Feel disturbed by thought of expectations at funeral home

[Emoleno]

My Fil recently died, after a long, painful illness. He was in a hospice.

Chatting to Mil today, and she told me a few details which she seems very blase about, but they have disturbed me.

Firstly, the funeral home asked if she wanted the body to be changed into a different outfit as he'd been very ill on his clothes. I thought this would be an upsetting thought for the family, but I suppose they have to ask. She said that it was a shame to put his body in his good clothes, as they were all about to be burned anyway.

Secondly, they asked if she wanted to see his body and warned her they it was starting to decay. Apparently his lips were black. I don't understand why anyone would want to see the body of a loved one in this state.

I don't really know why this has disturbed me as much as it has.

I have always refused this in the past. However I went to see my best friend.

It was a mistake, for me. Absolutely. If you are in any doubt, don’t go.

That’s really unprofessional.

Death of a loved one is a very difficult thing to get your head around and we all deal with it in different ways. There is the obvious loss, but there is also the very practical situation of a body that has to be dealt with. It’s perfectly understandable to feel the way you do. Would it help to think of it more as a medical condition that happened to your FIL? I’m not saying definitely do that, just wondering if it might help to reframe it in your mind.

I’ve worn my grandmas wedding ring for over thirty years. She was wearing it when she died so the undertaker had to remove it from her dead body to give it to my dad. My sister wore her watch for a long time (sadly it broke) but didn’t want the ring because it had been taken off a dead body. I wouldn’t say the fact that she was still wearing it when she died makes me feel closer to her or anything, but it doesn’t bother me. It was the ring that my grandma wore. She was still wearing it when she died, as far as I’m concerned she was still my grandma when they took it off her, even though she was dead by that point. I did decide not to see her though, I wanted to remember how she was when she was alive, and the rest of my family agreed with me.

If it continues to bother you it might be worth speaking to a counsellor about it. I don’t think it’s that unusual a reaction, but it’s a difficult one because you can’t really talk about it with your nearest and dearest because it’s just too sensitive a subject.

Can you imagine how upsetting it would be to go and see the body if they hadn’t warned you it was starting to decay. I think it’s important that they are honest so you can make an informed decision. I’ve always assumed people are “dressed” for the occasion tbh. To the pp who worked in a funeral home are clothes cut at the back to make them easier to put on? I read this somewhere and I’ve always wondered.

I didn't really want to see my dad after he left (we had been with him at the time so I didn't need closure) but the rest of my family were going so I went along. In hindsight I'm glad I did see him one final time although it was very sad. We wrote notes to go in the coffin and the kids had done little drawings for him. He'd have liked that.

Mum chose a pair of suit trousers and a jumper for him to wear. I think she wanted to hang onto his actual clothes so went out and bought the trousers.

Different people need different things to help with the grieving process. My step sisters mum died last year very suddenly and she couldn’t get her head around the loss. She visited her mum at the funeral parlour 2-3 times a day for the duration of the time she was there because that’s what she needed. Her brother on the other hand didn’t visit once.

My brother died and wasn’t found for a bit, funeral director may have used some flowery language but left the family in no doubt that his body was substantially decayed and wasn’t fit for viewing.