DH ignoring our son

[NC4this222]

DH has had our son (aged 5) all afternoon since he finished school (I was at work). I got home, and as we were chatting over dinner, DS started sharing something he was worried about at school (friendship related). I noticed DH was scrolling on his phone while DS was talking, so asked DH to put down his phone and listen. He said he’d already heard it several times this afternoon from DS and it was “my turn now”. I said that he should always listen when our DS is trying to tell us something on his mind. DH doubled down and said he’s been listening to it all afternoon (slight exaggeration, since he was round at a friend’s house for several hours) and it’s my turn now. Who’s in the wrong?

Agree with crazzynut, you do seem snappy, and that's putting it very politely. Also controlling (and no, I'm not a man either).

I think your partner had great patience for how he dealt with you trying to boss him around.

@NC4this222

Yes you should have brought it up later.

You sound really combative.

Your husband listened , at least once (whether he dealt with it properly I don’t know) , to your child’s worry. Yes he was a prick later , however…

When it was your “turn” , you interrupted your child , told his dad off and drew attention to the fact that he wasn’t paying attention properly. Your feelings right then and there were more important than your child’s feelings/worries.

Pot meet kettle.

we are really desperate to excuse men and criticise women aren’t we

dh has apparently listened really well for hours. He didn’t ease the small child’s worries and made it clear in front of the child he was sick of hearing about his worries. but we’re apparently assuming he listened really well before that and offered help and advice and made the child feel supported. Or we don’t expect that of dh, I’m not sure which.

op on the other hand has not listened at all, she only interrupted, she brought her child’s attention to dh not paying attention, she needs to learn to resolve the issue alone or she is an idiot or controlling, she was looking for an argument and handled it wrong because she is combative and bossy, she needs to be fair and take her turn at - the awful task of - listening to their child and to teach her child (like dh is apparently already doing so well) that the world doesn’t revolve around them and their problems.

its really odd. We expect perfection from women and seek out any minor little thing men do well. I’m so sad for all the dc who apparently can expect this treatment at home too.

DH is rude and shouldn’t be using his phone at the table.

Doesn’t he know what children are like ? Stuff like this would be discussed with me, discussed with dad when he got home and probably discussed at bedtime, when he woke up and on the way to school. It seems small to an adult but how can he not fake some concern and pretend to listen to a story that he’s heard ? It really shows how little he knows children, cares about his children and how little time he listens to his thoughts and worries.

Not necessarily. It might have just meant that your child wanted to tell you as well as his dad.

NC4this222 · Yesterday 22:35

So I should have ignored DH scrolling and brought it up later?

Yes, of course. If you wanted input on it from your dh, who had already heard it, why did that require your dh to hear it again? Honestly, parents in sole charge of a child shouldn't be ignoring them to go on their phone, but that doesn't mean that two present parents both need to collectively hang on the words of their child at every moment. Children repeat things a lot!

Don’t be daft, nothing in my response is about being a doormat.

The OP stopped a discussion with her son (one he had started with her as he had concerns) to criticise her husband and then allowed it to effectively turn into an argument, thereby not focusing on her son (which is what she was criticising him for in the first place) and creating an unpleasant dynamic for her son.

As I say, no phones at table. The husband was clearly in the wrong first. But that doesn’t make the OP’s actions correct in the moment: The correct response was to raise it later when the son wasn’t around.