Feel disturbed by thought of expectations at funeral home

[Emoleno]

My Fil recently died, after a long, painful illness. He was in a hospice.

Chatting to Mil today, and she told me a few details which she seems very blase about, but they have disturbed me.

Firstly, the funeral home asked if she wanted the body to be changed into a different outfit as he'd been very ill on his clothes. I thought this would be an upsetting thought for the family, but I suppose they have to ask. She said that it was a shame to put his body in his good clothes, as they were all about to be burned anyway.

Secondly, they asked if she wanted to see his body and warned her they it was starting to decay. Apparently his lips were black. I don't understand why anyone would want to see the body of a loved one in this state.

I don't really know why this has disturbed me as much as it has.

You haven't described any expectations here. The funeral home has just provided choice. Different families have different preferences, which is fine.

Incidentally, we should get better about talking about death and planning for it as a society. We will all die.

Speak for yourself I've done a deal with the devil, I am not going until Bristol Rovers win the premiership!

There is no pressure and expectations when it comes to death. Everyone deals with things differently.
Are you sure that’s what the funeral directors actually said? My experience with funeral directors has been extremely positive.
My family aren’t British (I’m born and raised in the UK) and it’s quite a big deal to us to have the deceased dressed in nice clothes. I would expect the funeral directors need to ask this.
In terms of viewing, it’s very personal and I have no doubt that there is no judgement from anyone. Personally I found it comforting. My loved one was in a lot of pain when they died and seeing them was reassuring that they weren’t hurting anymore. They looked so much better that when they passed and I was able to hold them again. That sounds weird but grief is weird.
Your family needs to do what you feel is best for you OP. Sending you strength.

In my experience this past year our funeral directors said that they would tell that they were "now closing the coffin" when the point of decay (this word wasn't used specifically) become obvious as it would be at that stage that they would no longer recommend visits. I believe this was said as there was some delay between time of death and the actual funeral taking place for us so the understanding and expectation of seeing the person right until the day before was a bit unrealistic. It was good to have this knowledge though, so those who did want to attend could do so at a more positive stage.

There is no expectation for you to view the body if you don't want to. You need to do what is right for you. I know someone who didn't view her DH's body because she just couldn't. Years later I don't think she's ever regretted it. On the other hand, I felt it was very important to view the body of a loved one to make it real. The experience did demystify death, which I didn't have a lot of experience of, and I have a lot of peace with death and dying as a result.

The questions are all normal. It does have to be decided what someone is laid to rest in and it is better to forewarn if there is anything about the appearance of the person that might be alarming if you're not expecting it.

I'm sorry for your loss. Please remember you can do what is right for you and social expectations can be put aside.

You don’t have to feel pressured. Some people choose to view the body for closure. Myself, my sister and my brother in law all sat together with my mum the day after she died and talked to her. We just needed to be with her one last time.

There are no expectations.

Most people find death incredibly difficult to deal with and there is no one right way to go about saying goodbye to a loved one. A large part of the funeral home's job is to give your MIL as much control over the process as they reasonably can. They're offering her information and options so that she can tell them how best to honor your FIL as an individual and help her (the closest loved one) through this stage of the grieving process.

Some people feel strongly about being able to see the body of their loved one and say goodbye "in person." Others feel exactly the opposite like yourself. Many feel differently about this decision when the death followed a long illness vs if it was unexpected. The important thing is that you make the best choice for you and support your loved ones in doing the same for themselves. Even if other family members choose to see the body you don't have to. If you choose you can go to the funeral home and stay in a waiting room with others - you might even bring a photo album to look through or stories to tell - and those who want to go in to say goodbye can do that then rejoin you for hugs and lots of love. It's also perfectly ok to stay home.

I strongly advise you not to go if you don't want to. I didn't want to go and see my mum, advised my sister not to but she did anyway. She was very upset and described what mum looked like, and why she didn't look like "mum". I didn't want to see her, or have the description of her in my head so I was bloody annoyed at my sister telling me what she looked like. I suggest that if other people go, ask them to please not tell you what your FIL looks like.

Does your MIL need some support? Perhaps with choosing some clothes and taking them to the funeral home? Maybe talk gently with her and she’ll see that FIL would want to be dressed nicely and with dignity, and not want to attend his own funeral in old, stained pyjamas.

Both my stepfather and FIL were buried in full kilt and regalia (worth a lot of money) so it’s nothing unusual to dress them in a formal outfit. A suit, but if there’s no viewing then maybe just a favourite set of clothes. Think of it from a pov of what FIL would want.

You don’t have to view the body if you don’t want to. But if DH does he may want you there to support him. When my FIL died, I went with (now ex-) DH but I sat in a pew and didn’t approach the coffin.

There's no pressure to see the body. You are asked if you would like to. When my parent died, I did, but my sibling chose not to. There was no pressure.

Choosing their clothing felt like a way of honouring them. They were always very particular about their appearance, so going through their wardrobe and selecting an outfit, including undergarments, felt like a way of paying homage. It was actually quite comforting.

There’s no expectation. Most people want to. Some don’t. The funeral home will simply give you a choice; they don’t have any expectations either way.

If people do want to see the body, the staff at the mortuary or funeral home will gently explain what to expect and warn you about anything unusual, as they did with your mother-in-law.

In terms of clothing, if the deceased’s family don’t feel it necessary to dress the dead person in their best clothes or whatever, the funeral home staff can usually dress them in a plain white cotton robe for their burial or cremation.

