Would you be in a relationship with someone if your dc refused to have anything to do with them?

[Brunocatmon]

I met my partner in 2022, we started off as long distance then broke up because of the distance ( she doesn't drive ), her jealousy, insecurities, some background stuff that I found out she'd lied about.

When we broke up she was vile to me, called me all the names under the sun, sent me pics of her and some bloke she met in a pub saying she was on a date with someone who knew how to treat a woman. I had to block her eventually.

A few months later she got in touch through a mutual as she heard that one of my close family members had cancer.

Long story short we got back together and 3 months later she relocated to my city. Not living with me.

Things were fine mostly except she'd give me the silent treatment if something pissed her off. She was insanely jealous of my past and anyone I had any contact with.

Over Christmas and new year I had to rearrange some plans because of my adult dd visiting from overseas.
On the day before nye I had to go to hers later than we'd planned ( I still wrnt with the plan to stay overnight ) and when I got there she was really drunk and started verbally assaulting me saying she hated me, calling me over and over a c*nt. I tried to leave and she wouldn't let me leave and she carried on.
She threw some small items at me and was screaming in my face.

Eventually I managed to get put and she attacked my car so I couldn't drive off, banging on the windows and screaming abuse and kicking it.

After I managed to drive away she called me threatening to cut herself then again saying she'd cut herself and if she bled to death it would be my fault, that she was going to call my dd ( 16, autistic ) saying when I'd made her do.

Next thing dd calls me in a panic saying where are you cos X has said I need to call you. This is midnight. I said I'm fine I'm coming home.

I got home and the dc were up scared about what had happened, my phone rang and it was x sating I'm bleeding and she'd sent me photos of her arms that she'd cut ( lightly, she was not bleeding ) and a picture of her arm with a knife lying beside it with no marks on.

I broke up with her and dc said she's never welcome here again.

Again I had to block because of her behaviour.

Fast forward another couple of months and we'd started talking. She agreed to therapy, she agreed to counselling, aline and together, she got a job, a new flat and pulled herself together. This was the beginning of 2024.

Mid way through the year my eldest dd got engaged and it suddenly dawned on me that I'll never be able to bring my partner to my dc weddings, I wasn't able to bring her to my grandsons christening, to a big family gathering that I organised so I broke it off with her and told her why.

During that time we'd been to counselling and on the first visit she lied to the counsellor about a really significant thing.

After a few months after us talking and me thinking about things I decided to make a go of it with her. My dc will all be off living their own lives and then what?

Currently we are in a relationship. We don't live together and won't be doing in the next couple of years as my daughter and her family are moving back from overseas and are staying with me whilst they look for and move into their own place.

I can't bring my partner round to my house because my dc don't want anything to do with her and this is their safe space and I always told then I would respect that. I can and do go to her place in the same small city.

I just think about it all the time. People say the dc will come around but what if they don't? I'm a huge family person, it's all I ever wanted. But I want my partner with me.

We'd?

If you want her to change, who exactly do you have feelings for, because it isn’t the person in front of you? That person is a nightmare. It’s some fantasy person who doesn’t exist who you like.

Drop her like she’s hot and work on your stuff.

@Brunocatmon If you were put in a position where you had to pick between a relationship with her and a relationship with your DCs then who would you pick? Because if you continue in this relationship then that’s very well where you could end up.

A romantic relationship should add to your life in a positive way. Yours is abusive, causing stress, dividing your family and is horrendously toxic. You know that.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life essentially living two completely separate lives? She won’t be welcome at family events (and quite rightly so!!!), so you’ll go alone, but when you do go she’ll start with the guilt trips and the threats. So you’ll stop going as you’re worried about her reactions, and your children will be disappointed because you’ve picked her, so they’ll eventually just stop asking you.

Get out. Block her. Change your number. It is your responsibility in a relationship to be kind and respectful - her reaction is not your responsibility. If she tries to get back in touch you need to shut it down immediately.

Enjoy your DC. It sounds like they’re creating their own families and starting to set up their adult lives - you don’t want to be excluded from that.

Dump. Her.

And move house if you can. She sounds like the main character in Fatal Attraction.

As well as breaking up with your unhinged partner NOW, you should send a big bunch of flowers to your DC because it was, ultimately, their determined non-acceptance of her that has made you see the light. This will save you a whole load of pain in the future and your DC should be thanked for seeing so clearly what you could not.

Do your children actually know you are dating this woman again?

She abused you, she clearly has mental health issues. She used self-harm as a way of hurting your children.

Your children would be justified in cutting you off just for rekindling your relationship. Asking them to ever see her in person is completely unreasonable.

I’m baffled why you are entertaining any of this. What is your counselling for? Can you explore this at all?

Honestly if my ex had gone into a relationship with someone like you describe I would be seeking sole residency.

Obviously as your kids are older they are old enough to have their own agency, and if they have any sense they’ll run like the wind.

Unless you get rid of this awful woman.

I said my comment earlier but I've seen you are 2 women and I just wanted to add this. I'm also in a same sex relationship, I'm married to my wife and I will say this, you will get slightly more drama because 2 women with hormones and more emotional conversations etc so I do understand things can be dramatic at times, however this woman is abusive, selfish and has too many issues. You keep going back but there's some lovely women out there that won't treat you like this! I promise! I alsobhave autistic children so i know what its like to have to deal with problems at the same time as trying to create a calm environment. Your life needs to be less chaotic-not just for your kid but also you! Good luck OP.

