should of said years ago not now when all of a sudden they have now found a moral compass
you firmly you lay all the blame on him

mouth shut and draw a line under it

She already knows or suspects. Your friends sound awful and like they are enjoying a ringside seat and now want to enjoy the second half where you go and dump your guilt on the woman by telling her. That poor woman, surrounded by such cruelty and married to a piece of shit. You @rightormad need to get and stay right away from that family and those friends. Remove yourself from the whole circus, move away (geographically, socially, emotionally).

I can’t see the benefit in speaking up now. The time to do it, if at all, was at the time. You can’t undo the wrong by retrospectively doing what might or might not be the right thing now. People have lots of opinions, and talk a big game, particularly when pissed, but they hold no stake. I always believed I’d be a truth teller too but having seen what happens when people interfere, I now think I’d mind my own business. Spilling doesn’t always work out for the best. Actions have consequences and you don’t know what she’ll do. Leave her be, I’d say.

I really hope you take note of the majority on here saying let it be. What benefit do you get from telling her now?

Honestly @rightormad you need to distance yourself from this group, for your sake and hers. If her friends wanted her to know so badly, they would have told her. Leave it and move on. She either knew and turned a blind eye or didn't know and is living a happy life unaware.

I have also been the wife in this situation and I knew.... you have no idea what actually goes on in their life and you see and hear a snapshot and whatever crap he told you.

But she’s not, she’s made the decision to live with her guilt, others are now making her doubt that by telling her she should tell the wife.

Op i would absolutely want to know. I’d feel humiliated knowing what you both did and others knowing, I’d lash out but at least I’d have the truth to decide how I’d want to carry on. I would honestly hate to have “friends” who knew a secret about my marriage and didn’t tell me. As far as I’m concerned those people keeping quiet are not friends.

Why did you stay at their home? How did friends find out? It sounds like you wanted her to know or confront you. I think the guy is even worse though. Did you sneak about in her home for stolen kisses, had a quickie while she popped out? It's horrible.

How vile of you to meet her kids and still do this. It takes a special type of woman and you’re one of them.

I’m in the ‘no’ camp. Too much time has passed and I think if you were to do this now, it’s for your own selfish reasons not because “she deserves to know”.

Move on with your life.

No. You did an absolutely disgusting shitty thing and behaved despicably. You wasn’t an innocent victim who had no idea he was married - you and him are both vile lying cheats who looked his wife in the eye whilst you carried on your sordid grubby affair.

How dare you now think that telling her the truth to make yourself feel better. Live with the guilt of what you’ve done - I hope she finds out what a repulsive cunt she’s married to but it’s not on you to be the one who tells her.

Crawl back under your rock and leave her alone. You’ve done enough already

It's crazy really that we say 'made a fool of' in the case of his wife because she didn't know. In reality the fools were you and her husband. If you tell her you will still be a fool, it won't change anything in that sense. The guilt should never go just because you have changed your mindset. You will always be someone who almost destroyed someone's life and lied to her face. The only good thing about the whole situation is that she doesn't know how vile you both are. Why would you want to hurt her? It doesn't make sense. What's your real motivation? Does it bother you that you have to live with this alone? How do you think she will react? Fall on her knees and thank you for setting her free from what you perceive as a loveless marriage? Or are you just jealous that she has him and you never could?
What do your mutual friends opinions matter in this? They aren't the ones whose lives would be ripped apart by the news so what they think is irrelevant.
It's almost gross that you are thinking about her at all. Leave her alone, you've done enough in her life.
It's good that you've changed but that's the only good thing out of this. What you did is absolutely vile.

No good will come if you telling her. She probably knew or knows if had her suspicions.

why do you want to tell her? To help ease your guilt? It won’t it’ll make her deeply unhappy if she didn’t know

I think most people would say they "would want to know" if you asked them, do you want to know if your partner cheated.

That's not necessarily the same as it being better for them to know. The cost of knowing is very high for her.

No, leave it. It's your guilt to carry. She's not your punching bag so you can feel better. Own your awful behaviour to yourself. And think about other ways you can make amends - not to her but what could you do for someone else. How could you pay it forward? Volunteer, donate, whatever?

She probably knows anyway.

You're not squeaky clean in this,I think your friends advice is for the drama.
Leave well alone.

Actually I can think of a friend of a friend who does this, repeatedly. You're right, it's low self esteem. Normally his wife/girlfriend is beautiful, but busy with her job or children, and cheating with this woman gives the man an ego boost, because she's quite easy and will jump when they say they can meet.

To go against the grain I’d say tell her. I can’t think of anyone in my life who would not want to know, as utterly painful as it would be. I would want to know. You will be hated (by him and by her) but I actually do think I’d tell her.

Also just read that you met her toddlers! Yikes OP. You’re really something. Even more reason to tell her. You should feel guilty and she deserves to know.

No. It's water under the bridge. If he's a serial cheater, and it's probably likely, then she will eventually find out herself. Most cheaters think they're clever, the problem is they become over confident and slip up. He will get caught, and she will realise. You want to tell her to ease your guilt and that's not a good enough reason.

You have mutual (female) friends and were close enough to stay over in their home. That low self-esteem you refer to is doing some hard work.

If you tell her now - 2 years after the end of a 2 year affair - she will be hit with the fact that not only is her husband an absolute arse of a cheat, but also that he and you rubbed it in her face while other of her friends sat and watched and didn't tell her.

How would that make you feel if you put yourself in her shoes?
And you still see these mutual friends who claim they would want to know - because they value truth and honesty do they?

Do this woman a favour and stay the hell away from her.