I agree with the clothing. FIL had a clear idea of what dress he wanted for her, but never went in her wardrobe and just couldn't. Nor could DP. So SIL invited me to help her find it (which took a while, men and their description of clothes...) but she said it helped her to have me look with her while we talked and we eventually found the right thing. It did help everyone in different ways I think.

It's quite normal for people to view a body, so of course the funeral home has to ask. There is no pressure involved, a simple yes or no is all that is required. I didn't go to see my DM and never felt under any pressure to do so.

I'm sorry for your loss, but YABU. These are things they have to do.

I don’t understand. Some people like to view bodies of loved ones. Some don’t. Some are torn.

The funeral home is not staffed by mind readers who know what camp people are in. So, they ask. There is zero expectation so no idea where you get that from, unless there is something you have not written. If someone’s not looking great they do have a duty to express this as it may change someone’s mind who did want to or was torn about it.

Same with clothes. I don’t work in a funeral home but do know from conversations with morgue staff in the past that it’s something many people are really into. Some want their loved ones in certain clothes. They also often want them to have blankets but that’s a whole other sphere really. Just from my own personal experience supporting two extended family members whose children were in an accident and murdered (separately obviously) and bodies not found for several months, when the bodies were recovered, the most important thing to them was the clothes, one having their favourite shirt to wear and the other a beautiful dress. It’s not rationale but it’s important to some and doesn’t have to be. Again, the funeral home is asking questions based on their vast experiences, it’s not some personal crusade against your individual sensibilities.

You don't have to see a body if you don't want to. Most cultures are much more comfortable and open with death and viewing the body is part of the mourning and grieving process, and it's part of closure and healing. Personally, I always feel slightly freaked out when viewing bodies but it's my preference to do this as it helps me with my grief and gives me a chance to say goodbye. Open caskets is standard in my culture, it isn't for DH and I have found the funerals in his family very clinical and emotionless. Each to their own.

You maybe need to look at it differently OP, I know it’s difficult.

i took great comfort in choosing washing and ironing the clothes we laid my mum to rest in. It’s a very personal decision whether you go to see him or not - we did and I am forever grateful- I think it really helped me so much. Makes you realise that the body is a mere shell and the love lives on within you. Sorry for your loss. I know these times are tough for in-laws too x

It’s very normal to have loved one’s changed into their own clothes. We picked out an outfit for my dad, and yes it got cremated with him, as did photos and a blanket I put in with him. Usually a funeral home with embalm a loved one for viewing. I always go to the chapel of rest, but I wouldn’t if the body hadn’t been embalmed. Close friend of mine recently died, and it was much nicer to see her straight after she passed, than my experience of chapel of rest as the body feels quite waxy after the embalming fluid. But I never got chance with my dad so went to see him 5 days later at the funeral home. If they advised me his body was showing obvious signs of decay and hadn’t embalmed, i’d have thought twice. Still may have gone though as I wasn’t there when he passed and I was desperate to see him to say goodbye.

Thanks very much for your replies everyone. Very much appreciated.

I wasn't wondering about the request for clothes, but I was upset my the bluntness of the description of him being ill on the outfit he died in. I suppose you don't like to think of someone's last moments in that way. I do realise that I need to 'woman up' though.

The funeral home did describe him as decaying. I was there when they called Mil and heard them say it, as she always puts the phone on speaker.

It was Mil who said that his lips were black, after she'd visited. She asked if DH and I wanted to go and see him, but the thought was grotesque to me (I didn't tell her that). I want lasting memories to be happy, not with black lips and decay. Makes me feel very sad.

Perhaps funeral director should have led by asking whether MIL thought she might wish to see the body

If not, no need to tell her that he'd soiled himself / vomited. Or that he was decaying. Those are horrible details that most people woukd orefer not to know

Depends on your fil's clothes. Your mil might view it as a waste if he has designer clothing that someone else could use, or that could be passed down to family as heirlooms. My aunt, per her request, was cremated in her third best saree because the first and second best and none of her gold jewellry because she wanted her best stuff to go to her grandaughters.

Definitely not designer. She thought burning decent condition clothes was a waste.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. We had a direct cremation for my dad. No funeral. I would not have been able to cope with the thought that my dad was lying in the coffin in front of me. The whole family had a get together as celebration of his life.

The clothes I get. I took DM's favourite best outfit to the funeral directors.
I also had the coffin brought home the day before the funeral. The funeral director loosened the screws so if any family wanted to view they could.
Different people want different things, so they have to ask.
When my BIL committed suicide the funeral director gently advised us against viewing.

I went to visit my Dad the day after he died of a massive heart attack and he looked just like himself. I took his suit in for him to be dressed in. Dad was always dressed smartly and we all knew that would be what he'd want. I was with my Mum when she died after a long illness so didn't feel the need to go to see her in funeral home but 2 of my sister's went to see her the day after she died and took her one of her favourite dresses to wear. I would advise anyone wanting to go to go as soon after death as possible whilst they still look themselves.

We all deal with things in different ways and this is the crux of this situation. Do what is right for you. Personally I like spending time with my departed family members before their body is interred or cremated. That might horrify you, but it works for me. It's also worked for generations of people in Ireland. But you are you and you feel how you do - is it the first time you have had to confront this scenario? I totally get that it is overwhelming and deeply sad. But in the midst of this you have to find your way of dealing with grief. I am sorry for your loss.