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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH ignoring our son

57 replies

NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:10

DH has had our son (aged 5) all afternoon since he finished school (I was at work). I got home, and as we were chatting over dinner, DS started sharing something he was worried about at school (friendship related). I noticed DH was scrolling on his phone while DS was talking, so asked DH to put down his phone and listen. He said he’d already heard it several times this afternoon from DS and it was “my turn now”. I said that he should always listen when our DS is trying to tell us something on his mind. DH doubled down and said he’s been listening to it all afternoon (slight exaggeration, since he was round at a friend’s house for several hours) and it’s my turn now. Who’s in the wrong?

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 04/04/2025 22:11

If he has already told your DH then he surely isn’t ignoring him? He is letting him update you with his problem…

Azandme · 04/04/2025 22:12

Gonk123 · 04/04/2025 22:11

If he has already told your DH then he surely isn’t ignoring him? He is letting him update you with his problem…

This.

FranticHare · 04/04/2025 22:13

No phones at dinner table. Solved!

Original poster
NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:14

Gonk123 · 04/04/2025 22:11

If he has already told your DH then he surely isn’t ignoring him? He is letting him update you with his problem…

True. But I’d have liked DH’s input as this was the first I’d heard of it.

OP posts:
Fancycheese · 04/04/2025 22:15

did you interrupt your son to chastise your DH? Not sure that was the best idea. I say this from experience of my mother constantly doing this to my father for my entire childhood and it led to a horrible dynamic in the home. I just wished she’d saved those conversations for when I wasn’t around.

Agree it’s not great to be scrolling when a child is talking to you, but as PP had said, he’d already heard what your DS had to say.

Gonk123 · 04/04/2025 22:19

NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:14

True. But I’d have liked DH’s input as this was the first I’d heard of it.

Show quote history

Surely a 5 years olds problem cannot be so complicated that you can’t help by yourself? Or if it is more complex then have a private conversation with DH and revisit the problem with DS.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 04/04/2025 22:21

Did DH actually help with the problem when he was told multiple times about it or was it just a case of waiting until Mum comes home because she needs to deal with it?

Azandme · 04/04/2025 22:22

NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:14

True. But I’d have liked DH’s input as this was the first I’d heard of it.

Show quote history

But that doesn't require his 100% attention to the nth telling of the information.

He'd already heard it several times - he knew what he was saying well enough to give "his input" without having to stop what he was doing to focus intently on it again.

You were the one being told, you needed to give 100% attention - did you interrupt that to chastise your husband in front of your child thereby not actually giving said child 100% of YOUR attention?

Hmm...

Hankunamatata · 04/04/2025 22:22

Dh had already heard and discussed and given his opinion. Dc was looking your view on the situation not dh again.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 04/04/2025 22:24

Hankunamatata · 04/04/2025 22:22

Dh had already heard and discussed and given his opinion. Dc was looking your view on the situation not dh again.

Op didn't say he discussed or gave his opinion just that he'd heard it multiple times. The fact that the child still needed to talk about it makes me think Dad didn't help in the slightest

Original poster
NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:25

Perhaps. But we were having a group chat and then when DS brought this up (something clearly important to him as he’s mentioning it multiple times) DH disengaged and started scrolling on his phone. In my view, when DS is talking about something important to him we should both give him our full attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:27

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 04/04/2025 22:24

Op didn't say he discussed or gave his opinion just that he'd heard it multiple times. The fact that the child still needed to talk about it makes me think Dad didn't help in the slightest

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I can’t say whether DH had given his opinion when DS brought it up before, because I wasn’t there. But you’re right, the fact he mentioned it again suggests that DH hadn’t adequately put his mind at ease.

OP posts:
Leanin9 · 04/04/2025 22:27

I am so shocked by these responses
I had to double check I’d clicked the answer I meant to in the poll
its not about you needing help with the problem it’s about ds seeing that his DP care and are invested in his life and problems and they want to support him. Then when the problems get bigger as he gets older, he trusts you and is comfortable coming to you. Dh making it clear he’s bored of your 5 yos problem is awful

Original poster
NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:29

Leanin9 · 04/04/2025 22:27

I am so shocked by these responses
I had to double check I’d clicked the answer I meant to in the poll
its not about you needing help with the problem it’s about ds seeing that his DP care and are invested in his life and problems and they want to support him. Then when the problems get bigger as he gets older, he trusts you and is comfortable coming to you. Dh making it clear he’s bored of your 5 yos problem is awful

Edited

This. I don’t feel it’s too much to ask for DH to listen again. Even if he had heard it already. DS is only 5!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 04/04/2025 22:29

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 04/04/2025 22:21

Did DH actually help with the problem when he was told multiple times about it or was it just a case of waiting until Mum comes home because she needs to deal with it?

He probably wouldn't dare to try and deal with it without OPs permission

CuriousGeorge80 · 04/04/2025 22:33

Nobody should be on their phone at the dinner table, especially with children. But I agree with pp re: the dynamic of calling your DH out in front of your son and getting into a debate with him. Horrible dynamic for a child and in this instance diverted attention away from what your child wanted to discuss.

Original poster
NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:33

RedHelenB · 04/04/2025 22:29

He probably wouldn't dare to try and deal with it without OPs permission

Show quote history

Only a man would write this response.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:35

CuriousGeorge80 · 04/04/2025 22:33

Nobody should be on their phone at the dinner table, especially with children. But I agree with pp re: the dynamic of calling your DH out in front of your son and getting into a debate with him. Horrible dynamic for a child and in this instance diverted attention away from what your child wanted to discuss.

So I should have ignored DH scrolling and brought it up later? Perhaps you’re right. But yes, he shouldn’t have been looking at his phone in the first place.

OP posts:
crazzynut · 04/04/2025 22:36

The child has been banging on about it to dad for hours now its your turn.
Sorry to sound harsh but your child is 5 kids at that age go on and on and on about the same thing over and over.
It would do my head in if i had to hear it again at dinner time.

EDIT to add op you come across a bit snappy with your replies.

Hyperbowl · 04/04/2025 22:45

Leanin9 · 04/04/2025 22:27

I am so shocked by these responses
I had to double check I’d clicked the answer I meant to in the poll
its not about you needing help with the problem it’s about ds seeing that his DP care and are invested in his life and problems and they want to support him. Then when the problems get bigger as he gets older, he trusts you and is comfortable coming to you. Dh making it clear he’s bored of your 5 yos problem is awful

Edited

I thought exactly this as well! This is just common sense, surely?

Original poster
NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:47

EDIT to add op you come across a bit snappy with your replies.

@crazzynut Can you point me to a particular post where I’ve been snappy on this thread? Because I don’t think I have been!

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:48

Hyperbowl · 04/04/2025 22:45

I thought exactly this as well! This is just common sense, surely?

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I thought so too!

OP posts:
Obvnotthegolden · 04/04/2025 22:51

NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:35

So I should have ignored DH scrolling and brought it up later? Perhaps you’re right. But yes, he shouldn’t have been looking at his phone in the first place.

Edited
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Yes absolutely, I can't believe you stopped your son talking so you could tell your DH to put down his phone and listen, then engage in an argument with DH in front of DS who's waiting to be listened to by his DM.

Original poster
NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:52

@crazzynut So I take it you can’t, then (I just got a laughing emoji in response to my last post).

OP posts:
Fancycheese · 04/04/2025 22:55

NC4this222 · 04/04/2025 22:35

So I should have ignored DH scrolling and brought it up later? Perhaps you’re right. But yes, he shouldn’t have been looking at his phone in the first place.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes! Otherwise you’re also ignoring your child!

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