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Original poster

Feel disturbed by thought of expectations at funeral home

57 replies

Emoleno · 05/04/2025 22:31

My Fil recently died, after a long, painful illness. He was in a hospice.

Chatting to Mil today, and she told me a few details which she seems very blase about, but they have disturbed me.

Firstly, the funeral home asked if she wanted the body to be changed into a different outfit as he'd been very ill on his clothes. I thought this would be an upsetting thought for the family, but I suppose they have to ask. She said that it was a shame to put his body in his good clothes, as they were all about to be burned anyway.

Secondly, they asked if she wanted to see his body and warned her they it was starting to decay. Apparently his lips were black. I don't understand why anyone would want to see the body of a loved one in this state.

I don't really know why this has disturbed me as much as it has.

OP posts:
Lemons1571 · 05/04/2025 22:34

It’s not clear what the funeral homes’ expectations that you refer to, actually are? They’ve just asked a couple of questions. What are you thinking that they are expecting of you or your MIL?

Ryeman · 05/04/2025 22:34

These are totally normal questions for the funeral director to ask. Sorry for your loss.

AquaPeer · 05/04/2025 22:35

I think some people are naturally more accepting and relaxed about death and suspect most people do as they age and get closer to it themselves.

it might be your own grief at the moment op, it’s hard to think about loved ones just being vessels and in that inbetween stage between life and burial whefe theyfe at the funeral home

youcannaecallherfanny · 05/04/2025 22:36

These are normal questions for a funeral home to be asking

Octavia64 · 05/04/2025 22:36

it’s possible to have an
open or partially open casket. In some cases families or friends will come and sit with the body the night before the funeral.

so they need to ask what clothes and also whether the family want to sit with the body.

SedumRoof · 05/04/2025 22:36

I’m not clear on what you mean by ‘expectations’?

steff13 · 05/04/2025 22:37

Those are decisions that have to be made. They're both pretty innocuous questions.

harriethoyle · 05/04/2025 22:37

@Emoleno i totally get this. After DM died, my cousin was going to see her (I didn’t want to) and the funeral directors described her as “a bit oozy” when putting him off. It’s never left me as an image… I wish he hadn’t told me tbh.

MyUmberSeal · 05/04/2025 22:37

I work in a funeral home and these are standard questions. Even if a body is in a bad way, and they often are, many relatives still wish to view. It’s also normal for the family (usually one person specifically), to be asked what they would like their loved to be dressed in. The family will then bring these clothes in and we will dress them.

All done with kindness and care. All totally normal.

Original poster
Emoleno · 05/04/2025 22:40

Thanks for replying everyone.

I'm terrified at the thought of someone describing perhaps my DM or DH, for example, as decaying or oozing.

I just can't get rid of the image of poor fil in this way.

I go understand that funeral parlours need to do that though. I just need to face reality.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emoleno · 05/04/2025 22:42

By expectation, I mean the idea that we should go and see view a body.

I really don't want to feel pressure to do this. I want the image in my mind to be of the person alive and not degrading.

OP posts:
InALonelyWorld · 05/04/2025 22:43

Firstly, sorry for your loss @Emoleno 💐

I'm not entirely sure what the funeral directors have done wrong here as these are common questions to ask.

It is normal for family to want their relatives dressed in something different to what they died in, perhaps some choose more formal/nice attire. Also visiting the family member before the funeral and excessive decay is normal too, though some choose not to do this.

The first family death i experienced was last August i thought id be traumatised going to the funeral directors to visit a dead body so i refused to go. However, my DGM died last month and I did go, only because I was there when she passed so I had already unexpectedly had that experience and wanted to support my DGD. It was quite emotional and pretty awful though so we left after 15 minutes, which was enough for us. Other family members visited regularly and for the full appointment duration, so it obviously varies from person to person.

mindutopia · 05/04/2025 22:44

A lot of people find comfort in seeing the deceased. Me personally, I think it’s a bit weird. I very clearly remember seeing my grandmother when I was probably 11. They’d put loads of makeup on her and I felt really distraught that she didn’t look at all like herself. My horrid aunts and uncles also insisted she was put in some grandmother of the bride outfit she’d worn to a wedding that she had absolutely hated, but it was very “formal” and they wanted her dressed up. Just seems so pointless to make someone look not how they looked in real life for their funeral.

When my dad died, I didn’t want to see him, but others did. I was 18, but the one arranging the funeral. I agreed to a family viewing but I just came in at the end, didn’t go up to see him, just left from there to go to the grave after everyone else was done.

I don’t really like the thought of any of it. I want to be cremated in a plain wooden box, no formalities, or grim all black theatrics. But I accept that funerals are mostly about the living, so I guess I hope my children will do whatever is most healing for them.

AquaPeer · 05/04/2025 22:45

Emoleno · 05/04/2025 22:42

By expectation, I mean the idea that we should go and see view a body.

I really don't want to feel pressure to do this. I want the image in my mind to be of the person alive and not degrading.

There is no expectations of this, many people will chose not to see the body, please don’t be worried

Bsmirched · 05/04/2025 22:47

My husband works at a funeral director's. Honestly, they have no expectation that family will or won't view the deceased. Everyone us different and they wouldn't judge either way.

