DH ignoring our son

[NC4this222]

DH has had our son (aged 5) all afternoon since he finished school (I was at work). I got home, and as we were chatting over dinner, DS started sharing something he was worried about at school (friendship related). I noticed DH was scrolling on his phone while DS was talking, so asked DH to put down his phone and listen. He said he’d already heard it several times this afternoon from DS and it was “my turn now”. I said that he should always listen when our DS is trying to tell us something on his mind. DH doubled down and said he’s been listening to it all afternoon (slight exaggeration, since he was round at a friend’s house for several hours) and it’s my turn now. Who’s in the wrong?

Tbh it’s good for children to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

Your DP has heard it once and you were hearing it. That’s more than enough.

I totally agree your dh was being a lazy immature disengaged idiot.

So instead of listening respectfully to dinner table conversation he had to get out his phone for a bit of doom scrolling as he can’t possibly have the attention span to hear the same thing again, great example of meal time etiquette he’s showing. When things get dull stare at your phone….

He was making dinner time conversation, when it was his turn to talk dad starts mindlessly staring at his phone, thus sets a dreadful example about respect and dinner time behaviour.

Yes but that wasn’t what OPs issue was. And it really depends on your family set up and how formal you are.

But it's ok for his dad to ignore him by being on his phone. The double standards here are ridiculous

It’s just bad manners to pick up a phone and start scrolling when someone’s talking to you, especially at the dinner table. It doesn’t matter if DH heard it before, he was being rude.

It’s also good for children to learn that it’s rude to start scrolling through a phone when someone’s talking to you, especially at the dinner table.

😂😂

It’s not a double standard. His dad had listened to him, we assume, earlier in the day about the same thing several times. It would have been different if the child was directly addressing the dad.

And cutting across the child to chastise the dad is not great either!

Banning phones at the dinner table and not criticising each other openly in front of the kids (while the kids are talking!) is surely the way to resolve this.

What’s so hilarious?

🤔

Phones shouldn't be at the table.

DH has heard it repeatedly and has nothing more to add.

Why can't you offer your son advice based on your own gut or, if you truly need genuine support, ask your husband for his view on something specific?

I love my kids but god love them they can be like a broken record sometimes. If your husband says he has paid attention and dealt with it at the time, that's his answer. As I said, I'm love my kids but adults cannot be reasonably expected to respond enthusiastically like it's the first they've heard of it when it's the tenth time. You were there. You were giving it importance.

The problem was the phone at the table.

I think if he had heard it before it was your turn. Then reassure DS that you will talk about it and speak to him later. Mine like to unload on whoever is collecting them, be reassured and then tell which of us hasn’t heard when they get in. Then (more often me) will suggest how to resolve issue or email school or whatever. We sometimes disagree but try to do that when DC is not in hearing distance.

I don’t agree she was upset her dh was ignoring her son which was disrespectful to both his wife and child imo

Neither one of you should be undermining each other in front of the child. If you spoke to him the way you laid it out here, it does sound nasty and almost authoritative.

I wish a man would tell me to put my phone down and pay attention as if I was a damn child myself. TBF I don’t think he should’ve been on his phone but a simple conversation about it later would’ve sufficed.

It's not a horrible dynamic - sitting back and saying nothing while DS is ignored is a horrible dynamic for DS. Don't be such a doormat and speak up.

I'm with your DH. He already knew about it and this was DS telling you.

They like to repeat themselves at that age.

This, i would have listened first then if I needed to spoke to dh later i don't see the need to make it more complicated

And separately he is a grown up if he wants a phone at the dinner table he can

I think the most obvious aspect to be taken from this is that the OP states that her son was worried about something specifically which is what everyone is so keen to overlook for some reason. I’m sure if he was just repeating random facts or talking about his interests for example then the OP wouldn’t have been so annoyed.

OP what your DH has effectively done here is show your son that instead of using the opportunity to team together with you and reassure DS of his anxieties over his friendship instead that his phone is more important and interesting to him than comforting him. Totally undermining your poor DS feelings when he’s upset.

I don’t think it does matter how many times he’s heard it or not. He’s a young child who feels like he needs emotional support from the two main/ constant people in his life. Five year olds don’t have a very complex understanding of emotions and can’t articulate their feelings well which is why when they’re worried they will seek reassurance by repeating themselves. A small problem can often become a huge anxiety for a young child and surely the best thing to do would be to give them the time and reassurance to help them feel better and make him feel heard and secure about things? Friendships can be such an enormous task to navigate for children as well. He’s tiny in the grand scheme of things and it wouldn’t have hurt your DH to sit down with you and help him work through his feelings and understand how to sort the problem he was worried about. Not difficult is it? In fact that’s pretty basic in my books.

Did your DH offer up the advice that he had already given to your son about the problem prior to you coming home OP?

Shouldn’t have phones at the table.
Rule number ONE.

Your DH is apparently unaware of how important it is for children(especially very young children) to feel they are being heard.
It’s also really important as they reach school age for them to know that they can tell you anything and everything and you will listen. It’s great when they need to repeat stories too, as each version usually throws up different information.
Your DH may genuinely just not understand this, in which case have a chat with him about it. If he DOES understand it, but was just being an arse, then that’s a different problem.

But, as I said, first rule - no phones at the table!

Your husband's reaction gave the impression that he finds your son's problems trivial and boring. I probably wouldn't have pulled him up on it in front of your son because in doing so you drew attention to it. But children need to feel that their parents care about their problems. If your son learns at the age of five that your husband doesn't care about his little kid problems, by the time he's 15 he won't want to share his big kid problems.

It's very easy to scroll your phone at the dinner table. Smart phones are like a drug for most people. But I am trying really hard to put mine down and be more present for my children.

Exactly

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Noone should be looking on their phone during dinnertime. But you didn't handle this one well @NC4this222 . Your son is talking about something important to him that you haven't heard about. Instead of listening to him and validate his feelings you are focussing on what your dh is doing and calling him out on it. By doing this you have

1. Showed your son that you think that what his dad is doing is more important than listening to him when he's upset about something.
2. Made your son aware about his father not paying attention which he wouldn't have cared about if you had been listening. You should have talked to your dh afterwards when ds wasn't listening.