What on earth are you doing? Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone abusive?

of course you don’t have a relationship with someone your children hate. They come first. But in this case it’s hardly surprising they dislike her, is it?

Cut her off, have no further contact, and tell her you don’t want any further contact. If she harasses you report it to the police. Focus on your children. And get some therapy for yourself as to why you’d even consider a relationship with someone abusive and keep getting back together with them.

Your title has absolutely nothing to do with the actual situation!

She sounds abusive. Threatening to hurt herself to get you back is disgusting. Your kids are right you should not be with this person they don't bring anything to your life but drain you

How refreshing to see someone able to acknowledge their success and boundaries and the absolute need for something to be changed. She must go and you absolutely can do it.

I’ll tell you why she said and did such awful things. She’s an awful person. It’s as simple as that. As PP have said, I’d never forgive anyone who did what she did to you daughter.

By continuing to go back to her, you are inadvertently sending a message to your daughters that she matters more than them. Which in turn could mean they start to distance themselves from you. Put them first and get rid. There are much better women out there for you.

I just wrote out a long response, gahhhhh.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I have taken everything you have all said on board.

I have a very good friend with bpd, this woman doesn't have bpd, she's just deeply unpleasant.

I have a lot of trauma growing up, I lost my mum as a child was left with an abusive sf who brought all kinds of deviant people into our home. I was horrendously assaulted after a relationship with an older young girl/woman in my mid teens which caused me to hide myself for a very long time. I ran away from home and got into all kinds of dangerous situations resulting in more trauma. I have adhd. I didn't get a dx for that until I was 50.

My best friend asked me what I miss about her when we broke up and I hand on heart couldn't tell her. She asked what I loved about her and I couldn't tell her that either. She wears a fragrance that makes me feel calm. It reminds me of my uncle who used to carry me up to bed when I had to go and live with relatives when my home life was bad. My aunties house was clean and loving and safe, all of the things my home weren't. My counsellor has asked if we can explore this.

I haven't been to counselling since befire Christmas because every so often my adhd makes me shut down but last night after I've posted this and read your comments I emailed her.

I don't want my dc to ever feel not good enough and I am making them feel second best aren't I? That's not ok. I thought that if I kept her away from the house it wasn't the same but it is the same isn't it? I'm still choosing her over them. 😞 I'm not going to do that any more.

When we are together she goes all out to do things that she knows are important to me. In 20 years of marriage my ex never made me a cup of coffee, citing the fact that I'm quite particular as to how I like it. She made this one of the first things she did for me, always has my coffee ready when I go round to hers. She washes my work clothes if I've stayed there, has all of my schedule on her calendar. Clears up my mental space. Hmmm.

She doesn't have a social life, she gets asked to go to things with her work friends but always says no. She doesn't see anyone except for me. I go to the theatre with my other friends, and I take my daughters out to see shows or day trips. I have an active social life but I find I'm doing less with my friends, the weekends that my youngest ( 14) sees her father have now become " our" weekends. She copies my style of house, like everything I've put aside for charity ( I was renovating ) she's had it. Has painted her flar in similar colours. It does look nice but.

This has really helped writing it down and seeing it again so thank you.

What do you mean?

No i don't. I want to bring my partner to my dc weddings, baby showers, christenings, big birthdays. Family is everything to me.

This

Your partner is an outlier on the bell curve or emotional instability.

In no world or universe or beyond is it ever ok the call up your partners child and tell them you’ve cut yourself because theif parent made you do it..

Never

Ever.

This behaviour is far enough left of field to make me very concerned for what she might do next.

You need to extricate yourself from this situation - I’m not a fan of the misogynistic bunny boiling trope but in this case, it fits.

WTAF! She sounds dangerous. What she did to your autistic DD when she was only 16 is absolutely unforgiveable. I don't know how you can even be in her company now.

You will ruin your relationship with your children if you stay with this woman. Surely it's better to be on your own than with someone so controlling and antagonistic to your kids? You have broken up and then reconciled so many times. Why on earth would this time be any different? She is still the same horrible person. All the therapy in the world wouldn't change that.

Mate.
You're in a relationship with an abuser. Your kids are rightly not allowing her into their lives. You need to tie yourself to the mast with this one. Cut all ties, block on every channel of communication and nurture yourself back to an emotionally healthy place.

Oh gosh, what are you doing. Your children will not and should not “come round”.

Just get rid. End of!

My 'mother' prioritised her relationship with her 'partner' above her children. He sexually assaulted me, and frequently made comments of a sexual nature to me. I was a teenager at the time. I am autistic. I didn't understand what he was doing. I have never forgiven my 'mother' and we have been NC for several years.

You cannot force this horrendous person on your family, she's awful and if you stay in this toxic relationship, you deserve to lose your DC.

It's sad that your bar is set so low.

My eldest dd (30) said exactly that to me " it's sad that your bar is set so low "

I will change this.

@Brunocatmon

WTF are you doing to yourself & your children??

This person is dangerous & manipulative & 50 shades of wrong for you! What do you get out of such a dreadfully 1 sided relationship? Are you that scared of being alone that you're settling for this shit?? Seriously??

Read your post back- if that was a friend or one of your children, you'd be telling them to run a mile!!

You need to get out, once & for all. If you don't, your life will always be in 2 parts (one of which will be horrific) & your children/grandchildren will lose all respect for you.