Redglitter · 05/04/2025 22:51

We gave the undertaker my Dad's clothes for him. It was actually nice when we went to see him that he had on his favourite shirt & jumper

You don't have to go and see him especially if he's going to look so difference

Thankfully when we saw my Dad he looked like himself and very peaceful. It was difficult but we all agreed it was what we wanted & have never regretted it

I also almost never think of him there or like that. Its not tainted my memories. I only really think of that day at times like this. In general I remember him smiling and sitting in his recliner chair

Do what's right for you

Throwitaway12345 · 05/04/2025 22:52

I remember when my ex killed himself having to drive by where his body was kept prior to the funeral every day to go to work. I was absolutely haunted by the thought of his body in there decaying. Death is scary. The thought of the bodies of the people we love changing is scary. I had hoped he would be cremated, but he was buried and I couldn't bring myself to visit his grave for a long time due to the fear of what had happened to him after death.

Over time, I learned to accept that our souls are what makes us 'us' - not our vessels. Whatever happens to a body after death doesn't hurt the person who has died; that persons soul, or essence, life-force, however you see it, has moved on. There is nothing to fear from a dead body. The people at the funeral home have much more experience in this, and so it is likely they don't always realise how horrifying these facts are to those of us experiencing it for the first time. However, it is better for them to explain a person's body is decaying so that family can be prepared.

Nothing they have said is inappropriate, but it is jarring. It is difficult as you want to support your MIL, but perhaps explain that you would rather not see/hear about FIL's body now - as you wish to remember him exactly as he was.

RobertaFirmino · 05/04/2025 22:53

I'm afraid that this is simply a fact of death. Try and think of his body as his old overcoat, one he does not need any more because he has moved along to the next stage of personhood. Remember that the things happening to his body are just science. These natural processes do not change the person he was and the memories you have.

I never saw my parents or my brother at the parlour either. Just like you, I didn't want that to be my last memory. I knew they were dead, I didn't need to see the evidence. So please don't feel any pressure to go.

I hope things get easier for you.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 05/04/2025 22:57

Emoleno · 05/04/2025 22:42

By expectation, I mean the idea that we should go and see view a body.

I really don't want to feel pressure to do this. I want the image in my mind to be of the person alive and not degrading.

Meant kindly but don't be so nesh.

Of course the funeral staff are going to ask if you want to view the body. Plenty of people would be moaning if they were denied this and it's not for the staff to consult a crystal ball to detect which sort you are. They just ask the question, The end. You can't go through life getting distressed about perfectly normal questions.

AppleCelebration · 05/04/2025 23:06

You would never be unreasonable for feel the way you do. It is so personal.

i swore down I wouldn’t see my grandmother in the funeral home. I said no daily. But I woke up one morning and my cousin said he was going and was offering to take me. He reassured me she looked ok. I can’t explain why, but I went. I used to do her hair and I started to worry her hair wouldn’t look how she wanted.

im glad we did go, and I’m glad we did that together. I’m sure the staff there must have wondered what was going on in the room because we were talking about funny stories with her and laughing through tears.

I fixed her hair and left her some cigs ☺️ It gave us peace. Perhaps I needed someone trusted to see her first and tell me it would be ok.

Would I do it again? I’m not sure. I’d just have to see at the time how I would feel. But my emotions at the time were all over the place and I didn’t expect to change my mind. Take your time

Eenameenadeeka · 05/04/2025 23:06

I'm sorry for your loss. I can see why its upsetting but everyone has such a different reaction to these things and they have to ask. I don't think they are pressuring anyone to go, just offering it because some families would want to. The same with the clothes, you see it as a waste but others might want them to have their favorite clothes. Neither is right or wrong, just allowing people to have a choice in what they want for their loved one.

Jabberwok · 05/04/2025 23:07

Firstly I have to say I work for a funeral director. Stacey Dooly or Solomon one of them did a programme about funerals, it could useful to watch that, she interviewed someone buying a funeral plan and they discussed clothes the lady wanted to wear on her last journey.

it's traditional in the uk and Ireland that the deceased get dressed in their best clothes. Danny Baker in his first autobiography talks about a childhood friend who was buried in a mates clothes. My dad was in his best suit.

there is no way, ever, in God's earth that the funeral director told your mil that the body was decaying. That is completely unacceptable and unprofessional and would never happen. Plus if the family wanted a viewing then the deceased would be made to look presentable.

Plus lips do not go black. Trust me on this, there is a good chance I will visit our mortuary tomorrow as I am on call tomorrow should anyone pass. No lips will be black, no bodies will be rotting, it's a big fridge.

naturally if fil passed a few months ago some decomposition will have occurred...but not to the extent that you talk about.

Annascaul · 05/04/2025 23:10

Emoleno · 05/04/2025 22:42

By expectation, I mean the idea that we should go and see view a body.

I really don't want to feel pressure to do this. I want the image in my mind to be of the person alive and not degrading.

But there isn’t any pressure or expectation. They literally just asked because they have to, they don’t give a toss either way.
Surely you can see that?

murasaki · 05/04/2025 23:11

You don't have to go. Dp and his sister didn't go to see their mum, their dad did, several times. It was whatever felt best to each person.

PrettayGood · 05/04/2025 23:11

Seems perfectly reasonable to me. I think perhaps many people think their dead loved one will look like they’re merely sleeping so
might need a tactical warning otherwise if they wish to view.

My friend viewed her dad every day he was in the funeral director’s. She said that by day 5, he had degraded significantly and they advised her to close the coffin for any further visits.